Waiting... Page #9

- No, you know what?

I'm glad he came in.

I really am.

Yeah, he was a prick, and at first

I was so f***ing pissed off,

but it was weird.

In one second, it all just kind

of snapped into perspective.

Please, elaborate.

Did you talk to Dan?

Do you want

the assistant manager job?

No.

I quit.

What?

You know, I thought about it.

I thought a lot about it

and I know I don't wanna

wait tables anymore.

This is all temporary.

This is supposed to be

the in-between time.

If I become an assistant manager,

it's just one more step

towards permanence.

F*** that, man.

No way.

So you've really...

What did Dan say

when you told him you quit?

You're flushing a golden opportunity

down the toilet.

And just so you know,

Hot Dog,

if you do come back,

this job won't be here for you.

- I hope you're right.

- I am right!

- You're fired!

- I mean, I already quit, so-

No, you're fired!

I write the book, okay?

Here's how it went down.

You walked in-

You're fired!

All right. Then, thanks for being

so mature about this and professionaI.

I was very professionaI.

You're fired.

All right.

Get out!

Get out of my sight!

- That's harsh.

- Yeah.

He'll be cryin' himself to sleep tonight

on his cock-shaped pillow.

What are you gonna do now?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm definitely gonna do somethin'.

F*** it.

Let's go out there,

let's celebrate,

let's just get totally f***ing annihilated,

hammered-ass drunk

and then run the train

on Amy.

F***.

You really are

an a**hole, man.

So I'm told.

You're a good friend too.

Let's just keep that on the DL.

I'm all about low expectations.

What, are you

flirting with me?

Oh, by the way, CaI.

I've been thinking about

your public bathroom phobia.

- Yeah?

- I believe I have a solution.

Really? What is it?

- Tell me what to do.

- Okay, but first,

close your eyes.

Close my- Okay.

Now...

envision yourself

at a bathroom urinaI.

With everybody you know

crowded around you.

They're cheering you on.

They're chanting your name.

Not only do they

want you to urinate,

they wanna see it.

- Proud of you, buddy!

- Hell, yeah!

- F***in' piss, man!

- We believe in you!

You can do it!

You pissing son of a b*tch!

Now, see yourself

urinating, Calvin.

You can do itl

Do itl

Do it.

It's historicl

So, go ahead and visuaI that

for the next few weeks.

Start off at home first,

by yourself.

Then you can move to a stall,

and then eventually

to an actuaI urinaI.

Thanks, Bishop. I mean it.

That totally makes sense.

Look, well, you guys,

I'm feelin' good.

You know what? I'm gonna go talk

to one of those high schooI girls.

- Well, good luck with that.

- Thank you.

So, what grade are you in?

Oh, look at that.

A bedroom.

No.

What? What do you mean?

You start playing this weird, ambivalence

bullshit, and it makes me feeI psycho.

And I never get psycho!

I know.

So I need you

to do me a favor.

I need you to not be

such a p*ssy.

Wow, there's the sass

that I was missin'.

- You're a flake.

- I know I'm a flake!

- F*** you!

- You can't even get a boner.

Whoa, sorry to interrupt.

Wait. Hey, Bishop.

I created my own

penis-showing game.

So you quit your job.

How'd you know I quit?

Wow.

Are you okay?

Is somethin' wrong?

Just checking.

Wait. Wait, wait.

What?

You turn 18

next Wednesday, right?

Yeah.

Okay, then-

Why don't we make this

a "to be continued...

untiI next Wednesday"?

Why? Do you think

I'm gonna turn you in?

- You think you're going to get arrested?

- No, no, no.

I just- I feeI like

I don't wanna be-

taking ad-

- Let's just wait the week.

- Okay.

Okay.

But if anybody asks,

anybody at all,

I f***ed you.

Twice!

So, Mitch, how was

your first day?

Well?

Well, it was-

I remember my first day.

What a doozy, huh?

Bishop, you're gonna love this.

I was so nervous I dropped

this bowI of soup on a nun.

Hey, turn down

the music for a minute.

- Hey, would you turn down the music?

- Dude, chill.

Would you turn down the f***ing music

for a minute! Jesus!

This is f***ing bullshit!

I have been here all goddamned day

and you haven't let me say one thing!

None of you!

- Well, damn, Mitch, I-

- Oh, no, a**hole!

You shut the f*** up now.

It's my turn to talk!

You're all f***ed in the head!

All of you! I mean you-

Change your f***in' tampon and have

another drink you crazy, f***in' b*tch!

And you! "I don't know

what to be when I grow up!"

Join the f***in' army

or something!

Goddamn!

Oh, and you!

You know what?

You're too easy.

And you.

F*** you, Monty!

Always gotta be right,

with your little quips!

We get it, man.

You're f***in' edgy and cooI. Yeah!

You're the coolest f***in' guy

at Shenaniganz!

That's like being the smartest kid

with Down syndrome!

Oh, and, oh, yeah.

Why aren't you in jaiI?

I mean,

what are you, like 13, 14?

She's almost 18.

You know what?

F*** this!

You all suck. I quit.

Oh, yeah.

There is one more thing.

You.

You are the biggest piece of sh*t

in this entire restaurant.

And I hope you burn in hell.

Me? What the f***

did I do to you, man?

Seriously?

Oh, sh*t!

The goat!

The goat, you bastard!

F***in' faggots.

That was the sh*t!

Mitch! Mitch!

Stop, please.

Look, look.

Stop, stop.

Okay, I am sorry,

and I hereby swear

my undying allegiance to you.

You are the f***ing man.

Now, come back to the party.

Please?

I swear to God, I'll never

underestimate you again.

- All right.

- Okay.

All right.

Dean, you've been replaced.

F***!

All right, everybody,

listen up.

From here on out,

Mitch is a made man.

Anyone who has anything different to say,

Nick and T-Dog will f***ing f*** you!

Let's talk about that T-Dog

one more time!

Shut up!

What's that?

Don't do that!

Yo, man, yo! Yo!

Beer run, man.

Why the hell

would you do that?

- He's a f***ing manager.

- Well, he asked, so, I-

You lost major cooI points

for this.

What the hell

are you doing here?

Yo! What you doin'?

- What's up? How you doin'?

- Those look heavy.

No, I think you can make it.

- A**hole.

- Shenaniganz.

You bring my goddamn

gift certificates?

Is... Natasha... here?

Okay. Yeah. They got me.

All right. Okay.

You- One week!

When you're struggling

Livin' off Ramen noodles

I'm in my Lexus

Finger-bangin'poodles

You call me a busboy

I'll bust you three times

Slice you three times

Slice you three limes

And make you squeeze 'em

on your own cuts

And, b*tch, you best give thanks

before you eat my nuts

Yeah, who's that motherf***er

throwing pot in the ground

These b*tches used to clown me

Now they surround me

My mom tries to ground me

I'm gonna slap her

I'll f***in' cap her

Don't she know I'm a rapper

I don't care about love

F*** amore

F*** the dumb whore-ay

All day

And then suck my dick

all in its glory

Swallow my nut

This sh*t is gourmet

I'm hor-nay but you

f***in' sluts bore me

So f*** you, b*tch

I'll f*** your mama

Then I'll kill your papa

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