Unfaithfully Yours Page #3

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You are no doubt aware, Alfred,

that I have a deep sense of family obligation.

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I wasn't aware of it,

but I'm willing to take your word for it.

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- We are brothers-in-law, aren't we?

- I'm afraid we are.

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There's not a blasted thing

we can do about it.

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Oh? It may come as quite a shook to you

to realize that I don't actually relish...

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being your brother-in-law

any more than you relish being mine.

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- No?

- Yes.

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In the first place, I hate music,

which doesn't relieve me from having to snore...

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through every confounded soiree

that you promulgate.

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- Soiree.

- Precisely.

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And in the second place,

I am embarrassed about the product...

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that your family made its money out of.

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- And in the third place -

-Just as good as sucking mortgages,

if you should happen to ask me.

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It may be, but I prefer mortgages.

And lastly, as a humble American...

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the only titles that I have any use for...

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are in my vault in

the Guaranty Title and Trust Company.

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I see. Well, you have

my deepest sympathy, August...

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but I am a baronet, I am a bandleader...

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and my family's product has

kept England on time since Waterloo.

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There it is. Now, if I may inquire again

for the reason for this happy visitation.

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I'll come to the point at once.

When you left for England...

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and asked me to keep an eye

on your wife during your absence -

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- Keep an eye on my wife?

- I naturally accepted in the same spirit...

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that I'd expect you to display

had I asked you to keep an eye on my wife...

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- while taking off, let us say, for Zanzibar.

- When are you leaving?

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- I said " if.''

- Oh.

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What I didn't know, and I don't see

very well how I could have...

184

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was that my dear mother, who is probably

public hypochondriac number one...

185

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would wire me the same day asking

me to join her in Palm Beach...

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- because of a slight indisposition.

- Oh, I'm distressed to hear it.

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I suppose she's related

to me also in some way.

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- So faintly it's hardly worth mentioning.

- Good.

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- I'm sorry anyway.

- Oh, we're quite used to it.

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If it isn't one part of her that's ailing,

it's another.

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And she seems to have so many parts,

for a woman of her age, that is.

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However, to return to our muttons -

you asked me to keep an eye on your wife...

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and I assure you that had it been possible

for me to do so, I would gladly have done so.

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I don't doubt it for a second. But if it was

any trouble, or inconvenient in any way-

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Nothing is too much trouble

for the busy man.

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If you ever want anything done, always ask

the busy man. The others never have time.

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Now, you asked me to keep an eye on your wife,

and I assure you that -

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You keep repeating " keep an eye on your wife,''

as if it had some special meaning.

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I don't know that you're leading up to,

but for some reason I feel my back hair rising.

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Well, you see Alfred, being a little nearsighted,

I couldn't keep an eye on her from Palm Beach.

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Nevertheless, I did not fail you.

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Again, something's happening

to my back hair.

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I don't recollect saying anything to you

at the airport except possibly good-bye.

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But if I did say keep an eye on my wife for me,

I meant see if she's lonely some evening.

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And if she is, take her to the movies,

you and Barbara.

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But you didn't say that.

You said, " Keep an eye on my wife for me.''

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Well, supposing I did,

how could you do it from Palm Beach?

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- With detectives.

- With detectives.

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With detectives!

You stuffed moron!

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Control yourself, Alfred. Control yourself. This

is entirely uncalled for. Kindly release my scarf.

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You dare to inform me you had

vulgar footpads in snap-brim fedoras...

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sluicing after my beautiful wife?

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I believe it's called " sleuthing.''

Kindly let go of my shirt. You're tearing it.

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There's nothing to be so upset about.

I merely had her tailed.

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You merely had her what?

I give you my solemn word, August...

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if I don't regain control of myself

in a few minutes, concert or no concert...

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I'll take this candelabrum, and I'll beat that walnut

you use for a head into a nutburger...

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- I believe they're called.

- Please try to k-k-keep cool, Alfred.

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K-K-Keep cool, Alfred, my sainted aunt!

I am outraged!

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- Please, Alfred.

- Low as my opinion has always been of you...

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little as I ever expected of chivalry

or even common dignity...

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today you've sunk below even yourself.

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This is the sewer,

the nadir of good manners.

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I really think you're exaggerating

a little, Alfred.

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I've always used detectives to some extent,

and so has my whole family.

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One of my aunts even married one,

although I admit she was elderly at the time.

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