Waiting... Page #3

you're only gonna be hurting yourselves.

Let's think about it. If you upset the hostess,

she's not gonna seat you.

If you upset the busboys, they're not gonna

care if your table's ready.

If you upset the cooks, they're not gonna care

if your food's taking too long.

- The brain!

- Ah, sh*t!

Oh, the brain!

I think you're all

great waiters and waitresses.

And you should be able to rely on one another

when you're in the weeds.

Remember, gang. The difference between

ordinary and extraordinary

is that little extra.

All right. That's all

I have for you today.

Let's have a great shift.

Oh, uh, push the fish.

It's about to turn.

That's it.

- Dean, can I have a word with you?

- Sure.

- Have a seat, Dean.

- Thanks, Dan.

- How long you been a waiter?

- Since I was 18,

so about four years.

Wow. You don't wanna be

a waiter forever, do you?

What do you mean?

Carson got promoted to GM

over at Riverside,

so we need a new

assistant manager.

I'd like to offer

the job to you.

- Are you serious?

- Heck, yeah, I'm serious.

Now I'm not gonna lie to you.

The job comes with more responsibility,

but it offers a lot more rewards.

You get full medicaI, dentaI,

two-weeks' paid vacation,

and I might add,

a hefty pay increase.

- I do pretty well.

- CooI.

It is cooI.

And, let's not forget the power.

- Right.

- ControI.

You tell people to do things,

and they have to do it,

or they get in trouble.

I mean, you're in the driver's seat here.

Your finger's on the button.

- Think about it.

- Okay.

Well.

- Are you okay? If you're not interested-

- No, no, no.

It's not that I'm not interested,

I just-

Sorry, Dan, just a lot of things-

Can I take a little while to think about it?

Yeah. Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Take your time.

Yeah, don't rush, you know.

Talk about it next week

or something like that.

- CooI. Thanks, Dan.

- Let me ask you something.

- What's that?

- Why don't we hang out?

- Oh. Like-

- Why don't we hang out more often?

- We do at work.

- You and me.

I was thinking to myself last night,

laying in bed, going,

"Why don't Dean and I hang out?

We're practically the same guy. "

I- I-I sort of have a core group of friends.

You have your own friends and-

You know what?

You'd think I do. I don't.

- Has anyone seen Dean?

- Oh, he's in the back talking to Dan.

Yeah, you wanna know

what they're talking about?

Dan wants to make Dean

assistant f***in' manager.

- Well, did he take the job?

- I don't know. I couldn't-

He better f***in' not have.

Okay, whoa, whoa.

Hold on.

I gotta warn you. Take my car,

what do you think's gonna happen?

- Yeah, I don't really think-

- Score.

Okay.

God.

Hey, so what was that about?

Nothing important.

Just bullshit.

What?

Hey, there, folks. My name's Dean.

I'll be your waiter today.

Can get you something to drink while

you're looking at the menus?

Hi, there, guys. My name is Serena,

and I'll be taking care of you today.

Hey, there, ladies. Hi, my name is Amy,

and I'll be your waitress today.

Is there anything I can get you to drink

while you're looking at the menus?

Yeah, I want a single shot of whiskey

and a double-shot of whiskey,

and she'll have a water.

You know, what the hell?

It's our anniversary.

Why don't you bring her

a Pepsi?

You'll be taking care of us?

I like the sound of that.

I like that.

Okay, I don't mean

to be a b*tch,

but the last four times we've come here,

the food was awfuI.

Well, I apologize for

the food the last few times,

and we will certainly do our best

to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Yeah, that's what

the last waitress said.

- Can I get an extra side of blue cheese?

- Sir, yes, sir.

Right. Blue cheese

for you, stat.

- Have a good day, big guy.

- Thanks.

Assistant Manager Jackoff.

Come on, you worthless dick.

Just pee.

F***.

I'll try the other hand maybe.

Goddamn it.

I can't believe you would

do that to me.

No, that's it. Do not-

Do not call me back.

Hey. Are you okay?

I'm about this close to

swearing off men altogether.

Let me get you another drink.

All right, see what

Serena's doing right there?

- She's baiting those poor saps.

- I love Patrick Swayze.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, you kind of remind me of him.

I guarantee you they're gonna

leave her a fat tip.

Women, they're so f***in' wily.

Oh, but poor, Amy.

She's a different story.

She was D.O.A.

from the very beginning.

And by extra lemon we mean enough

for our waters and then some more.

Look at the scowI

on that woman's face.

- It's all my fault.

- That would be lovely.

- Thank you.

- Thank you so much.

- Don't worry.

- You are too kind.

She'll be lucky to get

ten percent.

I'm surprised you didn't

give those guys a lap dance.

Oh, what's that, jealousy?

- Women troubles, Amy?

- I just don't understand

what would compeI a person to be

such a b*tch to a totaI stranger.

- Maybe she was abused as a child.

- Oh, God. I f***ing hope so.

Oh, man.

You look really pissed.

- You really are an a**hole.

- Shenaniganz.

- F*** you.

- He has a shy bladder.

- So is there-

- Mitch, go in the back, check out the cooks.

I'll be there in

a few minutes, okay?

So, what do you think

of Natasha?

- I think she's illegaI.

- Yeah. I've made peace with that.

Seriously, look at her. You know

she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.

Statutory rape.

On the other hand,

maybe she is too young.

Like that's ever

stopped you before.

That is a very,

very good point.

And I'm convinced Natasha will be mine.

Thanks for the advice, buddy.

- Hey, anytime.

- Yeah.

- What's going on with you and Amy?

- What's up, Obsession?

- Shut up.

- So how long have you two been-

- Three months. Sh*t or get off the pot time.

- Yep.

- Has even hinted that he's aware of it?

- No, he's acting oblivious.

Are you gonna talk to her or hope you're never

forced to make an actuaI decision?

- I'm going with option "B".

- That's my boy.

- Have you talked to him about it?

- No. I'm playing hard to get.

Oh, but haven't you slept

with him the past five nights?

Well, not reaI hard to get.

She really is a little badass though.

And fun to hang out with. Laid back.

Maintenance fees are really low.

I like that.

Yeah, she's a cooI chick. I'd do her.

Hell, I'd probably even pay.

I would.

I don't know, man. I'm not even

thinking about Amy right now.

- Who are you thinking about?

- Chet Miller.

Come on, man!

You're wracked with regret

just because some old f***-boy

classmate graduated college?

Are you gonna take

the assistant manager job?

Wait. How the hell

do you know about that?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

You know this place.

People with the day off

already know.

Half of me is like take the job. I could

really use the money. It's a smart move.

But the other halfs like,

"Am I f***ing nuts?"

Do I really wanna

end up like Dan?

Busted.

Hey, Rocco?

It's Dan down at Shenaniganz.

Got another one for ya.

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