Violet Tendencies Page #7

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I got 8 inches for you.

You want my 8 inches?

What, you gonna f*** me twice?

Most men hold their tension

in the pelvic floor

which is why the sacred spot

massage is so important.

I mean it really makes you

more peaceful.

That's why you don't see the gays

marching off to war.

Who's that?

Shhhh.

Okay, here we go.

That's so wild.

It's good, ha?

Chippy likes it wild.

Wild is good.

Hey, I can see you're busy,

but can I borrow a condom.

Take this blindfold off.

Violet, you can't live like this.

I got to get you out of here now.

Come on you can stay with me.

Okay, I'll pack.

Let's just go.

Now.

OkaY

Help?

Oh!

Ashley adopted in Namibia.

How was that experience?

Better than giving birth,

Actually I'm not so sure,

Africa can be notoriously difficult.

Joey, play nice!

So what are you writing

these days?

No more fiction, no.

Now I write daily blogs

about my children.

Children?

Number two is on the way.

Darling, today blogs begin

at conception.

Mommy I gotta go.

Not now.

Oh she's so cranky when

she's teething.

I had to go to the doctor to get

some Xanax just to get through it.

It's your other daddy!

He'?-

Hey Matt.

How are you doing?

Where is my big boy?

Come here!

Oh, you okay?

We're fine.

I'm Markus.

Oh Markus, I'm Jenny.

This is Riley's boyfriend,

I mean partner:

I never know what to say.

We never know either.

Husband, actually.

Markus is my husband.

Husband, husband, husband

I want these personally

delivered to 77 7th Avenue

My boyfriend bought it for me.

No.

What?

What's so goddamned funny?

Well, I'm not laughing with you.

What have you manifested?

He's in your office.

Donna!

Boss?

I finally found the inspiration

for my fall line:

Bedouin tents.

Yeah?

I understand they're

mildew-resistant.

Is it that hideous?

It's just... not you, is all.

Well,

Vern likes me this way

I'm gonna pretend like

I didn't hear that.

I know what you're thinking.

Yeah, probably.

What if I wanna get married

and move far, far away?

What?

Audrey did it.

And I can only assume

she's very happy.

You're not Audrey.

I turned 40 this year; Riley. 40!

I'm like the oldest living fag hag.

Vern...

Vern might be my last chance

to settle down.

Settle just about sums it up.

You are not a woman.

You do not know the pressures...

I know you!

So?

So you've never covered up.

You've never ignored your friends.

And you told me to kill you dead

if you ever; ever changed fora man.

You told me to kill you if ever;

ever you changed for a man.

How have 1...?

Sure it's just the dog

being housebroken?

Okay.

Okay?

Okay.

You wanna be an a**hole?

I'm the a**hole?

Get over there.

Yes, you're the a**hole.

Oh f*** you.

F*** you!

Yeah, roll the parachute up.

Should we check with Vern?

You know I'm wearing the dress,

but I also got the balls.

Oh that's fine with me because...

You wanna go check with Baby?

Oh, you're on my hair!

Oww!

No biting!

Ouch!

Oww!

You hit me.

Bradleigh wants the camera.

Okay.. that was f***ing hot.

It'd be an honor to model

for your ad campaign, Bradleigh.

It's Brad-LAY

Oh, Brad-LAY, sorry.

That Marc Jacobs ad

was shot in Maine.

Ocean was so icy my junk

just nearly shriveled right up!

You're new to the city

I take it?

Just got in last Friday.

We're gonna take a quick photo.

Hi, I'm Violet.

Oh, hi I'm Cyd.

But call me J-Flame...

everybody does.

J-Flame?

I just realized I don't have

anything that will fit you.

Oh, everything fits me.

I'm sample size.

True.

You got a great look.

I could use the color

in my ad campaign...

or sprawled on my chinchilla rug.

So lamentably the truth is you're

just too swishy

to model for Bradleigh.

Swishy?

Swi-SHAY.

But modeling only has to do

with how I look.

Who told you that?

What?

Go do an email blast.

When you told me last night

you loved me...

Did you mean it?

Where the hell have you been?

I haven't seen you in like a week.

I have huge news.

What the hell are you wearing?

Vern took me shopping.

Okay. Was he the Vern?

Yes, but you know

after your rude interruption

we spent the most amazing

week together:

And I'm not gonna say anything else

because I don't wanna jinx it.

Hello naked boy in my house.

I'm Andre.

I'm going to go grab

another cup of coffee.

Anybody else want?

No, thanks.

He won't leave.

You might soon be in the market

for a new roommate.

What do you mean?

You're not leaving.

Things are moving kinda quickly.

I haven't even met Vern.

I think that's why

they are going so great.

I also happen to know that you're

keeping him from Markus and Riley.

How can you be nesting with someone

who doesn't even know

your best friends?

How could he possibly know you?

What's your huge news?

I found your fag stag.

Fine as fine can be...

and honey, he is into you.

I know him?

Yes!

Who?

When am I meeting Vern?

You're not.

Okay, are you ashamed

of your friends?

Or you ashamed of yourself, huh?

I could live here.

Oh boy.

Oh, Saturday afternoon is great.

Oh, I don't know.

What about you?

I'd really like to go to Central Park.

We could stroll through the rambles...

picnic at Cherry Hill...

gaze at the Dakota?

Mmm hmm...

I prefer to wait for the light.

There's no traffic.

There's no traffic!

It's one of the ways

I practice patience.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

What are you gonna do with me?

Practice patience.

Lot of men checking you out.

Oh, hi Violet!

Women, too.

Are you famous?

Look. Gargoyle!

What in the world

is going on here?

I totally forgot

that this lawn is a...

boy-hive.

Vern, I am afraid that

something is about to go down

and I need to tell you.

What is it?

You can tell me anything.

Remember my roommate?

I was blindfolded at the time.

He's just the tip of... you know

all my life I've been a fruit fly.

What?

Fag hag?

Queen mother?

Every last man in my life is gay.

We'll get through this.

Vernon, run!

No, wait!

What is going on here?

This is an intervention.

Just give me a minute.

No, please.

We want him to stay.

Who are you people?

We're her friends

More than friends.

In a totally not sexual way, but...

This is us at our first pride,

remember that?

You've always been unconditional...

and we support you no matter

who you choose to love.

But your heterosexuality is

hurting us in the following ways:

Since you met Vern,

it feels like you're

becoming someone who's not Violet.

How dare you say

I'm not good for Violet.

Honestly, it's not about you.

It's about hen

Vern, no.

Wait!

I haven't even read mine yet.

We just wanna be part of your life.

I knew this was a bad idea.

Free hugs!

Free hugs!

Free hug.

Oh, frisky... great...

What?!?

You know surrogates

are really hard to come by.

Yes, and expensive.

The best deal is this agency in India.

- Really?

- Yeah.

You give them 20 grand, fly down

there with the egg and the sperm

9 months later fly back

and pick up your newborn.

Can't they just Fed-Ex the baby back?

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