Video Vixens Page #6

That's right.

Goddamn it.

Let's get rid of

these goddamn pillows.

There we go.

Spread that leg over there.

Spread your shoulders.

Get your hair out of the way.

Honey, there ain't nothing

to be worried about.

We're just shooting a movie.

You're gonna bet he start.

You ready to go to Hollywood,

all them parties, sign all them

autographs, all them debuts?

Here.

Got-- get a good

fix on that tit.

There you go.

Make sure we ready

the other one.

All righty, honey.

It's OK.

Everything's gonna

be all right, huh?

Just relax.

Everything's fine.

All right.

Good.

Yeah, you're doing good.

Pull that f***ing camera!

[groaning]

Yeah, that was good.

Well, you just been

balled by an artist.

How does it feel?

Well, sh*t on you!

Now I know why I'm the only

one who's gotta simulate.

That was Rex Boorski's "Stag

Film Director," a very true

to life performance.

We'll be right back.

Does the pain of hemorrhoids

inhibit your sex life?

Does your sphincter

spark, sputter, and spit

during bowel movements?

Do you rememberlast when you tasted

the sweet joys of aniling us.

Don't shrink hemorrhoids.

Call Rhoid Away.

[screaming]

Roid Away eliminates analphobia

and other rectal inhibitions.

Remember, a moment's pain

for a lifetime of pleasure.

SONG:
Don't suffer with pain.

Take the Rhoid Away.

Right away get Rhoid Away!

What you've just seen was

a commercial announcement

paid for by advertisers

not in any way

connected with this station.

The next award will be given

in the category best dialogue.

For its tattles and prattles

and chitchat and babbles,

its delicate delicatedis

courses, powerhouse powwows,

for its parlays of genius

and so subtle confabulations

never ending in muddles, for it

stete-a-tete discussions which

hindered eruptions,

the nominees are

"Wishbone Wonderlust," "Thanking

Thighs," and "Beach Ball."

May I have the envelope, please?

And the winner is "Beach Ball!"

[applause]

Hello there, you

little cocksucker.

If I were you, sir, I'd keep

a civil tongue in my head.

My tongue is--

[phone ringing]

Control room.

Hello.

Who's in charge there?

Oh, hello, Mr Chairman.

Cliff?

Cliffy, is that you?

I tried to reach you at home.

What-- what the hell is going

on at our television station

tonight?

Do you have any idea what--

Oh, you're talking about

the stag film awards show.

Hell, everything's

under control.

It's my baby!

I thought the whole

thing up myself.

I got you guys.

I mean, let's face it

there, Mr Chairman.

The show is on, and there's

not a power on Earth

that's gonna stop it now.

What-- what are

you talking about?

Tell me this is all a bad dream.

Tell me, Cliff.

All these years when you were

number one in the business

we never had problems.

But what are you talking about?

Do you know what they're doing

out there in prime time TV?

Do you know what's going

on in this country?

Do you?

Do you?

Look, Mr Chairman,

no more games.

We all know that

you're part and parcel

of the antisexual

conspiracy poisoning

this great country of ours.

Let's lay our

cards on the table.

You sexless people on one side,

myself and a few other patriots

loyal to the joys

and responsibilities

of sexual freedom in

America on the other.

Oh my god.

He's gone nuts.

This whole show is

a coup for our side.

Of course, I'm prepared

to face the consequences.

Fire me.

Why?

Why?

Why did you do it, you crazy,

motherfucking son of a b*tch?

What did I do to deserve this?

I'm fired, right?

Just say the words, Mr Chairman.

Oh.

Oh, sure, Cliff.

Sure, you're fired.

Oh yes, you're fired.

You're fired.

MAN:
You're wicked loose,

you horny little mama.

Think I'm gonna give you

the fall of your life.

Yes, I am.

GIRL:
Yeah, f*** me.

F*** me.

I wanna drool.

I wanna--

Camera two, move in.

Why?

We'll return after a

word from our sponsor.

ANNOUNCER:
March 15, 1893, on

a sudden daring impulse, Pamela

Flanders and Clarissa

Richardson let

their fancies take wing and

actually gave each other

a little peck on the mouth.

Just then, Mr Richardson,

husband to Clarissa,

surprised the pair.

For the crime of

kissing her friend,

Mr Richardson sentenced his

wife to a week's confinement

in the wine cellar.

Well, you've come

a long way, ladies.

SONG:
Men, we've come

a long, long way.

You are out of style.

Thank you, Kentucky Dildo.

All us women have grown up.

You're still juvenile.

Thank you, Kentucky Dildo.

In sex you gave a bit

[inaudible] whether not.

You flew right by our clitoris

and left us feeling hot.

Well, you're just a

piece of sh*t to us.

Go piss in a pot.

Thank you, Kentucky Dildo.

Men, who needs you?

We've come a long, long way.

Men are out of style.

Thank you, Kentucky Dildo.

Thank you, Kentucky Dildo.

Thank you, Kentucky Dildo.

ANNOUNCER:
Kentucky D*ldos--

because you've come a long way.

Our next award will be given

in the category of best music.

As all of you stagfilm a

ficionados know,

stag film producers use

cheap, raunchy library music.

The ears of our judges

have been assaulted

daily by the raucous

dissonance of score

after score of such music.

However, there was one score

that stood a cut above the rest

in originality and execution.

Inga, will you announce

the winner, please?

The winner is-- pardon.

The winner is-- the winner is a

fellow nominee for this award,

"Gagnon, The Vice Cop."

And now a clip from that film.

MAN (VOICEOVER):
Los

Angeles is a city

festering with every

known vice and perversion.

There are laws to prevent this.

I enforce 'em.

I'm a cop.

On August 17th, 10:30AM,

my partner Bernie

picked up a call.

A girl was raped and

assaulted in her apartment.

We're on our way.

I thought he was

selling vacuum cleaners.

He told me he had

an enormous hose.

So you let him in?

That's right.

What happened?

Well, when I let him in, I

asked to see his enormous hose.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, that's when he did it.

Did what?

Raped me, of course!

Do you mind covering

your tit, ma'am?

Oh, sure.

Joe, it just came

in, another rape.

Something about a man

having a large hose.

Same person?

I don't see how.

The rape occurred

exactly 10:
30 AM

in Beverly Hills, the same

time this girl was raped.

Let's go, er-- oh sh*t.

Let's go, Bernie.

Oh, there is one thing him.

Ma'am.

He had a hose this big.

I had the precinct go through

the files of known rapists

with long hoses.

They thought I was joking.

Yeah?

So I told 'em.

Told 'em what?

That I don't f*** around.

She was a pretty girl about

20, stacked, friendly.

Wherever the rapist was, he was

picking his prey with taste.

We noted it down.

Well?

He told me had a big, long hose.

So naturally I let him in.

Why?

WOMAN (VOICEOVER):

Sure, I let him in.

All of a sudden he opens

his coat and flashes me.

Like wow.

He had one hell of a

hose, let me tell you.

So he rapes me.

Anything else can tell us about

the man besides his long hose?

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