Vamp U Page #6

Come on.

Come on.

Nothing.

Why did you have to

tell her about Chris?

I mean you had to, right?

Damn it.

All those hours of therapy, and

now we're right back

to the drawing board.

Your hands are prune-y.

That seems odd happening

to a vampire.

So, is, uh, 29 a lot?

Yeah, it's a lot.

What... you don't

think that's a lot?

Well, I don't know.

There was a guy in Toulouse.

He killed 19 his first night.

He's what they call a

Nosferatu Puternic.

What's that?

It's Romanian for

"super vampire."

These guys are

cold-blooded murderers.

They kill way more

than they can drink.

Is he still alive?

No, no.

He fell asleep in the sun.

You have to kill

her, don't you?

Are you crazy?

I thought we were

here to kill him.

Dude, the sunlight

will kill him.

And this way, if... if he's not

a vampire, we won't go to jail.

What the hell?

For the last five weeks, you've

been saying you're

positive he's a vampire.

And I am, but this way, I

don't have to be positive.

Thou shalt break them

thou shalt break them

Yo, Dr. G.

You played me like a b*tch!

Like a b*tch!

What?

You stole my girl.

I don't know what

you're talking about.

And we got a

picture to prove it.

You have a photograph of me?

Yeah, come around

the desk and see it.

Well, show it to me.

I'm too tired to come over.

Thou shalt dash them

in pieces, in pieces

It's empty.

Aah!

We bounced sunlight

on your vampire ass!

How you like me now, huh? Huh?!

Ohh!

He didn't die, you a**hole!

I don't have time for this!

That's hickory, you moron.

Thou shalt break them

Ohh!

Oh, that's such bullshit!

Thou shalt break them

with a rod of iron

You guys are really easy

to fight, so stop, okay?

Let's just talk.

Just promise not to

bite my best friend.

Please, please, please, pl...

I'm not going to.

I couldn't, anyway... Not

with everything that's going

on in my personal life.

Why don't you guys take a seat?

I don't want to sit

down in your sex chair.

Well, just lean against

something, then, okay?

What if I just

want to stand up?

Fine. Whatever.

What I'm trying to say is that

what I have to tell you guys is

gonna be a little bit difficult

to take standing up.

Really? More difficult than

finding out that your most

favorite teacher ever is a

vampire and he had a bunch of

"crazy good sex"

with your soul mate?

It gets worse.

What... you killed her?!

No.

I turned her into a vampire.

And now we have to kill her.

Bastard!

I know. I know.

I'm a bastard.

I'm a son of a b*tch

and just a big dick.

You know, I didn't mean for

any of this stuff to happen.

But she's out of control...

And I have to stop her.

How?

I don't know yet.

Um.

Let us help you.

You guys suck.

Dude, she's really pretty and

everything, but she

wasn't that into you.

And... and now she's

a demon from hell!

I said you suck!

Tell us what to do.

So, why does it have to be ash?

I don't know.

Why does the sun

make me explode?

I mean, why am I still

allergic to peanuts?

So, after we kill Chris, do

we get to kill you, too?

Well, I guess I

wouldn't blame you.

'Cause you're still a vampire.

Yeah, Fred, but he's different.

"Different" as in he likes to

have sex with teenage girls and

turn them into vampires?

Well, I guess I'm different because

I don't like to kill people.

Yeah, just your

ex-girlfriends.

Turns out.

You've been one

way longer than her.

Shouldn't you be

way more powerful?

Yeah. Why can't you

fight her by yourself?

It's because I'm impotent.

Vampires fight

with their wieners?

No.

I assure you I can hold

a gigantic erection.

Um, I can maintain an erection.

What I mean by "impotent"

is that I can't vamp out.

I can't... can't grow my teeth.

Why not?

Is it because you're a dick?

It's a long story.

But even if I could vamp out,

she's way stronger than me.

I saw her strength that first

night, and she's just learning.

Figures.

You would be a weak-ass vampire.

I'm not weak...

she's stronger.

So, do vampires do everything

in horseshit and snow?

Yeah, Tom.

Yeah, everything we do is

in horseshit and snow.

You got that from the

vampire book, I guess.

Just saying.

It's the only

place in the shade.

What do you want?

Okay, I'm gonna be holding her

down because that's gonna be

the hardest part.

Here. I want you to hold the

stake into place and just lean

into it a little bit.

'Cause I'm heavy?

Just to help, all right?

Fred, get ready with

the sledgehammer.

Hey, hold it right

over her heart, okay?

Dude, do not smash my fingers.

All right, Fred, you

got to hit it hard.

Vampire bone is very dense.

Okay.

We only got one shot at this.

You nail that b*tch

to the ground.

She's my b*tch, you big dick.

How the hell do I

get out of here?!

You big dick and your

big, fat d*ckhead fence!

I hate you!

I'm holding

that against you

Dude, if you do that during the

real one, it's gonna suck so bad.

Deceive me

I know you did

I'm sorry

This is hard on

all of us, Fred.

That's easy for you to say.

Together

She was supposed

to be my breezy.

We're so far apart

The blood drive is mandatory.

We're going to have it

at the STD boys' house.

Where's Chris?

She's supposed to be here.

How are they gonna have a

blood drive at our house?

They're going to park

a trailer in front.

It's got everything they need.

We just need to supply all the

refreshments for the donors, okay?

Oh, I just got the chills.

Where have you guys been?

Oh, well, we just, uh, killed a

gas station attendant, and we

had to cover it up.

Oh, that's funny.

Oh, it was.

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Meeting adjourned, b*tches.

Now, who wants to be a vampire?

Come on. Don't be shy.

All right.

Well, the rest of

you are dinner.

Let's get out of here, Fred.

Dr. G!

Dr. G, oh, my God!

I've been looking

everywhere for you guys.

Fred wanted to try

to talk to Chris.

Did you?

What did you do to her?

She's turning her

sorority into vampires!

Only half of them.

They're gonna eat the rest.

We're gonna need help.

Who's gonna help us?

Huh?

Hello, Wayne.

Hi, Mary.

I-I was just noticing how

beautiful your flowers are.

They're mums.

Well, your mum has

excellent taste.

Here we are again

dancing through...

How do you know Fred green?

Uh, he's, uh, helping us with

the logistics on... How we're

going to kill Chris.

She's turned her sorority

sisters into vampires.

And she's strong.

She's really strong.

Why did you do this to her?

You know the funniest

things happen in life.

This is not one of them,

though, as you know.

I messed up pretty bad.

Why did you bury me?

I didn't know.

I need your help, Mary.

Is Fred a vampire now?

No. No, no, no.

He's just helping us out.

He'll be killed.

Well, we're working

on a game plan.

I won't help you

kill my daughter.

I can't do that.

Yeah, I figured as much.

If I could just have your blessing...

Well... Wish me luck.

Probably die.

I was hungry, so I had to stop

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes