Vive la France Page #3

Sure.

We know all these gypsy tricks

with their fake chairs and limbs.

- Where is the center?

- Up north.

In Toulouse.

Don't worry!

I'll get you out, I promise.

I won't let you down!

Right, Mario and Luigi,

we can't verify your identities

so you'll be deported

to your home country.

That's it, it's all over.

My kidney's gone for good!

Screw your kidney!

We've brought shame on our land.

We'll be executed,

we won't go to paradise!

You understand me?

Absolutely. We speak French.

Good, that'll save time.

What country then?

Taboulistan.

Seriously? Does it exist?

I never heard of it.

Between Afghanistan,

Tajikistan and Kirghizstan.

Give me an in-stan to type it!

You're not even on Google Maps.

The only result

is a Lebanese restaurant up the road.

We not Lebanese!

There's no extradition treaty

so we'll ship you off fast.

Here we go...

A flight for Baghdad

tomorrow morning.

Baghdad?

But we not Arabs, we Tabouls.

No beard, only moustache.

Same difference.

- Not same!

- 3,000 km away!

A hike will do you good.

You can call your tribe

just over there.

Welcome to Club Med.

Baghdad?

What become us in Baghdad?

Alin? It's Yannick Noah.

Five days without news!

I very angry,

you filthy trashcan hound!

Now I hear what? You still alive?

I even more angrier!

It not our fault.

Plane not go to Paris.

Police arrest us

and send us back.

Shut up!

I swear on my life of mine,

if you come back here

and Eiffel Tower standing,

I unleash hell on an old gentleman

I go to fetch from your village...

Yes, Dada!

Say hi, Dada.

Hi.

Hi, Dada!

I bring him to get air,

he was too pale.

Very kind, Alin.

Take walk, Dada.

Turn right!

If you hesitate,

Dada not always miss bullets.

Get it?

I count on you.

Goodbye, Alain.

Take it, for you.

- What's that?

- Money.

We not go Baghdad.

Put that away.

Who do you think I am?

We have ethics here in France.

Ethics?

What's ethics?

No idea.

Then again...

there may be another way...

All right...

It's Croc-Croc's birthday

and Fragada

brings him his present.

Come here.

You too.

You're good, you devils.

It's party time.

You're having fun.

Start dancing.

Do it or you're off to Baghdad!

Dance!

I can't dance in this!

Come on, Fragada!

Stop talking and dance.

Not like that!

Make it more sensual!

Rub against each other.

- This is good, huh?

- No.

You're so soft...

And you...

You smell of strawberries.

It's disgusting.

No, it's not disgusting,

it's natural.

Good evening.

It's so hot this evening,

don't you think?

Officer...

I'm ok, I have air-con.

Great...

Croc-Croc doesn't like your present.

You went to so much trouble...

So spank him.

This is weird.

You're weird. Do it!

- I don't want spank him.

- Spank!

Come on, we're losing the rhythm!

Spank!

Show naughty Croc-Croc!

- You want spank?

- That's good!

I spank, you want that?

No, it's too confused.

Confused, he said!

But you're the one who...

This what you want? Spank?

This is fantastic.

Carry on, I'll get Tornado.

Stop!

Come on!

Hurry!

Fetch your superior now

so I can explain!

If they're not examined by a doctor

in 10 minutes,

it's a tragedy for them

and the job line for you!

Get it?

Madam, I'll be frank with you,

totally frank...

I don't give a sh*t.

I really don't give a sh*t.

Not even one little turd!

See you, weather girl!

Who's going to punish

naughty Croc-Croc and Fragada?

Tornado!

The bastards...

I don't believe it!

Where the hell are they?

You'd rather work all night then!

You can't do this to me!

The hell I can't!

Screw this...

It's Bernard.

Two of them got away.

Let me get changed and I'm on my way.

There!

Great...

Sh*t!

Marianne Bouvier?

What are you doing there?

Marianne Bouvier! Help us!

Climb out!

No, too fast!

Come on, jump!

It kill us!

Hold on!

Look at that a**hole!

- What the f***?

- Brake!

You're f***ing crazy!

You forgot my trash again.

You nearly killed us for that?!

C'mon, I worked the distance out.

If it was up to me,

you'd never drive again.

Thanks to you, the planet's dying!

I do my bit.

I sort my trash. So do yours.

It's recyclable.

Crazy b*tch...

We did it!

- We did it?

- Yes!

What's with the outfits?

It's complicated.

Why were you on the gate?

I live nearby. I ran out of sugar.

You live near prison?

No, dummy, I was coming to get you.

I had to get you out.

Thank you.

What called?

Marianne Bouvier!

And now we go Paris!

An unusual escape

from the holding center.

Two Pakistani illegals

managed to get away

dressed as a rabbit

and a centipede.

The communiqu doesn't say

if the officers were drunk.

The two fugitives are believed to be

somewhere near Toulouse.

And now, back to the music.

Good morning.

Time for some music

with Charles Trenet...

Good morning.

Sweet France

Dear land of my childhood

Lulled by tender, carefree days

I've kept you in my heart

My village

Look!

Lts steeple, its peaceful homes

Where children of my age

Shared those happy times

Yes, I love you!

And I give you this poem...

This is it?

We in Paris now? That Notre-Dame?

No, not yet.

We're stopping in St Cirq-Lapopie

in Dordogne.

Marianne, we must go Paris!

Chill, Ninja Turtle!

You're wanted.

So we're avoiding freeways and tolls.

We have to be more discreet, ok?

- We wanted?

- Yes, we wanted.

You'll get noticed,

looking like terrorists

in Care Bear suits!

We not terrorists!

Not terrorists, no!

Why flags everywhere?

It's Bastille Day.

The national holiday

to celebrate the Revolution.

They cut off the king's head.

You cut head off your Great Leader?

Celebrate a cut head every year?

It's a bit weird.

We mainly celebrate

the values born that day.

Liberty, equality and fraternity.

I have right of way!

Learn to drive, b*tch!

Come here and say that!

Come on!

Yeah, f*** off!

Go home to mommy, loser!

- Move!

- Sorry...

A**hole!

I think I begin understand...

Here, woman is like man.

I told you.

What?

Pretty village.

Very interesting.

My aunt has a house here.

No one will bother us.

And I'm starving. Aren't you?

Yes, eat!

Look how handsome they are

now they're clean!

Marianne,

you found them

at the Gay Pride parade?

Very classy!

Here's to me!

Mind out.

Truffle omelet,

escargots with parsley, foie gras

and gizzard salad.

Thanks, Nanette!

This will cheer you up

after all your troubles.

- Female scum!

- Enjoy it. Dig in.

Try with cutlery!

Forget it.

It's good.

Without the shell,

they're even better.

Better without shell.

Use cutlery!

Like this!

Listen up, people,

this wine is pure nectar.

God may have created water,

but man made St Emilion.

You're in for a treat.

Stand up, everyone.

To the mailman,

his moped

and the jerks waiting for him!

Cheers!

In the eyes!

Glass in the eyes?

Look into the other person's eyes

or it's bad luck

and you'll go to hell.

No, I go paradise.

In the eyes!

I feel overcome

by powerful feeling of harmony...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes