Waiting For Guffman Page #6

i got news for you,

there's no missouri.

Blaine is the heart

of missouri.

What happens if missouri

goes down? You tell me.

We need the magic back

in the show, is what we need,

and it ain't gonna

happen with lloyd.

Lloyd is a music teacher,

and he shops at walmart.

He doesn't even

support the town.

The person who needs

you the most...

is blaine fabin.

Hear, hear.

And i'm not just saying that

because i am a fabin.

Ok, ok.

I'm saying that

because i just know

that nobody

can touch, um...

that whole...

thing.

That whole thing, hmm?

You could

take a nickel,

and you could make it

into a million dollars,

because this man is a genius,

and we cannot lose that.

Look what you did withbarefoot

when you came to this town.

Did you have

any budget then?

You didn't have

$100,000 then,

and look what happened

to that show.

And what aboutbackdraft?

You took a little bit

of cellophane,

and you made it

into flames!

You can still

feel the heat.

You know what?

You're not wrong.

We need you

to take your magic wand...

and wave it and make

this town special again,

is what we need.

Will you do it?

Come on back, cork.

Please.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Yay!

Thank you.

Yay!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Please! Oh!

Whoo!

All right,

thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ok, let's pretend that

it never happened, ok?

And let's just jump

intocovered wagons.

All right? Let's start

from the dance part.

Covered wagons!

Whoo!

Waah!

In a funny way,

what the city council did

was really give me

a challenge,

and it's a challenge

that i am going to accept.

It's like in the olden days

and the days in france

when men would slap each other

with their gloves,

and say, you know,

"d'artagnan, you know,

how dare you talk

to me like that, you!"

And smack 'im.

Stool boom

From the parlor

to the pool room

We're the center

of a stool boom

?

Everyone knows our name?

Working, making

Never stopping,

never sleeping

Working, building

Some for selling,

some for keeping

You will drool

At the splendor

of these magic stools

It's the rule

Everyone has a stool

Just 3 legs

It's the thing

for which a monarch begs

Hock your jewels

I did want to mention

one thing.

Mm-hmm?

Specs?

i think it's

a little problem.

Oh, oh, oh.

My glasses.

You're saying...

i don't think

you should wear them.

Don't wear them

in the show?

It's mostly in

covered wagons,

because i think

that's the one

where it's just not

as believable.

Of course, when you get

further up in time,

historically, it's...

i can see

a couple of problems.

Nothing major. Nothing

that we can't solve.

One, um...

contrary

to public opinion,

i don't see very well

without my glasses,

so i'm thinking is that

going to be a problem

for me... just look out.

And the other thing

which is also a problem

is i have a very lazy eye

which these prescription

glasses help correct.

Wo

Blue sky, blue sea

Blue grass, blue tree

Red as the fire

in our hearts

That makes

this country strong

Red as the fire

in our hearts

That helps us

sing this song

Getting off the horse

is not a problem.

I can get off

the horse like that,

but where

i'm having a problem

is that sometimes

the horse comes out

and i can't

get past the cow.

So i have to kind of

do this when i come out.

"Gather round,

for i have news."

I don't know which

is more lifelike,

the horse

or dr. Pearl.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

You.

Corky?

Here's the phone.

It's johnny.

I feel

like a hero...

hello?

Yeah?

What do you mean?

Then we back up.

But i've been waiting

for you to turn around...

What are you saying?

Shh!

I understand that.

No, i understand.

Believe me,

i do understand.

What can you do is

just say absolutely not!

Do you understand that?

I don't believe that.

No, i'm sorry.

I do not accept that.

That is not an answer, no.

It's absolutely unacceptable

that you would say this now.

Not today! No!

And that's the way it is?

Then i just hate you!

And i hate your ass face!

What's up?

Oh, corky.

Johnny's not in the show.

His dad said he has

to go back to work.

What does he think

this is, school,

that he can be marked

absent one day?

This is the day

of the show, y'all.

Oh, my god.

Just... just...

This is

very strange.

Ron, just... just let me think

for a second, all right?

I've just got

to take a breath here

and... and try to figure

this out, all right?

It's tight.

That hurts.

If you could hike

it up a little bit

you'd get more room.

I am pulling them up.

Sort of trying to commit

to one side here, dear.

This is johnny's costume,

and johnny is a lot...

he's a different

body type than you are.

This is... i don't...

i'm worried...

i'm about

i understand.

Wo Actors,

we're at 15 minutes.

Oh, my god!

Aah!

We're at 15.

No, we gotta move now.

Come on.

You're gonna have

to help me here.

Ok, ok.

Help me here!

I'm so nervous.

You're gonna be great.

If there's an empty space,

just say a line.

That's what i like to do.

Even if it's

from another show.

Agnes, where's

the lilac dress?

You mean

the purple one?

Yes. Where is it?

Honey, i told you to lay off

the hot fudge sundaes.

I couldn't let

the seams out.

It's not here?

Not it is not.

Hello, sweetheart.

Oh, i destroyed

my makeup!

Mmm. Hark!

A rider approaches!

Oh, god!

It's all right.

Just... careful.

I hope that

isn't too hot.

No, no, it's just fine.

May i remind you, please?

No glasses for

the first number.

Oh, no, no, no, I...

actors?

We're at places.

Have a good show everybody!

Break a leg!

Don't worry about anything

'cause it's gonna all roll...

he's not here.

He's not here.

What?

Not here? Guffman?

Should we lower

the curtain?

Corky!

Everybody, look, look,

i've been through this

a million times.

These new york types

like to come late.

Believe me. I've never seen

one of them come on time

in all my years

in the theater.

Take a deep breath...

blow it out.

He's gonna be here.

Let's just do a good show, ok?

Everybody do a good show.

Hands in the middle.

Wwwwwhoa!

Oh, howdy.

Eh, didn't see you

sneak up on me there.

But if you like,

you're welcome to share

my campfire with me.

I was just fixing

to get me some grub.

Beans.

mmm.

I love beans.

Big, fat, hot juicy beans.

Now, don't get me

going on beans

or i'll be jabberir away

till the sun comes up.

But, you know,

now that i've got your ear,

there is a story i wouldn't

mind sharing with you.

It's a tall tale

that grows taller

with each passing year.

It's the story of blaine.

Well, we've traveled

long and far today.

We must let the women

and children rest.

Don't you rest on our account,

daniel potter.

We women are just as strong

and resilient as you men.

Ha ha ha!

I do believe you are,

rebecca.

I do believe you are.

California will be a sight

for these weary eyes.

Mine as well,

rebecca, mine as well.

But right now we need

a campfire to warm our souls

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