Waking Up in Reno Page #3

would do anything

to save a buck.

[Horn blares]

[Fanfare plays]

- Isn't that pretty?

- Oh, no.

Wait, Lonnie Earl.

Let me get your picture.

- My Lord.

- One more.

Okay. You ready?

Get closer to the meat.

Whoo!

I'm sorry.

That is the ass end of a rhino.

This is no bigger

than a Papa Burger at A& W.

- Easily handleable, all right?

- [Laughs]

That hunk of meat's bigger

than our cat.

You're gonna be sick is

what's gonna happen.

No. I got a plan.

You just take your time.

Breeze through it.

Eat this other sh*t afterward.

Push it through.

See what I'm sayin'?

Go with the flow.

That kind of deal.

- You're gonna be sick.

- Oh, shut up, Darlene.

Look at all this meat I get,

and I get paid to eat it.

RO Y:
You're gonna be ridin'

that porcelain pony.

Are you gonna go?

- First bite. I'm ready.

- There you go.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, could I

have your attention, please?

This is Mr. Lonnie Earl Dodd

from Millsberg,

and he's gonna try to eat

this 72-ounce steak dinner.

Go, Lonnie Earl.

He has one hour

to eat 72 ounces of meat,

salad, shrimp cocktail,

baked potato, and bread.

If you'd like to look

at this steak,

come over and take a look,

but don't ask

too many questions.

He only has an hour

to do this in.

Let's give Lonnie Earl

a little round of encouragement.

[Cheers and applause]

[Swing music plays]

[Music continues]

Okay... he's got 45 seconds.

Everybody give him a hand.

He's gonna make it.

[Cheers and applause]

RO Y:
Lonnie Earl Dodd! Whoo!

"Big Texan Steak Ranch 72-ounce

Steak Club achievement award."

CAND Y:

To Lonnie Earl Dodd.

I saw.

That's free

and you get 50 bucks?

Mm-hmm.

So good.

Can I take a bite of yours?

If I can have your cherry.

Sure you can, honey.

There you go.

RO Y:
I can't eat

this whole dang thing.

Of course you can, Roy.

CAND Y:

Well, I'll help you.

I knew you would, baby.

It's not like Lonnie Earl

will help you.

[Laughter]

Lonnie Earl...

[Chuckles]

Lonnie Earl, look at this.

I would like to present you

with a gift.

CAND Y:

Come on, Lonnie Earl!

RO Y:
I just want to

see you puke.

CAND Y:
Quit it.

RO Y:
Oh, he's fakin'!

It's not funny, Lonnie Earl.

What is it, honey?

- You want another one?

- Whoa.

Oh, my God.

Get that bucket.

Honey...

Hold on!

Lonnie Earl, put your arms up!

Get your hands off

of him, homo!

DARLENE:

Don't fuss, Candy.

You want to throw up,

Lonnie Earl?

Can you breathe?

Oh, my God.

I think he's dyin'!

Lonnie Earl, don't die!

RO Y:
Oh, he just needs

another beer.

[Burp echoing]

Hey, Julio. What's up?

Hey, Julio. What's up?

I brought something over

for you and your father.

I really want us to be

good friends and good neighbors.

Let me take a look.

That's some good food, man.

I fix it myself, you know.

I ain't eatin'

none of that Mafungus.

[Laughter on TV]

WOMAN:

You've got to take it easy.

And y'all make sure

that he drinks plenty of fluids.

[Both laughing]

SANFORD:
Spare ribs

and mustard greens.

So have a great rest

of your trip,

and take good care of

yourself, and don't forget this.

- Oh, no. Hey, thanks.

- Yeah. Take care of yourself.

- I will.

- Hi, hon. You all better?

Like y'all would give a sh*t.

Well, he just wanted me

to check in with you,

'cause, you know, doc,

he don't trust nobody else,

especially some snot-nosed

little Texas doctor

who ain't too long off the tit.

