Waiting For Guffman Page #5

is really big,

and, uh, i don't

truthfully think

that the cast understand

how big.

Um, they don't know

the new york thing.

They haven't been

through it, and i have.

You know, so it is kind of

on my shoulders,

and... going to the big apple

for the first time,

you know, is...

such an experience.

You never forget it.

It stays with you

for your whole life.

Me, you know,

right out of the navy,

you know,

fresh off a destroyer,

uh, with a dance belt and a tube

of chapstick, basically.

You know, not really much

to call my own.

And then basically

being slammed down

for 10 or so years,

you know,

off off off off broadway,

and then enough is enough,

ok? I get the joke.

And... is that gonna happen

again? I don't know.

I mean, and i don't want it

to happen again.

In my deepest,

deepest of hearts,

i do not want it

to happen again.

Mr. Guffman brings with him...

a reputation,

something bigger than anyone

in this town has ever known,

and if i am to get back

to new york city

on my terms,

i cannot deliver him...

a stinky product.

I really have to be

presenting him a package.

A beautifully wrapped,

glossy, sweet-smelling show.

What i need from you...

because you're the bosses

of the town, essentially,

and i know that...

is...

this is so hard.

I mean, there's nothing

easy about this.

This is like when you're

getting your legs waxed,

and they whip that thing off

real fast.

That's what this is like.

I need more money.

How much do you need?

Steve's right. How much

are you thinking of, now?

Ok.

What i need...

is 100,000.

Oh, brother!

Corky!

He is good.

He is.

And let me explain,

let me explain

what...

go ahead.

Oh, man, my heart stopped

for a second there.

He started going "money"

and the whole guffman thing.

Let me just explain

really what that entails.

I bought it all the way,

by the way.

He's not joking.

He's serious, glenn.

He's... he's not kidding?

Corky,

our entire budget

for the entire year

is $15,000 for everything,

and that includes

swimming.

Well, i don't have any

swimming in my show.

No, no. I mean the pool.

We have to keep up the pool.

That's everything.

The entire year is 15,000.

Look, you're a nice fella

and all, glad you're here,

but if i may be blunt...

what's wrong with you?

I mean...

So what i'm

understanding here,

correct me if i'm wrong,

is that you're not

giving me any money.

So now i'm left

basically with nothing.

I'm left with zero,

in which... in which...

what can i do with zero?

You know, what can I...

i can't do anything with it.

This is my life here

we're talking about.

We're not just talking about,

you know, something else.

We're talking about

my life, you know?

And it's forcing me to do

something i don't want to do...

to leave,

to... to go out

and just leave and go home

and say...

make a clean cut here

and say, "no, way, corky.

You're not putting up

with these people."

And i'll tell you why

i can't put up with you people.

Because

you're bastard people.

That's what you are.

You're just bastard people,

and i'm going home,

and i'm gonna...

i'm gonna bite my pillow

is what i'm gonna do!

What do you

use on your skin?

Vaseline.

Petroleum jelly

on your skin? Yeah.

You are getting away

with murder, libby.

You're young and it's ok,

but have i told you...

libby, i have

an announcement.

I have to talk to you.

Excuse me, libby.

I have to talk to you.

I'm gonna round us up.

Hold on. Gee.

Dr. Pearl.

Morning.

Good morning.

We have an announcement.

We have to talk. Ok?

Gather around, please.

Gather around.

Libby! Sheila.

Excuse me, ron.

Thank you. Dr. Pearl.

Please be quiet.

I have an announcement.

We've got to listen up here.

Excuse me, are we

gonna be vocalizing?

We will be vocalizing.

Before we start, i'd

like to clear my throat.

Yes, we'll be doing...

we'll be vocalizing.

We'll be doing a lot of...

excuse me, please!

Everybody, let's be serious now

just for a moment,

and let's all listen up, ok?

Corky has left the show,

and i am taking over.

And what i want to do today

is start with some music,

do dancing,

and work on our lines.

And my hope is

at the end of 5 days,

we will know

what we're doing...

what do you mean?

And we will have a show.

Corky's left?

You mean he's left

for today or permanently?

Corky has quit the show,

and it's my show.

Corky!

Cork!

Corky!

Here, you go up.

Boy, i only

do that twice a day,

that's good exercise.

You know,

most athletic injuries...

is he not answering?

Corky,

we love you!

Corky, open up!

Corky!

Corky, we love you!

We want you to live!

There may be

something wrong.

Try the door.

Is the door unlocked?

He wants to be

alone right now.

I'd never forgive myself

if something was wrong.

Just shut up! Just shut up!

Jesus christ!

Freaks!

Freaky people, my god!

I know

how he feels, too!

Guess i can just go back

to the dairy queen, you know.

They said

they'd take me back.

I always have a place

at the dairy queen.

You got to stop crying.

She hasn't cried

this much

since the day we got

married. Honestly.

You know,

this is wonderful.

Why didn't i react like this

when i was playing football

for the blaine panthers

and our quarterback

went down with

a dislocated knee?

I should have said,

"time-out!"

'Cause you're strong, ron,

you're strong.

You're just a big brick!

Let's delay the game,

and my lip would tremble,

and i see we have

an injured quarterback.

Let's give up. No.

You know what we did?

We brought in the

second-string quarterback.

When he went down,

we brought in the

third-string quarterback,

and we went out,

and we whipped the pants

off of harry truman

high school,

and next week, went out

and mopped the floor

with blessed, uh,

heart of mary.

And they went on to win

the state championship.

To tell you

the truth,

i haven't even

thought about it.

Not for a... not for a second

have i even dwelled on the fact

that the show's over.

I don't, uh, i don't, uh,

think about it.

L... i try not

to think about it,

and therefore,

i, you know, don't,

because it's

a very healthy way

to deal with something

that is ultimately

not that important

in the long run.

It's not... not, uh,

not important at all,

you know, for me.

I'm just so sad for corky,

you know, i mean...

i think these

creative people,

they're real emotional,

and, um...

i think the important thing

about show-biz people

is that you got to have

a-another life.

And I... i know, you know, uh,

he's... he's got a wife.

I guess she's out of town.

Um... because i haven't

seen her.

I've never seen her,

so, you know,

that could be the problem.

You know, maybe she's

just not supportive.

Corky, without you,

there's no show.

Without the show,

there's no celebration.

Without celebration,

there's no blaine.

So you see how

it's a domino effect.

You know how dominoes

do that.

Without blaine,

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