Uncommon Law Page #6

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Oh yeah absolutely,

nothing but turquoise and fuschia for me.

That'll make you stand out.

Unless you're at a drag show,

in which case you'd fit right in.

Perfect, that's where

I was going tonight.

Really?

No. (LAUGHS)

Unless you happen to know of a good one.

That's open on a Sunday, not likely.

Well darn.

But, do you, um...

do you have any plans tonight?

Wait, do I what?

Are you doing anything tonight?

I'm asking you on a date.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome?

Was that a yes?

I'm not really sure.

I've had a really rough week.

Look I'm not looking to

run the bulls or anything.

How 'bout you just come over to my place

and we'll watch a movie or something?

Yeah, yeah, that would be nice.

But if running the bulls is

your idea of a go-to date,

I don't see this working out.

Well that's probably a good thing.

You know bulls are so hard

to come by these days.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Seriously?

Ah man, fair game, your shoes are on.

It's nice to know

we're still in college.

Hey the rules never die.

Why are you here?

Oh I got some papers for you.

That was fast.

Are you kidding me?

Getting a divorce around here

is easier than seeing tits at Mardi Gras.

Now sign that sh*t so I can get paid.

Well?

I just feel like I'm signing

away more than a marriage.

Relax.

If I was bargaining your soul,

you'd be signing in blood.

That's not what I meant.

Yeah I know, but this

doesn't change anything.

You're still friends,

you're still gonna spend

way too much time together.

Everything'll go back to how it was.

Yeah, maybe.

Come on, what's gonna change?

Oh, he is cute.

It's funny, I barely

remember him from high school.

Change.

Yeah, sometimes people do.

No your clothes, change them.

What, why?

Too girl next door.

Didn't he date Fiona Abrams?

[MELISSA] Maybe, I don't remember.

Yeah, yeah he did.

She got the lead in the

musical junior year.

And senior year.

And I played a broom.

Do you know how hard it

is to be taken seriously

when you have the word

broom on your resume?

Wait, I know you are not still using

high school plays on your resume.

Oh, no, of course not.

Good.

I said it was a national tour.

[MELISSA] Keri!

You know they can check that, right?

Well at least I'm not

blackmailing my boss.

That's because my boss is a...

B*tch do you even know

how to dress for a date?

What?

Walk back in that room and put on

a cute top and some jeans

or I will dress you myself.

But that's what I always wear.

Exactly.

So dress like yourself and

stop trying so damn hard.

Alright, alright.

You two make being a

friend a full-time job.

(SIGHS)

Come on, man.

You have to come out with us tonight.

I don't know.

After the week I've had...

You deserve to go to the club and find

an incredibly hot chick and

bang the sh*t out of her.

I was going to say sleep, actually.

You can do that afterwards.

See, there is no downside to this.

Gonorrhea, there, downside.

Nobody gets gonorrhea these days,

that was like the 1800s.

Yeah I'm pretty sure that's not true.

Besides I've got the interview tomorrow.

Whatever, look, you're coming.

Why are you so intent

on me getting laid?

'Cause, I want to get laid.

And there is no chance of that happening

if I have to babysit Wade all night.

It's not that bad.

Look.

He's trying to pick up the

girl in the corner booth.

What, she's cute.

She's with her dad, man.

Well, she at least looks legal.

Not the point, the man has no game.

I can't be saddled with him

all night if I want to get any.

I don't know.

I was going to go celebrate with Melissa,

but she's got plans.

Plans?

I didn't ask.

I heard Sabrina giggling

in the background though.

Well that's never good.

All right, well, if the girls

are gonna have their fun,

then we need to have ours.

Okay fine, I'll go,

just lemme take care of

this one last delivery and

then I'll meet you guys there.

Good.

I see that went well.

Yeah, apparently, that's her dad.

Oh, that wasn't obvious?

Thought she had older friends.

Still, interrupting dinner?

Not the best way to

make a good impression.

Well, go get cleaned up buddy.

We got some getting laid to do.

Yeah!

Uh-uh, no, yeah.

You see what I gotta deal with, man?

Gosh. (SIGHS)

Wish I could say I got

into psychiatry because of

some deep-rooted desire

to help people, but no.

I just kind of fell into it.

How do you fall into

something like that?

Wandered into the wrong class,

thought it was cool, decided to stay.

So you do what you do because

you have a terrible sense of direction.

More or less, yeah.

Well, to each his own.

Well how 'bout you?

How did you get into teaching?

I like rocks.

Uh, okay. (LAUGHS)

As a kid I was fascinated with rocks.

I'd dig 'em up, break 'em open,

look at all the cool bits inside.

My dad thought I was a little slow

until I started asking him questions

about where it all came from,

and he didn't have any answers

beyond sh*t just clumps up.

Sounds scientific.

I know, right?

So he took me to the library,

and instead of getting

Babysitter Club books,

I was reading about geology.

And this is at a time

when For Dummies books

were meant for people who didn't

know a computer from an Etch-A-Sketch,

so I was reading books from

the Truman Administration.

Wow, and you understood all that?

Not really.

I read all the books,

I thought they were

the coolest thing ever,

but I had no idea what

any of the words meant.

So my dad started reading them with me.

As far as father daughter activities go,

it was a bit unusual,

but it was what we had.

And the teaching part?

Wanted to share my interest.

I figured high school

students love the fine art

of breaking stuff up and

poking what's inside.

(LAUGHS) Also noble.

It's just another form of therapy.

What?

Just really glad I ran

into you the other day.

(WHISTLES)

Hey, how much do I owe you?

Um, nothin'.

On the house.

Okay.

Hmm.

Stop me if you've heard

this one before, all right?

All right, so anyway, I

come back to the pool,

I says, it is my foot!

(LAUGHING)

I swear to God, true story,

that actually happened.

Thank God you're here.

Why, what's wrong?

Wade! It's worse than I thought.

Alright, now, everybody, one tap,

two taps, three taps,

oh behave! (LAUGHING)

Now keep your eyes on the deck.

That's not your card,

that's not your card.

That's not your card!

Oh yeah, looks like he's

sinking faster than the Titanic.

For the love of God man, look at him!

Your card, it's not even here.

At all.

Card tricks?

He's playing card tricks!

Well it seems to be working!

See, your card is right here!

[WOMAN] Oh my God, how'd you do that?

This is a travesty, man.

Why, because you

didn't think of it first?

Yes!

I thought card tricks were for

creepy old men on the subway.

This?

This destroys everything

I knew about the game.

Oh, you knew a lot about game, did you?

I could've written a book.

But this?

This is an abomination.

There is nothing cool about it.

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