Uncommon Law Page #7

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I think you've overestimated

the power of cool.

No, because that

would imply I was wrong,

and I don't like that.

Well, good luck figuring that out.

I'm getting a drink.

Hey, what can I get'cha?

Tequila.

Married life that good, huh?

Plaid skirt, tiny bra?

Oh, um, sorry, I didn't recognize you.

With clothes on?

Well, that and no one's

holding me down and cheering.

It was less a bachelor party

and more eighth grade with b*obs.

Well that'll give me a

frightening image next time I work.

Eh, that's what I'm here for.

I think you owe me a drink for that.

Fair enough.

One more?

- I'm Brendan.

- Tiffany.

(GROANS)

So how exactly did Cody find you?

You look like you have much

better taste than that.

We went to law school together.

Really?

You look surprised.

Well it's just that you

were a naughty school girl,

not naughty paralegal.

Not yet.

I'm still job hunting.

So, what are you doing at a bar?

Shouldn't you be honeymooning somewhere?

I'm not really married.

Yeah, you said that.

Meant it.

But the state disagrees,

so I've got a nice little

piece of paper that says I am.

So who's the girl?

Best friend.

Did you two ever...

Ever?

You know, hook up.

No.

She was my wingman.

I don't see her here tonight.

Yeah well, other plans.

And you?

And me?

What are your plans?

Everything okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just expected you to be more excited.

No.

I'm fine.

Wait, wait.

I uh, I can't do this.

Looks like you can.

No, I mean, I can.

I don't want to.

I think I'm in love with my wife.

Alright, goggles on.

Alrighty, get crackin'.

Melissa.

- Goggles!

- What?

Did I just walk in on a felony?

We're saving that for the final.

Oh good.

So, how are you?

Heard you had a good night last night.

What?

I talked to Cody.

Oh goodie.

Yep, and he told me you

went home with B*obs McGee.

Yeah, about that.

No it's okay, really.

It's not like I can call

it cheating or anything.

Oh, nothing happened.

Sure it didn't.

It's okay, really.

I actually met a guy,

if you can believe it.

Yeah, I uh, I can.

Jake Russell, the nicest guy.

He went to high school with us.

You don't say.

It's really nice to have

something normal for a change.

I don't even think I'm gonna

need you to bail me out of this one.

Are you sure?

'Cause I'd be more than

happy to get you out.

We can go over the codes now...

Don't worry about me.

I'm gonna give this one a chance.

Is now really the best time for that?

I mean, you're still married.

Do you really want a guy who would

take advantage of a married woman?

We're not really married,

Brendan, you know that.

Oh, I should probably get back in there.

Today would be a really

bad day for a mishap.

Yeah, well, no, it would.

Well hey, when's your meeting?

I'm heading there now.

Don't tell me you came

here for a pep talk.

No!

I'm all good.

On pep.

Are you alright?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I'll uh, I'll catch you later.

[MAN] And they're all true?

Yeah.

For better or worse,

that's been my love life

over the last decade.

Tell me about this

friend of yours, Melissa?

Uh, yeah.

What do you want to know?

Well, how did all this start?

Homecoming, in high school.

I was with this transfer student

who had been there all of a week.

Hardly knew her, but she was cute.

She spent two hours going on about

how much prettier she was

than everyone else there.

Melissa saw how miserable I was,

and stormed over pretending

to be my knocked up ex.

Got slapped twice, but it was so worth it.

Wait a minute, you knocked her up?

No, God no.

Why not, she ugly?

No, far from it.

Well then, why not?

Well because I decided a long time ago

that I wasn't gonna risk

losing my best friend.

(LAUGHING)

What?

Son, that's the biggest load

of horseshit I heard all day,

and I met with a senator.

Oh come on.

Look, I like you.

I think your stories are

gonna make a great book.

But when a guy with your dating history

says he's afraid of risk?

Just doesn't fit.

At this point the only risk is

you're waiting to long to make your move.

Alright, let's talk business.

We'll set you up with someone

in legal to draw up the contracts.

We'll find a copy editor for you,

and we need to talk about cover materials.

Um, I'm sorry.

I need to go.

No, no, come on!

Suck it, nerd boy!

How's this possible,

you've never even played this game before.

Some of us don't need

practice to frag like a pro.

Brendan, you would not

believe what just happened.

Girls can be gamers too.

Women's lib, b*tch.

Doesn't mean you can still beat me.

You know I'm king, tell her.

Tell her!

I'm in love with Melissa.

Goddamn it!

Really?

Yes really.

I'll have you know I was the

only one that stood by you,

said it wasn't gonna happen.

You disappoint me, sir.

Ow!

(BRENDON LAUGHS)

Oh!

That's for taking your

sweet time figuring it out.

Well how was I supposed to know?

How were you...

Are you completely stupid?

Sometimes, yes.

Over 10 years!

All you had to do was say something,

make one move, and you would've had her!

Come on, that's not true.

Yes it is.

I would've known.

You didn't want to know,

you just wanted a friend to be there

for you and help you get laid.

You saw what you wanted to see.

Well, now maybe I wanna

see somethin' different.

- Now?

- Yes.

After she's already moved out,

after she found a decent guy?

I admit, my timing is less than perfect.

Understatement, meet Brendan.

I'm serious.

I love her.

(ZABRINA SIGHS)

You know I'm your friend, right?

Yes?

Then know it comes from

my heart when I tell you

that if you hurt her,

I'll kill you.

Gotcha.

They won't find your body.

Won't need to.

Looks like I'm gonna need

another roommate, again.

I just need a little

more time to figure out

how I'm going to tell her.

I tried, but it didn't go so well.

Okay.

Well just have her hold

off on signing the papers.

The papers?

The divorce papers.

Oh right, yeah, those papers, yeah okay.

- Cody?

- Yes?

Has she signed the papers?

No, you know me, I'm too

lazy to be on top of that.

(BOTH LAUGH)

But hypothetically

speaking, what if she did?

Why would you do that?

Well because up until two minutes ago,

that's what you wanted!

And I also kind of want my rent check.

Okay.

This is not a problem.

Just don't file them.

You haven't filed them yet, have you?

- No.

- Good.

She was gonna do that.

What?

She took them with her,

said she was gonna drop them off

on her way home from school.

Oh, fantastic.

You got time, if you leave

now, you'd be able to make it.

Thanks.

Where is that, exactly?

(BELL RINGING)

I got it.

Doin' it.

Well, I wondered when I'd see you again.

You.

Hello Brendy.

What are you doing here?

Uh, I work here, silly.

Friend of yours?

Is this your latest harlot?

We had a date, one date.

Why only one date, I mean,

she is cute enough for at least two.

Yeah but her cute's got

nothin' on her crazies.

Oh, sure, call me crazy just because

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