Waiting... Page #4

All right.

Not on my watch.

And there you go, folks.

Damn, boy. What the hell

took so long?

Well, you had

the two well-done steaks,

so it usually takes

a little while to cook.

Yeah, well, could you

get me some more ketchup?

Sure. No problem.

Nothin' sets off the flavor

of a steak like some ketchup.

And his mouth tasted

just like buttermilk.

Hey, Monty? Could you

drop off my food, please?

I can't deaI with

that b*tch anymore.

No problem.

It's go time, Mitch.

Hey, there, ladies. Amy's busy

so I thought I'd bring your food out.

But I still have

some salad left.

Oh, well, would you like me to take the food

back and bring it out in a few minutes?

Yeah, and let it dry out

under the heat lamps?

Just give me the food.

Okay. There you go.

Wait. Did that waitress

listen to a word I said?

This steak is medium rare.

I asked for it medium. And I wanted

extra gravy on my mashed potatoes.

Let me ask you something.

How hard is your job?

How intelligent do you have to be

to take a food order?

- Jesus!

- Ma'am.

Ma'am, you're absolutely right,

and I apologize.

I'm gonna get this fixed

for you right away.

Good. Now I can

finish my salad.

Okay.

Gentlemen, we have our first

officiaI bee-atch of the day.

Oh, come on, guys.

She wasn't that bad, was she?

Well, Amy, it's your table.

You decide.

She was a f***ing b*tch!

Do it.

Yo, we need to get

some f***ing hydroponics

so we can grow

our own sh*t, yo.

Hells, yes. Soon as we get the hydro,

we can run this city like the f***in' mob.

I swear, we gotta grow it, smoke it, sell it.

We'd be a f***ing pimp.

Yo, and you know the b*tches

be lovin' that sh*t.

We'll get more f***in' puss

than Busta, more than Dre,

more than f***in' Snoop Dogg.

So it's on then?

We're getting the f***ing hydro.

We're gonna run this city

like the motherfucking mob.

The first thing we do is add a little extra gravy

to the mashed potato.

Ah, that's it. Good job, buddy.

Nice one.

Followed by a thin spread

of cheese for your garlic bread.

- Some "fromunda" cheese.

- Yeah, make us proud.

Fresh from the taint.

We like this. Good.

- Up next, what we're gonna do-

- How about a little guacamole for the steak?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Come on, man. You can't be mixing

Mexican and ContinentaI.

Come on, man.

I thought you was better than that.

All right.

How about a little garlic salt?

That's what I'm talking about.

Finesse, baby!

These guys have

a deep commitment to their job.

Finally, a garnish

of alfalfa sprouts.

Adds a touch of cla-

Touch of class to any meaI.

There we go.

Oh, God.

Good stuff.

I'll pull out my motherfuckin' shotty.

Pull up like John Gotti.

I'll have the motherf***er on the carpet.

I f***ed that b*tch!

Hell, yeah, motherf***er.

We be down-

Okay, Nicholas,

Theodore. Boys.

It doesn't take ten minutes

to take out the trash.

Now, if you don't get your asses out front

and start doing some work,

I'm gonna fire you faster than you can say,

"Yo, MTV Raps. "

- Yes, sir.

- I'm sorry?

- Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir.

Hey, Rocco.

Yeah, right there.

Here you go, ma'am.

I had the chefs take

extra speciaI care of it for you.

I'm truly sorry

for the inconvenience.

You know, we should probably feeI guilty,

but she broke the cardinaI rule:

Don't f*** with people

that handle your food.

All right. How you guys doin'?

Everything prepared okay?

Could be better.

It'll do.

I'm sorry. Is there anything

I can do to make it better?

Yeah, get me an extra roll.

And bring me the check.

Sure.

No problem.

And I'm gonna sing

that b*tch a f***ing 187.

All right then, Calvin.

Just relax and start

at the beginning.

Okay.

About three months ago I just finished my shift,

and I really had to take a piss.

So, I go into the bathroom.

And I'm at the urinal,

just waiting for the flow,

minding my own business.

When I notice out of

my peripheral vision

the guy standing next to me

was looking straight at my dick.

He's just staring at it

like they're old pals.

I could practically hear

what he was thinking.

"Whoa. That's a nice dick. "

And that's it.

Since that time, I haven't been able

to use a public bathroom.

Goodness.

And the next time I tried to take a leak,

I could've sworn

the guy standing next to me was staring at me,

and I freaked.

Quit staring at my dick!

In retrospect, I think

I might've been mistaken.

What about the stall?

No, it didn't work either.

Every time I go to take a piss, I get the image

of that guy's eyes on my shank.

And then that's when

I start hearing the voices.

Voices?

I get this paranoid feeling

there are people outside the stall,

and they know I'm having

a difficult time taking a piss.

I can hear them saying,

"What's taking him so long?

Why can't he just piss

like a normaI person?

I don't hear any peel"

I'm really f***ed up.

Psychosomatic auditory

hallucinations.

Most people have to pay

for such a thing.

So what the hell should I do?

Well, first,

you need to think about how this problem

affects other parts of your personality.

- Oh.

- See, I recommend-

Oh, bro, that ain't right, man.

- Take a look at the bat wing, b*tch!

- Oh, it's so veiny.

Damn, Raddimus. Does Danielle know that

you like to go both ways? How does that work?

Sweet victory.

Good job, a**hole.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Hello, sir. My name is Monty.

This is my trainee, Mitch.

- How are you doing today?

- Oh, I'm slipping gradually into senility.

Really? Do you consider that

a good thing or a bad thing?

Well, it's a mixed bag.

It's good in the sense that

I can take walks in my underwear.

I can give small children

the middle finger.

But as long as I look happy

while I'm doing it,

people just assume I'm senile.

Yeah, so what's the bad?

Well, sometimes I give

small children the middle finger

and don't realize I'm doing it

untiI someone slaps me.

So I really am going senile.

Alzheimer's can't be all bad.

You get a chance to meet

new people every day.

- I like you, Monty.

- I like you too, sir.

I like you too, Monty.

So what could I get you

to drink?

I trust you.

You know what?

You can count on me, sir.

I don't even care if

he gives me a poor tip,

that is the coolest old man

I've met in my entire life.

- How's your table?

- Couple of hicks.

- Yikes.

- Yeah, but the check totaI's $63,

so even if they tip 15 percent

I should make 10 bucks.

You're a bastard. So far I've made

Jesus.

There you go, buddy.

It's all you.

Thanks a lot.

We'll see you next time.

How much did they leave you?

$1.91.

No f***ing way.

Excuse me, sir.

You forgot your change.

No. That's for you.

That's your tip.

Oh, no, no, no.

I insist. You take it.

You obviously need this

more than I do.

I wanna speak to your manager now, please.

This is horse sh*t.

Okay, Mitch, you see what

Dean did there?

Don't ever do that.

- What, did he stiff you?

- He might as f***ing well have.

Two bucks on a $63 check.

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