Vamp U Page #4

trying to give you a heads-up.

Yeah, so don't be surprised if

you see Chris' name in my book.

Oh!

His book of sexual conquest.

She probably won't, Fred!

You guys are jerks.

Let's drink these.

Come on, Chris.

Everyone knows

you're getting some.

Why don't you just admit it?

Because it's none

of your business.

You're, like, in his

office every day.

- Yeah, talking about class...

- Mm-hmm.

With our pants on.

More like your

pants on each other.

Like... like, you

guys swap them.

I think we swapped pants.

Huh. Oh.

Sex is so crazy.

Has its moments.

I need you to take me

to the chiropractor.

Yeah.

When she was 12, she told her dad

she probably wanted to marry me.

How do you know that?

He told me.

Believe me

Speak of the vampire.

Dr. G?

Yeah. And he's with Chris.

Deceive me

Let me see.

This is an expensive camera.

I know you did

Dude, they're

getting into his car.

I'm sorry

we are all alone now

together

Dude, Dr. G is

humping your breezy.

She's not my breezy.

She's nobody's breezy.

Nothing's going on between them.

It's just that they... they

got into the car together.

She doesn't have sex every time

she gets into somebody's car.

She's been in my car a lot.

Dude, think about it.

Holding it down

Dr. Gs humping my breezy.

Never let me down

like this before

How long have you been

humping this breezy?

A few days... well,

probably about five weeks.

Am I just a schmuck to you?

Why didn't you tell me?

She's my student,

and she's a kid.

And now you're vamping

out like it's 1399?

Yeah, pretty much.

Hey, could you

vamp out right now?

I'm not gonna do

it in your office.

Let me just throw

this out there.

Ohh. Besides Mary, um... How

many people have you killed?

No one.

I never asked you to

help me kill people.

Oh, God.

I am so happy to

hear you say that.

I was sweating that

big-time, I'm telling you.

That is a load off my mind.

Wow! Okay.

Except, you know, uh, but, then,

why did you want to vamp out in

the first place?

I thought it'd

make me feel better.

I didn't think

about the killing.

Now, don't get me wrong... back

during the renaissance, I used

to drain fools for

walking funny.

But, then, when I met Mary, then

she made me feel different.

All right.

You don't want to kill anyone.

You don't want to

play in the NFL.

So, what now?

Well... well, we're just

trying to make me feel better?

Well, at some point, you're just

gonna have to let her go, right?

I mean, look at you.

You're vamping out.

You've got a girl that makes you

feel like you haven't

felt in 300 years.

That's all good.

Do you know why

I feel that way?

Because when I'm with Chris, I

have these moments, these...

these fleeting moments like

Mary's still alive, like I never

killed her.

Then the moment's gone,

and she's still dead.

"I waked, she fled, and day

brought back my night."

What am I doing with a

A lot less than I would.

Listen, she's

brought you this far.

Just give her a chance.

Hey, stranger.

Hey.

It's been a while.

Yeah.

So much has happened lately.

How does something

like that just happen?

Well, like, one time, when I was

in his office, I-I took off

my coat, and... I was

naked underneath.

Why are you telling me this?

Because you're like the only person

I can talk to about this stuff.

Another time, we were in his

office, and we were, like, being

intimate and stuff...

you were having sex.

Yeah. Well, like, the whole time,

all I could think about was you.

No, no.

I mean, no, no.

It's... it's not like that.

I mean, I don't... I don't

think about you that way.

I don't think about

you that way, either.

That was just muscle memory.

From what?

Other stuff.

Oh.

Look... I just thought that...

that college would be

different, you know?

Like, we'd hang out and get wasted...

stuff like that.

I could just be a student and

not have crazy good sex

with my Professor.

What do I do, Fred?

You need to dump his ass... And

quick, before you change your mind.

Once I'm dead

you can tell me everything

Dude, come here.

What?

Just come over here.

Check this out.

Oh. That's Chris.

When she was with Dr. G.

Yeah, thanks for

bringing that up.

No, look.

There's Chris, there's Dr. Gs

umbrella, and no Dr. G!

Oh, my gosh.

Tom, I know... now you can

Photoshop me in there and make

me feel like a bigger idiot.

Dude, I didn't Photoshop it.

Whatever.

I got a quiz on this, so if you can

keep it down, I'd appreciate it.

There's the umbrella.

There's Chris.

Where's Dr. G?

Dude, I am not that good.

I'm not that good.

Exhibit "C"... there's Chris,

there's the umbrella,

and where's Dr. G?

Why would Dr. G not show up?

Shh!

But your hair is a little bit

darker than how she kept it at

the time, but it was cut

off just below the neck.

Marilyn was 5'5" when she wasn't

slouching, and Jack was 6'2".

So she liked to wear high

heels when she visited him at

the oval office 'cause she liked

to look at him in the eyes.

But the affair made

Jack uncomfortable.

He loved his wife.

Marilyn was just a distraction,

something to take his

mind off Castro.

You okay, Tom?

Need some water?

Yeah, I just got a cough.

The days are getting shorter.

You better hurry.

Why... because

the sun might set?

I swear, you're like a

werewolf or something.

And we still are gonna meet at

the tower theater tomorrow?

Oh, yeah.

If it's another Woody Allen

movie, you should go by yourself.

I'm just sick of all these

stupid old-person dates.

I mean, why can't we go out

at night, like normal people?

I'm not a normal person.

Ohh, God!

You're just like my mom!

You think you're

better than everyone.

You know... Sometimes,

when we're having

sex, I think of other people.

I think of someone

else every time.

Mary, you're probably rolling

over in your grave right now.

Yeah, like I give a

sh*t what she thinks.

And she's not dead.

What?

My mom's not dead.

You said she's probably

rolling over in her grave.

I said Mary is probably rolling

over in her grave right now.

Are you a moron?

She's not dead.

You only say that

when people are dead.

Your mother's name is Mary?

Yeah.

You knew that.

No. I would not

have forgotten that.

Well, that's her name.

Don't wear it out.

What's her maiden name?

Why the hell do you care?

Because I care!

It's Lipinsky.

Wayne.

Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

What's wrong with your face?!

I thought I lost you, Mary.

What? Oh! Oh!

Holy sh*t!

You're a werewolf, for real?!

I'm a badass.

Wayne, no!

Oh, God!

Mary?

Chris!

Chris!

Oh, she's still... Oh, sh*t!

Sh*t!

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Okay. Whew, whew, whew!

That was a bad one.

Whew! Okay.

Oh-oh

oh-oh-oh-oh

doo-ooh

tell Santa I

gave you my heart

but don't tell him

you threw it away

Hello.

Hi. Is Mary here?

Uh, she went to a movie.

Probably Woody Allen.

I don't know.

How do I know you again?

Just from around the town.

Oh.

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