[Toilet flushes]

But listen, while I got you...

what about them tests

I had done?

Uh-huh. Okay.

Okay, I will bet one for you.

The doc says that if you're

still feelin' puny tomorrow,

you're supposed to mix

a bunch of meat tenderizer

in some water and drink it,

and you'll be fine.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine.

Plus I'm $50 richer, right?

[Laughs]

And a hospital bill later.

Oh, listen.

If Bill Moore gives me sh*t

about this bet,

you're my witness, right?

Damn straight.

Okay.

I know the boy.

What was that you were talkin'

to Doc Tuley about...

about some tests or somethin'?

Nothin'.

Just insurance crap

where they make you pee

in a bottle all the time

every time you turn around.

[Sniffs]

But are you goin' swimmin'

or not?

I don't think so.

I'll just sink

like a cat in a bag.

You know what I think

I'm gonna do?

Go over the souvenir shop

and tease that rattlesnake.

[Laughs]

That's a good idea.

Besides that, Darlene's gonna be

back in a little bit.

She won't ever sneak in

no hotel pool.

Well, sometimes

when people are away from home,

they do things

they might not normally do.

[Hinges squeak, doors rattle]

Yeah, I wish.

[Crickets chirping]

All clear.

I can't believe I'm doin' this.

This is classy!

Somethin' we're not used to.

God help us.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Oh, it's cold.

Oh!

- Get in, Dar.

- Whoo.

[Both laugh]

- Whoo!

- Oh!

Get away from me!

Whoo!

What do you weigh,

about 98 pounds wet?

Shut up, Dar.

You got a great body.

You just cover it up

all the time.

Whatever.

Are you happy, Dar?

I guess.

Why wouldn't I be?

Oh... I don't know.

I mean...

things just don't seem right

between you two lately.

I mean, I always believed

you two were meant

for each other, you know?

Like Burt and Loni.

Well, not like them, because

they ain't married no more.

But like... Elvis and Priscilla.

Well, you know what I mean.

Is there something you know

that I don't?

No! No, no, no.

No, Dar. No.

I don't know anything.

[Voice breaking] I just care

about you guys so much,

and especially you, Dar,

because you're my best friend.

Oh, honey...

And... can't a friend try

to help a friend?

Yeah, but, oh, honey,

don't cry.

Come here, silly.

Damn wine coolers got me

all emotional.

[Hinges squeak, gate rattles]

[Lmitating Tarzan]

Aah-ah-aah!

Oh!

Oh, dang.

That hurt like hell.

[Chuckles]

- Candy?

- Mm-hmm?

Do you love Roy?

[Chuckles] Well...

I don't think

I ever got the chance

to fall in love with Roy.

[Chuckles]

I guess it was more like

nature took its own course.

Next thing I knew...

Roy was workin' for daddy

and we was married.

Like there wasn't any middle...

just then and now.

Oh, sh*t.

What's wrong, Mark Spitz?

You seem a little out of shape.

[Roy groans]

Them 12-ounce curls are...

kinda takin' their toll.

[Candy laughs]

Oh. [Grunts]

I gotta go pee.

I'm gonna go back to the hotel.

- I gotta go pee.

- Darlin'...

I'm goin' back to the hotel.

Darlin', just pee in the pool.

I do it all the time.

Oh, gross, Roy.

You coming, Dar?

I think I'll swim a little.

This was a pretty good idea

after all.

See you guys up there.

See ya.

Whoo!

[Exhales deeply]

- [Coughs]

- Feels good.

[Sighs]

[Breathing heavily]

What you doin', Roy?

I've got you

a little somethin'.

Oh, Roy, you didn't have to.

I know,

but a lady like you should have

anything she wants.

DARLENE:
Gettin' to New Mexico,

I was so excited.

The Grand Canyon was

just a day away.

RO Y:
You know,

what I'm lookin' forward to

is that Robosaurus

smashin' them cars.

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