Waking Up in Reno Page #5

I knew this would be the

perfect place to get remarried!

Roy, I knew it, baby!

RO Y:
I'll carry you over

the threshold, baby.

[Breathing heavily]

Both bedrooms have

their own private entrance.

Look at that tub!

That's like a swimmin' pool!

Oh, my God!

Oh, Roy,

it's like we're here, baby!

We're actually here!

Mmm. This is romantic.

Look at that.

This door leads

to the adjoining bedroom.

Oh, my God!

We're neighbors!

Oh, Candy,

you gotta see this view.

Oh, wow!

We have the same over there!

Okay!

Take a picture of me.

Lay like a supermodel, okay?

I don't look

like Cindy Crawford.

I could take some pictures.

That's okay.

Give me some pouty lips.

Y'all, check it out.

Check it out.

Hugh Hefner,

international playboy.

Show me your ta-tas

in cloth of terry.

Hey, do we get to keep

these things?

I've been known to look

the other way.

Whoa! All right!

[Country music plays]

Lonnie Earl... thank you, man.

Oh, my God!

It's Shania Twain!

How cool is that?

She's so goddamn hot!

... Mine, anz man of mine

- Whoo!

- Whoo!

Goddamn champagne.

Anz man of mine

better disagree

When I saz another woman's

lookin' better than me

Whoa.

Hey, y'all.

They got 24-hour room service.

You mean you can get anything

you want anytime you want?

BELLHOP:
Yes, sir.

Anytime you want. Just dial 49.

Darlene, who am I?

I need a man who knows...

I guess you won't need

any Pabst.

No. That'll last me

about an hour and a half.

... Breathtakin',

earthquakin' kind

Here's your curtain remote

and your key.

All righty.

- Thank you.

- All right.

If there's nothing else,

I'll be going.

Of course,

the chocolates are free.

Ching, ching.

[Laughs]

- I'm gonna go, then.

- Okay.

While I got you here, I just

want to ask you one question.

I understand that the hookers

in Nevada are free.

Is that right?

Legal.

- Not free?

- No.

- Okay.

- All right.

Like I said, I'm on my way out.

Got the luggage, right?

Unpacked it.

Got the explanation

of the menu.

That's it. Okay.

I'm gonna go.

I'll be at

the bell captain's station

if you need anything else.

Oh, okay. I get ya.

You want your dollar.

Here. Here you go.

Wow. Okay.

CAND Y:
Whoo!

Straight to the casino.

Unless you wanted change.

Shimmz, shake

Make the Earth quake

Kick, turn, stomp, stomp

And then zou jump!

[Men grunting]

If I get to go to Tony Orlando,

should I wear my hair up

or down?

Hmm. Let me see.

[Thud, telephone rattles]

- You know what?

- What?

What I think would be great is

if you put it like this.

Yeah.

RO Y:
Get over here,

you son of a b*tch.

Jesus H. Christ.

[Men grunting]

What is it with you

and Tony Orlando, anyway?

Oh, he's always been like

my guardian angel.

[Glass breaking]

You see,

when I was in fifth grade,

I caught Jeff Martin

cheatin' on me,

and my mama knew

I was depressed,

so she let me spend the night

at Deanna Stewart's house

to watch the Jerry Lewis

telethon.

Anyway, they were up to

about $8 million in donations

when out walked this dark,

handsome man with a mustache

and a smile that could

light up all of Branson.

And I just knew

he was somethin' special.

[Men grunting]

LONNIE EARL:
Ow! Sh*t!

I had something like that

for Chuck Woolery one time.

- Anyway, when he sang...

- [Grunting continues]

B O TH:
Knock three times

on the ceiling

If zou want me

It was like he was singin' it

right to me,

like he knew...

I needed to hear it right then.

[Rumbling, grunting continue]

And he's had a special place

in my heart ever since.

Oh... that's so sweet.

[Chuckles]

[Thud]

LONNIE EARL:

Okay, I've had enough.

You know what I think we need?

- What?

- Some serious pink lips.

[Both laugh]

I'm gonna go and get

my pink lipstick, okay?

- [Glass breaking]

- [Gasps]

You okay?

[Exhales sharply]

Yeah, I think I'm fine.

I just...

I got up too quick, maybe.

Well, I'll get it.

You sure

you're feelin' okay, hon?

'Cause you are lookin'

a little peakin'.

I'm gonna be fine.

I'm just gonna sit in here

for a little bit.

[Water splashing]

Can I do somethin'?

No. I probably just drank

too much.

You go on down.

I'll meet up with you later.

Well...

Hey, let's sh*t

or get off the pot, guys.

I thought we was goin'

downstairs.

What's the deal here?

Y'all go on.

We'll catch up with you later.

You know what

we ought to do, baby?

After while, you and me take

one of them bubble baths.

Well, you know better than that.

I don't take bubble baths.

Of course you don't.

I forgot.

Well, you know, that tub is

big enough for all of us.

Oh, great, Roy.

Just jump on the bandwagon,

you dumb-ass.

[Laughs]

Yeah, I am dumb.

You guys definitely make me

clear of that on a daily basis.

Dumb, dumb-ass, dumb sh*t,

dipshit, shithead, sh*t hole,

sh*t-for-brains...

- Dildo.

- Dildo.

You know, would it

be possible to have

a "Let's Not Pick on Roy" day?

[Sighs]

Let's go downstairs.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

[Sighs]

[Door closes]

- Darlene?

- Mm-hmm?

What do you mean,

you don't take bubble baths?

Gives my pooter an infection

that stings worse

than a swarm of bees.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

Honey, I wasn't born yesterday.

I know something's wrong.

And you can talk to me.

You know that.

Don't start that again.

Darlene, I'm your best friend.

I know.

Just drop it.

I know you mean well, hon,

but just... stop.

[Door closes]

Okay.

["Sussudio" plays]

[Indistinct conversations]

I don't know about this.

These things look a little bit

too much like a sinus infection.

I tell you what.

They say they are

one hell of an aphrodiliac.

[Laughs]

[Spanish accent]

Aphrodisiac.

Oh.

[Laughing]

Oh, dear.

[Laughs]

Thank you, ma'am.

Actually, they're

Mother Nature's Viagra.

[Laughs]

Roy, don't be

such a damn idgit, okay?

You made us look stupid.

Everybody knows

what that word is.

Oh, if she called me

I'd be there

I'd come runnin'

Ain't bad.

Hey, bud, can we get

a couple of Pabsts?

Mm-hmm.

Slippery.

... Feel so good

if I just saz the word

And bring him a shot, too,

would you?

Some kind of whiskey.

Well, you need you a shot.

I had 140 beers.

[Chuckles]

But...

I do have too much blood

in my alcohol content.

See there?

Just tryin' to help you

cut the...

whatever those things are.

[Sighs]

God knows I don't need

any of 'em.

Su- Sussudio

Oh, you mean you and Dar?

Oh, oh, oh

I think it's just a phase

you guys are going through.

Oh, it's more than a phase.

It's way past a phase.

It's a lot more serious

than you might think.

You know, you're always gonna

be together.

You've always worked it out.

You will now.

Well, I've given that

a lot of thought lately,

to tell you the truth.

Not that that's what I want,

you know?

But she just don't get it.

I don't know.

A man's got needs, you know?

Well, everybody's got needs.

Don't be goin' out

and thinkin' about gettin'

no nooky on the side.

[Laughs]

Who said I was thinkin'

about that?

Darlene's a great lady.

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