Up in Smoke Page #5

when we got more time.

Oh, man, are we at the border already?

Looks that way, man.

Oh, sh*t.

Hey, man, well, get rid of the stuff, man.

- Oh, yeah. Better get rid of this sh*t.

- Yeah, hurry up.

Man, just put it down, man.

Get rid of it, man. Oh, sh*t.

We're at the border, man.

Sh*t.

Lookit.

Hey, get rid of it. Not that way, man.

Throw it out.

Throw it out.

This is Toyota Kawasaki,

here at

the Mexican-United States border,

where a huge task force

of narcotic and customs agents

is preparing a surprise welcome

for a vehicle

which they say is constructed

entirely of high-grade marijuana.

Don't make that face, man.

You make me laugh.

Just let me do all the talking, man.

I got it.

- Good afternoon, sisters.

- Good afternoon, Officer.

How long have you been in Mexico?

Okay. Just be cool.

How long have you guys

been in Mexico?

A week. I mean, a day.

Which one is it, a week or a day?

A weekday.

You got any narcotics

or marijuana in here?

Not anymore.

You guys better step out of that van.

- A fire.

- Oh, Sister, a fire.

- I'm on fire.

- What is it?

Hey, this looks like a bust. Hey.

Get Stedenko on the phone right away.

This might be it.

Hey, come on.

What have we got here, Sister?

Hey, they're busting nuns, man.

- Wow. That's cold-blooded.

- Hey, let's watch, okay?

Okay. Up against the wall. All of you.

Let's get up against the wall.

Sergeant Stedenko,

exactly what are you looking for?

Dope, drugs, weed, grass,

toot, smack, quackers,

uppers, downers, all-arounders.

You name it, we want it.

And how important is it to you

to apprehend the suspects?

Critical.

The buying and selling of dope

in this country

may be the last vestige

of free enterprise left.

There's rumor, Sergeant,

that the suspects might be

armed and dangerous.

Do you expect to see any violence

here today?

I certainly hope so.

Sergeant, have you yourself

smoked marijuana?

Only once.

Hey, look, we're on TV, man.

- Sergeant, telephone.

- Hi, Mom.

- Sounds heavy.

- This could be it.

- Why are the cops around here?

- Hey, well, let's find out, man.

Yeah. Hey, listen, I got to go pee first.

Okay. Don't go scuba diving.

So it was a station wagon, huh, Harry?

Very devious.

They almost look like real nuns,

don't they, Harry?

Right down to the stockings.

Very clever. Very clever.

Not bad.

You ought to be ashamed

of yourself, you know that?

Reminds me of a funny story

my dad used to tell me, Harry.

The only kind of meat

a priest could eat on Friday was nun.

Inside!

Harry, get a sample of that car.

Yes, Sergeant.

Start the interrogation, Murphy.

I'll be right back.

Hey, what's going on out there, man?

Excuse me. What's going on out there?

Don't worry about it, buddy. It's nothing.

Just some people doing what they're

not supposed to be doing. That's all.

Son of a b*tch. Look at the...

Some a**hole pissed on my leg.

Listen, our agent

just phoned from Mexico.

It's not a bunch of nuns

in a station wagon.

It's two hippies in a green van.

Must be some heavy sh*t.

Let's go. Come on.

Get that siren up!

Where would

these two creeps hang out?

Where do hippies hang out today?

Sunset Strip.

That's where they hang out.

Yeah, we could try there.

If they're not there,

we can go up to San Francisco.

Imagine the field day

those two creeps are gonna have

when they find out

that van is made of grass, huh?

I don't believe it.

I really don't believe it.

You guys are supreme idiots.

I mean, how could you

let a big, green van

slip right through your fingers?

Spend one week at the border,

and what do we end up with?

Busting a bevy of nuns,

a guy pisses on my leg,

and I lose my special canine sentry dog.

Best cop I ever knew.

- See anything?

- Negative.

Well, use mine. They're on the floor.

Oh, yeah. These are great, Sergeant.

You can see everything.

What do you see?

You know,

there's a great donut shop up there.

- Do you think we have time...

- No, no. I mean on the road.

Wait a minute. There's the van.

There's the van.

Yeah, that's it.

Hey, listen, man,

when we get back to town,

let's really get serious

about this group, okay?

Yeah, really, man.

Like, if we practice all the time,

rehearse, man,

we could have a heavy band.

Let's not let anything interfere

with our music this time.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, you see what I see, man?

Yeah. Hey, they're hitchhiking, man.

All right.

There they go, Harry.

Keep your eye on them.

Wonder what

they're doing way out here?

I don't know, but here comes

the Mounties to the rescue.

Holy...

Turn around, Harry. They're over there.

Keep your eye on them, Harry.

Keep your eye on them.

Hey, man, you know how to drive, man?

- Sort of. Why?

- Take over, man.

Hey, what are you doing, man?

- Hi, ladies.

- Hey.

- Hey, aprs-vous, all of you.

- Thanks.

There you go. Watch your step.

I'll watch everything else.

Hey, what's happening?

- How far are you going, man?

- All the way.

All right. We're going there ourselves.

Come on over.

- There they go, Harry. There they go.

- I see them. I see them.

- Shoot their tires out.

- Got it.

- No, not yours. Use my gun.

- Thanks, Sarge.

Oh, my God.

Damn it. You stupid idiot.

Look, you idiot.

You are a stupid, stupid man.

Get over here, Harry.

Get over here. Give me that gun.

When I think of the time and the money

I've wasted on your training,

and you still turn out to be

a blithering idiot.

You're an utter failure.

You make me sick!

Have you anything to say for yourself?

In the car!

God, I will never, ever, never

take a bald-headed man

in the department again.

Wow. This is a neat van.

Yeah. Want to see the rest of it?

- Okay. Sure.

- Yeah?

Oh, hey. We'll go right back there.

The rest of it is right back there.

Go ahead. Hey, watch your step.

Yeah. There you go.

Yeah, right back there.

Hey, have fun at Magic Mountains.

Oh, yeah. I see London, I see France.

If I ain't out in three weeks, man,

send a search party.

Hey, hold on. Don't start without me.

Do you want to do a lude?

- You got ludes?

- No, I don't have any ludes.

I wish I had ludes.

I thought you said you had some.

No, I don't have some.

I do, but I don't have enough.

Oh, right. All right.

I wish I had some, you know.

I love a manly chest.

Yeah. So do I. I mean, on a girl.

Attention, all units. Attention,

all units. This is Sergeant Stedenko.

Attention, all units.

This is Sergeant Stedenko.

We are changing from a code 3,

direct pursuit, to a code 347.

Completely lost due to incompetence.

Hey, man, you know

where these chicks are going?

They're going to the Roxy, man.

They're having a battle

of the bands there, man.

Debbie was telling me all about it.

You know, they're gonna have

all these bands, man,

and the winner gets a record contract.

- A battle of the bands?

- Yeah.

Oh, it's like the best thing in the world.

We're going there

and everyone's going to be there

and everything.

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