Watermelon Man Page #8

and a hell

of a good bowler, too.

of course they

always make him

bowl on the far lane.

kind of downwind,

so to speak.

[chuckling]

i'm not kidding.

? love ?

? that's america ?

? open arms

for every creature ?

? love ?

? open arms ?

? that's america ?

? for every man ?

? love ?

? that's america ?

? joy and peace

and harmony ?

? love! ?

? that's america ?

? billions of lives ?

? love! ?

? love ?

? that's america ?

? yes, love,

that's america ?

? love! ?

? that's america ?

? lonely but fallin' ?

? love! ?

? that's america ?

? the old eagle

wearin' a grin ?

? love! ?

? that's america ?

? the bald eagle ??

jeff, you know our neighbors.

well, the vigilantes.

i've got the coffee on.

(jeff)

well, then, what can i do

for you gentlemen?

jeff, we may as well

get right to the point.

everybody else does.

we feel your presence

in the neighborhood

can undermine

the value of our homes,

and we're concerned.

(jeff)

yes, i've gotten a couple

of your phone calls.

oh, that wasn't us, jeff.

shut up, fred.

as nicely

as we can put it, jeff,

we'd like you to move out,

before it becomes

common knowledge

that there's a negro family

in the area.

is that as nicely

as you can put it?

we're concerned.

oh, perfectly understandable.

especially since i've

taken the spot announcements

on radio.

and wait until

you see the skywriting.

we're prepared to offer

a very fair deal.

walter has the figures.

walter?

your house is

worth about $40,000

on the open market.

$37,000.

well, give or take--

$12 as soon as the word

gets out that i'm a n*gger.

we represent

a group of people, jeff.

and we have the backing

of 3 local banks.

so we're prepared

to offer you $50,000.

oh, i do declare that sure

am a great pile of money.

we'll sell your house

to a good family and absorb

the loss among ourselves.

[chuckles]

oh, my goodness!

50,000 samoleans!

heavens to uncle remus.

but i can't accept it.

we're prepared to pay it

right now. tonight.

oh, i know you're

prepared to pay it.

but i'm not prepared

to accept it.

i mean, uh,

me and my family,

we've looked forward

to living here

all our lives.

we like it here.

all those

friendly phone calls,

and at any time

a nice rock can come

crashing through the window

to remind us that people

are still thinking of us.

$60,000.

that's as high as we can go.

oh, come on,

try harder! $75,000.

all right,

$75,000, but that's as--

you see that?

you went higher.

now try $80,000.

$75,000.

oh, come on,

i'll make more than that

from my watermelon patch

in just one year.

not to mention the admission

from the revival meeting.

$80,000.

[chuckling]

now try $90,000.

unless

of course you don't mind

the smell of fried chicken

and ham bones

just wafting through

your lovely neighborhood.

$90,000.

oh, that sure

am a lot of money.

but i like something

with a--a more, uh,

naughts to it.

you know,

somethin' a bit rounder,

somethin' with more naught

you know, zeroes.

$100,000. and that's as high

as we're authorized to go.

you turn it down,

we're not responsible.

well, i'll take it.

i'll take it.

where do i sign?

you'll find

everything in order.

as you know, walter's

an officer with the bank.

it's all pretty standard,

if you care to read it over.

i think

this is the best thing

for everybody all around.

oh, i think so, too.

i was going

to sell this house.

i think the neighborhood's

a bit too jewish.

well, good night, jeff.

good luck.

it's nothing personal.

oh, it never is.

if it was personal,

well, i'd feel real bad.

good night, jeff.

you have 2 weeks.

look, if you have any trouble,

and need to store your stuff,

please call my secretary.

she'll give you

the necessary assistance.

good night, jeff.

you've gotten

a very good deal.

perhaps--perhaps

it'll make us seem

less villainous in your eyes.

good night, jeff.

villainous? don't be silly.

i know who my friends are.

and the next nice

neighborhood i move into,

you guys'll get

first crack at me.

[laughing]

$100,000!

all i got to do

is turn white.

boy,

would their faces be red.

you took advantage of them

because you're colored.

how's that?

those people

were our friends.

what should have i done,

given them a discount?

pushing your way,

just pushing, pushing,

pushing.

is that the answer?

they wanted us

out of the neighborhood.

where do you get that "us"?

you, not us!

would you repeat that again?

i don't think

i heard that right.

it's very confusing.

forgive me.

there's been a great deal

of pressure on me lately.

i mean,

just answering the phone...

well, i haven't been

exactly winning any

popularity contests myself!

well, it's different with you.

you weren't liked

before this happened.

i was liked!

everybody liked me.

everybody.

i hate to tell you this,

but you're supposed to

be on my side!

the marriage contract said,

"till death do us part."

it said that in

black and white, i believe.

when we got married,

i had no idea

it was going to be

an interracial thing,

you never told me.

well, i just got wind

of it myself.

if i had known

what was gonna happen,

i would have put

an escape clause

in your marriage contract!

"if my husband

becomes a negro,

all bets are off."

how dare you be

sarcastic with me?

i'm the one

who was compromised.

oh, i'm not angry.

how could i be angry?

i have a $100,000 suntan!

and why do you

insist on being negro?

i don't insist.

i accept it.

what would you have me do,

dye my hair

and insist i'm white?

you know what i'd look like

with blonde hair, althea?

like a grilled

cheese sandwich.

negro humor

always escaped me.

well,

we're learning

a lot about each other,

aren't we?

yes, we are.

what happened to

the flaming liberal

i married?

i'm still liberal.

but to a point.

i'm sorry, baby.

[sighing]

i didn't realize

you were under

as much pressure as me.

let's forget it tonight.

because tonight,

it's wednesday.

it's wednesday.

and i love you.

no, it's tuesday.

it's wednesday.

i'm sorry, jeff.

i have to get my bearings.

it won't be wednesday

until--until

i get my bearings.

i-i-i'm going

to go to sleep.

ok.

jeff, i sent the kids

to my sister's.

your sister lives

in indianapolis.

they'll be there by morning.

margaret said

she'd meet the train.

i'm sorry, but i wanted them

away from all this,

if and when

the newspapers find out.

? where are the children? ?

? where are the children? ??

[moaning]

you were not disappointment.

you were wonderful.

thank you very much.

[coughing]

in norway

we have very few negroes.

oh, well, uh,

i'll tell my buddies, uh...

then you'll have

a lot of them

in no time at all.

negroes have

beautiful bodies.

yeah, well, uh,

i've been workin' out.

and when all

those black muscles

all work together

to make love,

it is so very marvelous.

yeah, well,

they all work together.

you know, we--we're note

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