Waiting... Page #5

Oh, damn.

That is pretty shitty.

For insulting me I should get some free

gift certificates and a key chain and a hat.

Absolutely, sir. Yes.

And how about a couple of sundaes

with some nuts on 'em?

Yeah, I will have Natasha

take down all your information,

and I will make sure corporate

sends those to you.

You're gonna maiI me a sundae?

I want it now.

Get in here. You wanna explain to me

what the heck you were thinking?

Insulting a customer like that?

You're right. I know.

I know. He just-

I'm having a really bad day, Dan, and that guy

caught me at the worst possible moment.

- I'm sorry. I lost it.

- You're sorry?

I don't understand.

I've never gotten a complaint on you.

And you had to pick the day

I offer you a promotion?

I promise you it won't

happen again, okay?

Opportunity is knocking at the door.

If you don't wanna answer it, fine.

There are people who

would jump at the chance.

Calvin is chomping at the bit

for this job.

I am offering you an opportunity to take it

to the next leveI, earn more money.

I want an answer by the end

of your shift... tonight!

And Dean,

this is an exploding offer.

I don't work within

the exact boundaries of the law,

because I wasn't consulted

when the goddamn laws were made.

No, instead, nameless,

faceless politicians,

the so-called protectors of the moraI majority

decide what is right and what is wrong.

I mean, come on!

I govern my life around my own personaI code

of ethics, and I suggest you do the same.

That way if, within the constructs

of my own morality

I were to do something

that was considered illegaI, so be it.

I feeI no guilt whatsoever.

And furthermore, if I were to buckle

under the sociaI weight of the system

by adhering to laws that

I do not truly believe in,

then I would be extinguishing the very fire

of patriotism and individuality.

It's- It's so-

In a sense,

by having sex with Natasha,

I'd be preserving the rights our forefathers

fought and died for, right?

- Well, I guess-

- Bro, it was a rhetoricaI question.

Okay? So-

Oh, hey, Dean. I heard Dan yelling at you.

It was kind of crazy.

You think you're still in the running

for the assistant manager?

Did you ever just wake up and realize,

"Holy sh*t. I'm a f***ing loser. "

Yeah, man.

God, I just wanna be able to say,

"I wanna be a teacher," you know,

or a podiatrist or

a f***ing electricaI engineer.

Anything!

Just have a f***ing clue!

Hey, who has a clue, right?

Hey, I don't. Hello?

I don't know what's going on.

Hey, could you put down

the ice pick?

- Sorry you had to hear that guy yell.

- Oh, it's okay.

You shouldn't have to be

subjected to that.

You're way too sweet.

- Way too cute, too.

- Stop it. You're gonna make me blush.

Bet you drive the boys wild

at your schooI.

Maybe. I don't really like

the boys at my schooI.

No? Why?

I prefer older men.

Really? Wow.

I like a man in power.

Yeah, well, being a manager,

obviously, I know what you mean.

It takes a lot of power to command the respect

of everybody at the restaurant.

- That's true.

- Yeah.

We should go to dinner sometime

and talk about it.

I'll bring my manager card,

and we'll just eat for free.

As they say,

membership has its privileges.

What's up with you?

What are you still doing here?

Christy asked me to work for her,

so I'm working a double.

Time-out. Isn't this

your only night off this week?

Yeah.

And you're using it to work

a double-shift for Christy?

Wait. You actually have to get the p*ssy

before you can be whipped by it.

- That's right.

- You guys suck.

- Yes, we do.

- Wait. Didn't you take out Christy last night?

- Yeah, we went out last night.

- Come on, man! Details!

F*** the details. I wanna know.

Did you do it? Did you make a move?

- What do you mean?

- Don't give me that sh*t. You know.

- Did you kiss her? Rub against her skin?

- Cuddle with her? Rub her leg?

- Hold her hand?

- Nipple tweak? Anything?

- No, I'm still-

- Oh, my God!

I need more time.

- Forget it. It's over. You're f***ed.

- Not literally.

- Why? Because you won't pull the trigger.

- And you're too f***ing nice!

Why do you always say that?

I'm not-

- What happens with every girI you like?

- Nothing!

You take 'em out, you pay for everything,

and you never make a move!

Then you home, alone, to masturbate

while you cry, using your own tears-

That was once, and I was drunk

and it was Valentine's day. So back off.

Don't try to candy coat it.

All we ever do is hang out and have sex.

What are you talking about? Didn't I take you

to the movies last week, huh? Huh?

Yeah, but you kept trying

to get me to jerk you off.

What do you want?

It was a dull movie.

Yeah, but I just get the feeling

that you don't care.

I don't care?

I don't care?

When my uncle died, didn't I ask

you to be by my side at the funeraI?

Yeah, but you kept trying

to get me to jerk you off.

How many times can we have

the same exact conversation?

It's like we're stuck

in a time paradox

where neither our wisdom nor your virginity

will ever escape.

I attempt to make a move.

I get in close.

I'm there and I just get-

F***!

- You need therapy.

- Hush, now.

The way I see it, with chicks,

there's really only two possible things

that could happen.

Either they won't sleep with you,

and then there's no need to call them again,

or they do sleep with you, and then

there's no need to call them again.

This is what I don't get. How can someone

be such a complete a**hole all the time

and get as many women

as you do?

That's a good question.

- Amy! Serena! Calvin needs our help.

- No.

- No, I don't need help.

- Shh, shh.

Women like a**holes,

am I right?

- Well, I agree that you're an a**hole.

- Okay.

"A", f*** you.

"B", just answer the question.

Well, okay. Girls like a**holes,

not women.

What women are attracted to

is self-confidence.

Yes, and we absolutely

f***ing hate insecurity.

Yes! The more insecure you are

the more you ask, "Is something wrong?"

- "Is everything okay?"

- "What are you thinking about?"

"What's wrong?"

And the more you do that, Calvin,

the more it becomes

this self-fulfilling prophecy.

You just need to relax

and not worry so much. Okay?

Yeah. That makes

a lot of sense.

- I'm gonna work on it.

- Yeah. Yeah, you do that.

And by the way, take whatever advice

that she gives you with a big grain of salt.

Yeah, and take anything that he gives you

with a shot of penicillin.

Seriously, Calvin,

do yourself a favor.

Unless you're combing the playground

for middle schoolers,

don't become an a**hole

like Monty.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but haven't I been inside you?

- Oh, Monty.

- Oh, me.

You wanna brag about your sexuaI conquests,

you big stud, you?

Okay, you know what? Fine.

Let's talk about it.

Let me describe Monty's

amazing sexuaI prowess.

He'd barreI into me with that pathetic excuse

for a child's penis.

And it would end so quickly,

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