Waiting... Page #6

so abruptly,

I wouldn't even have time

to feeI any sort of

morbid, accidentaI amusement

towards his "technique,"

which was basically him

seizuring on top of me

for, oh, about 45 seconds,

while I laid there trying

not to laugh... or cry.

Ouch.

Is it any wonder why you still date girls

in high schooI?

They're the only ones left.

They don't know any better.

Okay, okay. All right.

First of all, for the record,

I always had an orgasm

when we had sex.

Secondly, everybody knows

that I'm orally fixated.

You can't deny that I played your vagina

like a violin.

Oh! As if that somehow negates the fact

that once we got past foreplay,

you turned into the little engine

that couldn't hold his load.

Oh, what the f*** ever!

If I was that bad, then why were

you at my house every night?

AII I had to do was call

and say, "Hey. I'm horny. "

And then f***ing poof!

As if by some form of slut magic

you'd appear. Now why is that?

Because at first, I really

liked spending time with you.

I thought you were a genuinely

interesting guy to be around.

Very true.

But eventually, it all wore thin.

I realized that your personality

was just one short punctuated

joke after another,

much like our sex life.

And, oh, Monty, do you remember

why we stopped dating?

Yeah, I do.

Because you were old news.

I was looking at other girls and getting bored.

Basically, that was why.

Yeah, yeah. All that.

And the fact that I dumped you.

- Wait, I thought you said you dumped-

- Shut up, Calvin.

I was just trying to let you down easy,

but this is bullshit.

We both know that you enjoyed

having sex with me.

The only reaI pleasure I ever got

from having sex with you

came from making fun of it

later with my friends.

- Tell him, Amy.

- It's true. We laughed a lot at your expense.

So you know when you're walking past

a group of people, you hear them laughing,

you sometimes get that paranoid

self-conscious feeling?

Maybe they're laughing about you

when they're really not?

Well, in your case,

they really are.

God, I love her.

Oh, hello there.

Thank you for joining our family

at Shenaniganz bar and grill.

It is our goal to maintain the absolute

highest standard in all aspects-

Hey, man.

We all had to watch it.

I'm gonna come back and get you after

the dinner rush. The tape should be done then.

CooI?

Well, I mean, I guess. I-

...of our most sacred

company policies

to ensure that you have

all the skills necessary

- to uphold our standard of excellence.

- Sh*t.

Are you ready? Well, okay.

Follow me.

All right, men.

This is it.

The time has come. Remember,

product pride. Portion consciousness.

Zero hour is upon us.

Let us seize the day!

Yeah, yeah!

Carpe deez nuts.

God, I can't wait to quit

this job!

Okay, your waiter

will be right with you.

Hi there, folks.

What can I get you to drink?

Would you like to start

with an appetizer?

Would you like a baked potato,

french fries or rice pilaf?

- Order up!

- Is everything prepared okay?

- How about some dessert?

- And here you go, folks.

I hope you enjoyed everything.

I know I did.

- F***!

- The five-second rule! The five-second rule!

One, two, three,

four, five.

A little floor spice makes everything nice.

There you go.

Damn, man. We almost had to switch

to the ten-second rule.

You green

snot-beard f*ggot!

F*** you!

- Oh, no.

- Hang on. I only have a small order.

- I have to put in an appetizer. Goddamn it.

- Chill the f*** out!

Well, hurry up.

Okay, hey, gang.

Listen up.

Let's get out there,

take care of our guests.

I know it's getting crazy,

but we can do it. We can do it.

Let's put that extra- just that little extra-

back in extraordinary.

Okay. There's no

"me" in "team. "

Yeah.

Hey, guys. Which one of these

is medium rare?

Shoot. Let's just-

Goddamn it!

Please.

Let me do it.

All right, you two, let's go.

Hurry up, or your asses

are fired!

So remember, find the solution

before there's a problem.

Now let's go take a look at our problem

back in the kitchen.

Come on, guys.

This is bull crap.

Where the hell's

my chicken sandwich?

F*** you, b*tch!

What the hell

did I do to you, Floyd?

Eat at Shenaniganz

enjoy your food

Eat at Shenaniganz

Calvin works here

Okay, that's hardly sanitary.

Hey, Dan. I have a table

that needs to-

Trying to get a feeI for the whole

manager thing. You caught me.

Do you think you could get a feeI for it outside?

I need some fresh air.

Hey, hey, Christy.

It's Calvin again. I-

Just calling again.

Just checking in or whatever.

Called before a few times.

Maybe you didn't-

I got all my bars.

So anyway, it's getting

kind of busy.

But I'm never too busy

to call you.

So call me back. You know the number.

Okay. Bye.

F***.

So is everything okay?

Is something wrong?

Are you mad?

Yeah?

Somethin' bad happens

when you become a manager.

You put on your f***in' tie, and you get

your f***in' little manager card,

and you're think you're so f***in' cooI

because you write the schedule

and tell us what to do.

When in reality, you know you're not even

worth a bit of bullshit!

Whoa, Naomi!

Relax.

Relax, woman.

I guess if you become manager, you won't

be able to date any of the waitresses.

While working here, you'll probably find some

of your fellow employees attractive.

It's okay. There's nothing

wrong with that.

But it's important

not to act on those urges.

For Shenaniganz to run like an efficient,

well-oiled machine,

it's a must that

everyone act as a team.

And when employees date each other,

unfortunately, it complicates things.

So for that reason

we strongly discourage

such relationships from forming.

- Dean, Amy, I just sat you.

- Oh, sh*t. What do we got?

Well, yours are cooI.

They look like business people.

- All right.

- What about mine?

I don't know.

They don't speak English.

- Foreigners!

- I'm sorry.

- Are you mad at me?

- No, I swear. I'm just going by the rotation.

I f***in' hate foreigners!

It's such bullshit!

Like they don't know how to tip?

Oh, they know.

Aw, yeah, they f***in' know.

All right.

It's time to show the goat.

You could cut through shoes

if you had to.

- I mean-

- What are you doing, man?

Frontline stuff. Watch this.

Watch this.

We have just been cutting things

And the cooks, they just

love it because every time-

Hey, there, folks. My name is Amy,

and I'll be taking care of you.

- Sir, what can I get for you?

- I'd like a New York strip, mid rare,

and a baked potato with

sour cream and chives only.

And- Hey. You're not

writing any of this down.

Oh. SteeI-trap.

You got the baby back ribs

with fries,

you got the Mandingo chicken with rice

and a salad with a side of blue cheese.

I respect

the lactose intolerance.

Okay. Okay, you're good.

Haley is so f***in' fine, you know I be all up

in that sh*t. Give her the bowling ball grip.

Two in the pink,

one in the stink.

You guys are so one-dimensionaI.

Well, f*** you, whitey.

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