Waking Up in Reno Page #4

That is gonna be somethin'.

Robo what?

What on Earth is that?

That's a 10-story machine

that squashes things...

basically a car dealer's

nightmare.

DARLENE:
What a thrill.

[Thud, bottles rattling]

- Armadillo.

- You'd think

them son of b*tches would learn

to stay out of the road.

- You ever see one alive?

- [Laughs]

Well, I'll be damned.

97. 1 degrees.

I think I'm ovulatin'.

97. 1 is what that library book

said to look for.

Whoa.

LONNIE EARL:

Maybe it's just the heat.

97. 1, Lonnie Earl.

That's below normal temperature.

She's probably too close

to the window.

My window's up, and according to

this thermometer,

farmer Roy needs to plant

his seed right now.

Come on, baby.

Pull over.

No, we ain't stoppin'

at no motel. Not right now.

We just got back on schedule,

and I ain't gettin' off.

Who said anything

about a motel?

[Candy moaning pleasurably,

suspension squeaking]

You do realize that

my schedule's gone to hell.

Freezin'-ass cold out here,

and we're waitin'

on the damn carnival.

You're the one who wanted to go

on vacation in January.

You know what I told you

about July prices.

I can't pay that kind of money.

[Sniffs]

[Both moaning pleasurably]

CAND Y:
Oh... Oh, baby!

[Woman laughing]

It's like we're travelin'

with a damn high-school

biology experiment or somethin'.

[Candy moans pleasurably]

What the hell is he doin'

to her?

Something pretty good, I'd say.

Well, it's pissin' me off.

Okay, that's it. I'm gonna put

a stop to this sh*t.

Good Lord. You're makin'

a bigger scene than they are.

[Laughter]

All right. [Knocks]

Oh.

That'll be plenty.

- What?

- Come on. We're leavin'.

[Applause]

Mission accomplished, sir.

There goes the new-car smell.

RO Y:
You look kinda uptight,

Lonnie Earl.

You want me to drive?

Hell, no.

I'm the driver.

Just get us a couple

of beers. I'll be fine.

- Hey, hon?

- Hmm?

Can you grab us a couple beers

without spillin'

any of them tadpoles?

I sure can, sugar kitten.

[Bottles rattling]

Thank you.

[Bottles rattling]

I'm glad we stopped here.

You know what?

They got a sign

over that toilet

says they got the cleanest

bathrooms along all of I-40.

If we stay in Kingman tonight,

we'll be back on my schedule.

But we were gonna stop

at the Grand Canyon tonight

and get up

and look at it tomorrow.

But we can't do that now because

our travelin' sex show here

has put us behind schedule.

Then why did we stop here?

Because we had to eat, honey,

and this fits in, okay?

The Grand Canyon's just

a big ol' hole in the ground.

You can look out the window and

see a big hole in the ground.

That ain't the same.

I think it'd be nice

to see it.

I wouldn't mind ridin'

one of them jackasses

down in that sucker.

That'd... be...

Damn it, that's the one thing

I wanted to do on this trip.

I told you I wanted to see it

since second grade

when Mrs. Beechner told us

about it.

She said everyone thought

God rested on the seventh day,

but really he was

workin' on his hobby,

carvin' the Grand Canyon.

Well, that's sweet,

but if you remember,

Mrs. Beechner also kept

her sh*t in a shoebox.

Remember that?

So I don't know if that's

the greatest authority

in the world, you know?

Let's go.

[Bottles rattling]

[Crickets chirping]

[Candy moaning pleasurably]

Good God. That girl's gonna wake

the dead in there.

[Moaning continues]

If this sh*t's gonna happen

every time she reaches

a certain temperature,

I'm gonna get madder

than a wet hen.

Why does it bother you so much?

It's for a good cause.

It's just that they take

so damn long.

And they don't even think

about us.

The least he could do is

tiger-f*** her.

You know I don't like

that talk.

Just get up behind her,

bite her on the neck,

in and out, and it's done.

Sh*t.

How romantic.

What would you know

about romance?

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm just...

Well, look, face it...

when's the last time we did it?

That's not romance.

If that's all you care about,

then just go ahead

and do it with someone else.

Is this about the Grand Canyon?

No, it's not.

Good grief.

Well, then, what's it about?

Why don't you talk to me?

I'm your husband.

You can talk to me.

Honey, listen,

this is hard on me, too.

Honey, for the last

couple of years,

every time I try

something with you,

you got some damn excuse.

You don't know how it feels.

And besides that,

I'm about to explode.

I am.

Tell the truth... is it me?

No.

It's me.

Well, what are we gonna do

about that?

Well, I said...

maybe we could see that woman

in Little Rock.

I ain't goin' to no

shrink-b*tch Dr. Ruth woman

that's gonna make us

sit there and charge me

an arm and a leg and a nut

to say the sh*t

that we can say to each other

right here and now.

But she might not let you say

somethin' like you just said.

What did I say?

Well, if you can't

hear yourself,

then how are you gonna

hear me, huh?

This dang bed sags

in the middle.

We're all gonna be windin'

up layin' in a puddle.

It sure as hell ain't

no Serta Perfect Sleeper.

Would y'all quit bitchin'?

The bed's fine.

RO Y:

Good night, John boy.

LONNIE EARL:
Kiss my ass.

[Laughter]

[Farts]

DARLENE:
Oh, my God.

- That's awful!

- [Laughter]

[Laughing] Oh, Roy!

That's disgusting!

[Laughter continues]

RO Y:

Smell it and weep!

[Laughter]

[Introduction

to "Hang On Sloopy" plays]

Hez, now, Sloopz

Sloopz hang on

Sloopz lives

in a verz bad part of town

Bad part of town...

["Higher Ground" plays]

- People...

- People...

- Keep on turnin'

- Keep on... turnin'

"Turnin"'?

Or is it "yearnin"'?

- Teachers...

- Teachers.

Teachers.

- Keep on teachin'

- Keep on teachin'

- Yeah!

- [Laughter]

Lovers...

- Keep on lovin'!

- [Slot machine clangs]

Keep on lovin'

- Yeah.

- All right.

Now, that's songwriting.

Believers...

Keep on believin'.

Keep on believin'

Whoo!

[Laughter]

Sleepers...

CAND Y:

Keep on sleepin'.

- Just stop sleepin', zeah

- Oh! [Laughs]

'Cause it won't be too long

- It won't be?

- It won't be too long.

- Won't be...

- Oh, no

I'm so glad

that he let me trz it again

'Cause mz last time on Earth

I lived a whole world of sin

I'm so glad that I know more

than I knew then

Gonna keep on trzin'

Till I reach

mz highest ground

Whoo

Till I reach

mz highest ground

Oh, no

No one's gonna

bring me down

Oh, no

Till I reach

mz highest ground

Oh, my God.

Tony Orlando's here!

[Lonnie Earl sighs]

Oh, Tony Orlando's here!

We gotta go to see him!

Whoa. Do you reckon

he split up with Dawn?

Well, hon, we'll have to see

if we got time.

I mean, you know...

- We gotta make time.

- I said we'd see.

I never stayed overnight

in a city this big before.

I'd sure hate

to get lost here.

Now, don't get

all nerved up, honey.

We're gonna have a good time.

It's just like back home.

There's just a lot more of it.

[Gasps]

I'll be dogged.

- This is the Shamrock suite.

- See that?

Whoa.

Oh, honey!

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