Up in Smoke Page #4

- Knuckles?

- Genuine diamonds, baby.

Those ain't for-real diamonds, man.

What you... Hey, man.

Check this out. Step back.

Ain't for real? Check this.

Hey, man, what are you doing, man?

You scratched my window.

You know, it's cool. It's cool.

Hey, well, you know

what I do need, man?

We been looking all over

for some smoke, man.

Nobody has no grass, man.

You got some?

Hey, man, I got some weed

straight from Turkey, boy.

It's what set them Arabs off.

- Arabs from Turkey?

- Yeah, man. Yeah, it was from Turkey.

Hey, man, this stuff is so bad,

it'll put a hump in a camel's back.

- No sh*t?

- I wouldn't sh*t you, baby.

- I mean, this is some bad weed.

- You got it on you?

I got it on me, man.

You got to check it out.

- It'll boogie-woogie on your brain.

- All right.

Just 'cause we tight,

I'm going to let you have it

for a double dime.

Man, that sh*t ain't sh*t, man.

What?

We smoked this whole lid, man,

and I haven't even got a buzz yet, man.

You ain't high?

I ain't high. I'll tell you that, man.

I don't feel nothing, man.

Boys, my man Curtis sure came through

for us this time, didn't he, man?

I'm annihilated, you know?

- What?

- Get me a cookie.

Juan, don't beg me, man.

Go in the kitchen, you know.

You must get high on lawn clippings,

Jack, 'cause this ain't grass, man.

- I'm telling you that.

- Oh, you guys is tripping, man.

I told you, Curtis is our partner, man.

He came through for us, you know.

Hey, if he sold you that, man,

I wouldn't want...

- Hey. Hey, man, hide.

- What?

Hide, man. It's a bust.

Freeze, you chili-choking pepper belly.

- One guy in the front room.

- I'll check the rooms on the left.

All right, what do you got in here, lady?

- Hey, man. Get the seeds.

- Who is it, man?

- It's a bust, man. Get the seeds.

- Seeds?

Why, man?

They can't bust you for seeds.

Well, then just hide your face.

- We ain't done nothing. There's no...

- It's a bust, man.

We're clean.

There's no weed in the house.

Hey, what's going on?

- Oh, man. It's just the migra.

- Who?

- Oh, I forgot. Sh*t.

- The migra?

Yeah, they're looking for illegal aliens,

man. I forgot it's the wedding.

- The wedding?

- Yeah.

- So who are these guys?

- They're the immigration.

You know, the migra, man.

They're going to deport these dudes.

- Deport them?

- Yeah.

See, what's happening is my cousin

is getting married down in TJ, man,

so he calls the Immigration on himself.

- But why?

- So he can get a free ride, man.

See, they come down with a big old bus,

they take the whole wedding party down,

- plus they even get fed lunch, man.

- Wow.

So we're cool?

Yeah. We got nothing to worry about,

man, unless you don't got a green card.

Hello, Uncle Chuey? This is Pedro.

Hey, man, we got deported.

We're down here in Tijuana right now.

We need a way to get back.

You got anything needs

to be picked up here?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on.

Yeah?

Okay. What's the address? 1811...

Pedro.

Hey. Hey, man. We got a ride.

Wow, far out, man.

Hey, my Uncle Chuey's got a van

we gotta smuggle back

across the border, man.

- Hey, what are we smuggling?

- Upholstery, man.

He's got an upholstery shop

in Beverly Hills,

but he gets all the work done here, man,

'cause it's cheaper.

The smuggling of marijuana

from Mexico into the United States

has reached a dangerous high.

The methods have become

unbelievably devious,

and these are the seeds which may sow

the destruction of the human race.

Gentlemen, I don't think

we need to comment

on the seriousness of the situation.

Harry, will you cool that?

Just stop that, Harry.

Gentlemen, we are on the threshold

of copping one of the largest shipments

of marijuana

that has ever crossed

the Mexican border

into the United States.

The question is, how are they going

to transport it across the border?

- By boat.

- Carrier pigeon.

- Plane.

- Freight.

Piggyback.

- Plaster casts.

- Long trucks.

Long trucks.

Let me show you.

Inside TV sets.

No, Harry. No, no, no.

Not inside TV sets.

The TV set itself is the marijuana.

The tube, the picture,

the aerial, the whole works.

How can you make a TV set

out of marijuana?

That's a good question, Harry.

I'll show you.

Now, the weed is separated from seed.

The weed is then

transformed into liquid.

The liquid is then

acted upon by a chemical

which makes it hard like a plastic.

The plastic is then

transformed into a spray.

This spray, gentlemen,

is called fiberweed,

and it's pure marijuana.

Thanks to the efforts

of our undercover man

inside the dope factory,

we have some very interesting facts.

Now, that is quite a quantity

of marijuana, gentlemen.

It is not a lid, it is not a kilo,

it is not a gram.

Just how much do you think

is in this dope factory?

A million pounds.

- Harry?

- A shitload.

Harry.

What we do know

is that the dope factory is disguised

as an upholstery warehouse.

Hey, this is the street, man. Come on.

- How can you eat this stuff, man?

- I love them. Don't you like these?

I told you not to buy it, man. God.

What did you do that for, man?

I would have ate it.

You never know what's in that stuff,

man. Could be a dog or something.

- You got the address?

- Good dog, man.

Hey!

- Son of a...

-181...

Is that seven or a one? It looks seven.

Come on. Let's go check this place out.

Hey, we're here to pick up the van, man.

We're here to pick up the van.

Have a seat.

The boss will be right back.

Okay. The boss will be right back, man.

He's somewhere else.

Those burritos, man.

Hey, man, where's the bathroom?

- Straight in the back.

- Yeah. Thanks.

Come on, cheeks, tighten up.

Oh, God.

Come on, cheeks, stay together.

Let's stay together.

Come on, cheeks, stay together.

Oh, God. I hope that was a fart.

Oh, sh*t.

Excuse me, sir.

What?

Where's the toilet?

Over there.

Hey, excuse me. Where's the toilet?

Thank you very much. Oh, sh*t.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

Man, did you eat

one of them burritos, too, man?

Supposed to eat

a little bit of ice cream with it.

Come on, ice cream.

Even though we do not know

what we are looking for,

we do know the approximate value

of the weed itself.

Gentlemen, I would like

to hear your opinions.

A million?

The television set alone

is worth close to a million.

- A billion dollars.

- Now we're getting somewhere.

I'm freezing at 200 million.

- Sarge, I think it's four billion.

- You're all wrong.

Nine billion big ones, boys.

And you know what that means.

The better the bust,

- the bigger the boost.

- The bigger the boost.

Excellent.

Well, I guess that about wraps it up.

Any questions?

Where'd you learn how to

roll them big joints, man?

Hey, you like that, man?

They're heavy.

Yeah, I used to be a roadie

for the Doobie Brothers, you know.

What a groovy gig.

Yeah. That's how

I learned to play drums.

- Oh, yeah?

- Beating on the drums.

Hey, I dig Mexico, man.

I'd like to come back here

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