We Love You Page #3

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keep on coming.

Converse likes Noah's treasure hunt.

They want to hear more.

So in the next couple weeks,

we're gonna do a formal pitch.

I'd like to do the pitch.

With Ford.

Okay, you guys got it.

Oh, uh, and in other pieces

of news,

as of last night,

Marta and I

are officially engaged.

So I think a little celebration

is in order,

so everyone please

join us for cake.

All right.

It's Marta, not Martha.

They're both good names.

This is like barf-a.

You must be so psyched

to get married.

It's a blessed union.

Yeah, but I mean more so

for the, you know,

getting to have sex

for the first time thing.

And then hopefully

a lot more times after that.

Oh, well, I won't lie;

I'm a hot-blooded male too.

But as you know, I have

a strong religious center.

Otherwise,

I'm just like you.

Well, let me recommend

some slow jams,

you know, so you can

bump and grind and

ah, ah, ah.

Tell me about this new girl.

Well, it's only been

a few dates so far.

I don't want to, you know,

say too much.

You've literally said nothing.

Oh, well, I think

that may be for the best.

I... I get so nervous

talking about her.

I mean, and my hands

get sweaty.

- Feel them.

- I believe you.

Yeah. I don't know.

She's really cool.

She's, like, creative...

like, very creative...

but in, like,

a really nonpretentious way.

Yeah, of course.

She's very hot.

And she's actually

pretty smart.

And she's dating you?

I know.

Right?

I'm, like, totally smitten,

but I got to be careful

about it,

because I think she is maybe

seeing another guy.

Well, we haven't discussed

the whole exclusivity thing

at this point.

She said she's open

to just dating one person.

Don't have that conversation.

- No?

- No.

Exclusivity.

So I don't know.

I mean, I don't... I don't want

to sound too confident,

but I think there's, like,

a 50/50 chance

that guy could be me.

50/50, yeah.

Not to worry.

That wasn't too confident.

I think you're good.

Yo.

So I heard you

telling Derrick

this girl of yours

likes whiskey?

Mine too.

What else about yours?

Uh, well, she is

pretty bad-ass.

Oh, trust me, mine is

the definition of bad-ass.

And she knows how

to make me laugh.

She's so funny.

Ooh, mine too.

But get this.

Mine rides horses.

Okay, mine rides horses.

But she doesn't know how

to ride a bike.

Mine had a tiny Chihuahua

when she was little named J.Lo.

J.Lo.

Yeah, um, mine did too.

Mine's 5 feet...

7 inches tall?

- Takes...

- Boxing classes.

- Eats...

- Chili lime chips.

- Wears...

- Adorable red sneakers.

What is happening to us?

Noah?

Look, this is gonna hurt,

but one of us

has to stop seeing her.

Dude, come on.

You know a girl like this

is not coming along

in either of our lives

ever again.

Maybe.

But she came into

both of our lives

at the same time.

Yeah.

All right, you know what?

Let's be fair.

Both of us

have to stop seeing her.

It's the only way

we'll survive this, Noah.

I...

Okay, fine, sure.

I'll do it first.

What's up?

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Um, I have to...

I don't really know

how to say this.

- I'm sorry.

- Okay.

- Great.

- What?

My friend bailed on me.

We were supposed to go mushroom

hunting, and now she can't make it.

Excuse me. What?

Mushroom hunting?

I mean, we go hunting

for mushrooms,

and we eat them.

You're amazing.

- Noah.

- Hmm?

Would you want to go with me?

I... I do love mushrooms.

It's pretty cool.

Well, I mean, I can...

there's a...

Please, yes.

I would love to.

Here you go, sir.

Callie?

I'm breaking up with you.

Me and Noah just...

you know, we can't...

we can't keep...

Oh, my.

I'm screwed.

Okay, so what happened?

You didn't break it off.

I didn't break it off.

Noah, it was hard.

I know!

It's impossible!

She's sexy

and loves mushroom hunting.

Ugh, it's like someone

invented the perfect girl

just to torture us.

You didn't break it off.

No, of course

I didn't break it off!

I'm mortal!

Okay.

All right, look.

What if I said

I had an idea?

Now, it's gonna sound

completely crazy, but just...

Nope, I'm not flipping

a coin for her.

No!

Can we both agree

that if we stop dating her,

some inferior jerk

who doesn't deserve her

is gonna swoop in

and start dating her anyway?

Yes.

You know

what happens then, Noah?

- Uh...

- We both lose.

- Right.

- But what if...

we don't stop dating her?

I'm sorry.

I'm not following.

We share her.

- What?

- We joint-date her.

It'll all be aboveboard.

Let's back up.

I think that is literally...

and I mean this

without exaggeration...

the worst idea

I've ever heard.

And we work in advertising.

- Is it, though?

- Yeah.

- But is it?

- Yes!

I mean, she's gonna end up

liking one of us more,

probably you, and this...

oh, man, this whole thing

is way too weird.

- It's not that weird.

- It's that weird.

People date more than

one person all the time.

The difference is

they're not honest about it.

We're best friends;

we'll be so honest.

Yeah, I'll just tell her,

"Honestly, Callie,

"Ford and I are best friends,

which is why we are gonna

double-team you."

- Yeah!

- What?

That's actually

the perfect situation.

What do guys complain about most in

a relationship? Not enough space.

What do girls complain about?

Not enough attention.

This way, we'll get

double the space.

She'll get double the beef.

She might be into it.

She's not like other girls.

She's from Venezuela.

That doesn't mean anything!

Everything about this

is absurd.

The point is,

I don't want to lose her.

Yeah, I don't want

to lose her.

Sh*t!

Venezuela.

Yeah, I heard you

the first time.

Okay.

Okay, look.

Ah!

I'll do this

but on one condition.

I stop using

your work computer for porn.

That would be a good idea,

but also if she dumps

one of us,

then the other person

has to break it off.

It's all or nothing.

You won't regret this.

Yeah, I won't regret this.

Of course

I'm gonna regret this.

We're gonna... -

dude, don't dance like that.

You know we're gonna

freak her out.

Nothing about this is good.

God, I hate him.

Noah, just be cool.

No, I'm being cool.

Look, dude,

we got to get out of here.

She's gonna come any minute.

- I can't...

- She's coming.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Noah?

Yeah.

- Have a seat.

- Oh.

Funny story.

We actually found out

about each other.

Really?

We're actually best friends.

That's weird.

Well, it's about

to get weirder.

We have a proposal. Noah and

I havea lot of fun with you.

And you have a lot of fun

with us, right?

- Yeah.

- We all have fun.

So why should that

have to stop?

- I'm not following.

- All right, Callie, look.

Noah and I individually

are not that amazing.

Wait, no.

Guys, you are amazing.

Trust me on this one.

We're not.

But together...

oh, together,

we become, like,

this perfect boyfriend.

Like a boyfriend Voltron.

It's a show from the '80s.

It's... never mind.

Callie, Noah isn't about to jump out

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