Vamp U Page #5

Does she have amazing skin?

Yeah.

That's... that's a

weird question.

Do you have a

photograph of her?

My wife doesn't like

to be photographed.

Right. Right, sorry.

This belongs to her.

All right.

Thank you.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh!

Told it to the angel,

now we're worlds apart

now...

Wait. You thought Chris was

dead, but she's still alive.

Mary, who is dead, is

at a Woody Allen movie?

She must have been in a... in

a coma when they buried her.

I mean, people didn't check

for pulses back then.

But if her mother was a

vampire, wouldn't Chris have

been born a vampire?

No, it doesn't work that way.

It's like herpes.

A mother can have it, but that

doesn't mean a child will.

So, you have to bring the person to

the edge of death, and then stop?

What... to turn

them into a vampire?

No, no.

You just have to drink about

a pint of their blood.

That's it?

That's how much I

give when I donate.

Does your bite have venom,

like in "twilight"?

No. People get all these

ridiculous ideas.

It's not about the bite... it's

the drinking of the

blood that does it.

That's so simple,

it's almost stupid.

Yeah. I could slit your

wrist, drain it into a glass,

and drink it... tomorrow,

you'd be a vampire.

I'm game.

Yeah.

I really wish I didn't

turn Chris into a vampire.

I just don't know how

this is gonna play out.

Oh, like a fairy tale, my friend...

like a fairy tale that

never ends.

Just the same, I'd better

be there when she wakes up.

Terrific. I'll go with you.

No.

Okay.

Chris?

Oh, sh*t.

Dvvvt!

What's worse... he steals your

girl or steals your girl, then

turns her into a vampire?

You know, both scenarios suck.

Lucky for me, vampires don't

exist, so I only have to worry

about the first one.

How much evidence do you need?

Come in.

Oh!

Speak of the vampire.

Dr. G, what are you doing

here at this ungodly hour?

It's 9:
30.

The witching hour.

Well, can we get anything for

you, perhaps something to drink?

Uh, no thanks.

I'm actually looking for

Chris, uh, Chris Keller.

Yeah. We know her last name.

Some of us used to take baths

with her when we were little.

Well, t-this is important.

Have you tried

looking in your car?

I know she spends a lot

of time in there lately.

Please, if you have any information...

The lambda sigs are having a

bonfire up the canyon.

Why do you need her?

I-I just need to find her.

You still don't think

he's a vampire?

No.

Just a big, fat,

stupid son of a b*tch.

You have to meet Ludmila.

Please don't get me

everything I want

I want to want some things

and if you were to give me

everything, I hope you'd make it

hard for me

Sorry about this, buddy.

Ambush, ambush, ambush,

ambush, ambush, ambush

ambush, ambush, ambush,

ambush, ambush

gather all my folk who's

all together, rally 'round

Hello, Chris.

Listen to the drummer...

Oh, don't you

know how to knock?

How many people

have you killed?

Uh.

He makes 29.

All my folk who's all

together, rally 'round

listen to the

drummer talking

Chris, we need to talk.

What's there to talk about?

You're a vampire now.

Uh-huh.

And, uh... Wow, really?

I mean, 29?

Oh!

I need to teach you

certain rules.

Like what?

Well, how to style your hair

without a mirror, how not to

blow up in the sun, how to not

leave people alive, or they're

gonna turn into vampires!

Then why did you

leave me alive, huh?

Because I never

meant to hurt you.

Oh!

Look, we need to talk

about alternatives here.

What are you talking about?

Well, like... like

drinking animal blood.

But you didn't get my note?

Yeah. I tried that

sh*t in your fridge.

You get used to it.

Just because you're a weak-ass

vampire doesn't mean I have to be.

Look, I know this is all

very, very new to you.

It's probably very difficult.

No.

You know, it's

actually kind of easy.

Well, help me clean this up, and

then we can talk about this.

You know what?

Clean it up yourself.

Oh!

This woman mean,

an aggravated teen

got you running scared

Damn, it feels

good to be a gangsta.

...shook by guerrilla

tactics, ambush

you can say you been hit now

gather all my folk who's

all together, rally 'round

listen to the drummer

talking, listen to the sound

ambush

Mary, I can't wait

to hold you in my arms

I always knew

this day would come

Want to catch a movie?

Now we're sitting here,

in lives we can't deny

Mary! Whoa!

Your toast is burnt.

Mary, I said I love you

I want a divorce.

I hope you feel the same

I deserve a smoothy.

There's just something...

I killed a priest when

he said I had no soul.

I killed a football player

who had feelings for me.

Mary, hold me close

Oh.

You really couldn't grow

your teeth without me?

Well, okay, well,

I-I said I couldn't.

But then the funniest

thing happened to me.

Okay, so... okay, not "ha

ha" funny, more of a, um,

like, "that's interesting"

kind of funny, you know?

Um.

So, you know your

daughter Chris?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How do you... how

do you know her?

Well, just from school.

But you know how you two

look exactly alike?

We're practically twins.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, anyway, uh, she made

my teeth grow long.

And then we had sex

a bunch of times.

Um, but I am not in love with her,

and we were about to break up.

Also, uh, I turned her into a

vampire, and she killed about

I thought of you every time.

You have to get out of here.

Mary.

Go away.

Mary, I can't wait

Go away!

To hold you in my arms

I always knew this

day would come

and now we're sitting here,

in lives we can't rely on

They prefer to make

love in the daytime.

It calms their fear of the sun.

After climax, I

always take a sketch.

What? What's wrong?

You don't like sex?

No, I'd probably love sex.

I just... I don't see how

hearing about your multiple

partners is gonna help us out.

There is over 1,000

sketches in this book.

If he has ball

sac... He's in there.

Ball sac?

What... what about him?

Did you make love to him?

No, not this one... And

God knows I tried.

I met him in Coney island, 1986.

He said he loved once

before and that was enough.

He got me a corn dog.

What was his name?

He never said, but his

nickname I remember.

What was it?

The great one.

Let's go.

I've got an appointment with

her, but I'll meet you out...

meet you out there.

Thank you.

Take this and put it on there.

Are you sure?

Oh, hey, b*tch faces,

where is everybody?

I think they went bowling.

Lame.

Is this absinthe?

You do not even know

what you're missing.

None of you do.

I've got something that

will blow you mind.

What is it?

Come in here.

Where's your whip,

sexified b*tch?

Ow!

Are you trying to be,

like, all lesbian on me?

Just come here.

Do you want to do body shots?

Shh.

Mm.

Okay.

Ooh.

Oh, Chris, I'm so glad

you roll this way.

Mm. Me too.

Ugh! Aah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Ta-da!

What?

You'll thank me tomorrow.

Aah!

Yeah.

Yeah, that looks good.

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