Welcome to Mooseport Page #4

It's deader than Nixon down here.

I'd be happy to roll up my sleeves

and come up there if you want.

I'm running against my plumber.

Something I don't know?

You watching FOX news?

The results are quite interesting.

The poll is preliminary, but it does

show Harrison with surprising strength.

There's an eight-percent margin

of error and it's still early...

... but it looks to be very close.

Seems to me the president's got himself

in a bit of a horse race.

Eagle, you with me?

Don't you mean, "moose race"?

Eagle!

- There she is.

- That's her right there.

Miss Mannis? Are you Dr. Sally Mannis?

- Yeah.

- A question about Handy Harrison.

You've been seeing Mr. Harrison

for six years?

- And now you're dating the president?

- No.

I'm not dating the president.

It's one date.

I'm not even sure you'd call it a date.

Wouldn't call it a date.

What would you call it?

A couple more questions.

When did he ask you out?

- Have you and the president had sex yet?

- For God's sakes.

Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Think about it, Handy.

For our mayor, we could have

the president of the United States.

- What are you trying to do to us?

- You know he's gonna win.

- Drop out, you bastard!

- Thank you, Reuben.

And you better keep an eye

on your speedometer, Harrison.

Handy! Handy!

Handy! Handy!

What's this? Come on.

What's going on?

What's it look like?

You're campaigning.

Hey, guys. Come on.

Hey, Handy. Do you like it?

That's... Yeah.

Guys, thank you.

And the moose hat and everything.

But, Irma, we discussed this.

I'm not campaigning. I'm not.

- What?

- Do you care about Sally or not?

Look, her going out with him

is just a casual...

Call it postmenopausal intuition...

...but just my opinion...

...lose this election, lose Sally.

It won't go anywhere.

He's, like, 20 years older than me.

- He's the president.

- So?

Power takes 10 years off a man, Handy.

Rich, another 10.

By the time you figure he's in great

shape and you're not...

...he's younger than you are.

So you want to campaign or not?

"Better shape. "

I know I can kick your ass.

Up and running.

So how do we kick this off, Bert?

Top priority, obviously,

is to keep him presidential.

Just pound these moose worshipers...

...with what his unbelievable experience

can bring to them.

If they think about it

for half a second...

...Harrison can't bring even a fraction

of what he brings. Whatever he is.

And what exactly is he?

Preliminary research says...

...that he is something that actually

we've never faced before, Mr. President.

- And that is...?

- He's a genuinely honest man, sir.

Oh, come on, Grace. All that means

is he's never run for public office.

What do you got, Bert?

FBI, CIA, nothing.

But this turned up in the local paper.

And that's it?

That's it. We're running against

the pie-eating champ.

And think about this:

He runs for mayor, but only

when he thinks he's unopposed.

He dates the same woman for six years,

but he never pops the question.

What's wrong with this picture?

He won't take risks.

He won't make a commitment.

Any man who won't make a commitment

shouldn't be mayor of anything.

- That's good. How do we get that out?

- Whisper campaign at first.

Then radio.

Eventually we'll have to have TV spots.

Shouldn't get too expensive, but...

Sir, I'm sure you don't wanna hear this.

But would the easiest thing be...?

Should we discuss a withdrawal?

Withdrawal?

Grace, he's the Eagle.

Eagle Cole has never run away

from anything in his life!

- Not to mention the effect on finances.

- Finances?

Book deals, corporate boards,

library fundraising.

You quit or lose to a plumber...

...we can kiss the deals goodbye

before you say Roto-Rooter.

This is not about Mooseport.

It's about winning.

It's about spending 3 million dollars

to protect 20.

Maybe I should commit

to that speaking tour.

L... I, uh...

I had to cancel that, sir.

You what?

It seemed obvious. It was right

in the middle of the campaign and...

That was millions of dollars.

Well, sir, there is still that offer

from the Soova Motors people.

The ex-president of the United States

can't do car commercials.

But have you seen the car? Look.

It's snappy styling, snappy president.

- And smooth handling...

- Bullard.

...leather interior.

- Bullard, get out.

- Get out. Get out.

- I'll handle the money, Eagle.

I'm sure that with the library pledges,

something will turn up.

May I stay now, sir?

Go in the corner, out of my eyeline.

Thank you, sir.

- I can still see you.

- Yes, sir.

What about the girl? What about this

Sally-Handy, Sally-Eagle wank-off?

He'll have to cancel the date.

Whoa, no, he can't cancel the date.

You said it, Bert.

The Eagle doesn't back down.

You clear up what I didn't know

and when I didn't know it, I'll be fine.

- Should I draft a press release?

- Yeah.

Oh! Oh, no. No.

Call the press, have them over here

in the morning.

And then get Handy Harrison

here to fix the toilet.

You see where I'm going with this?

I see it, Mr. President. I'm on it.

Let's get to work.

He's coming in.

Let's go. Let's go. Move on through.

- Oh, boy.

- Looks like an ambush.

Oh, boy.

Folks, I need a word with Mr. Harrison.

- Morning, Handy.

- Morning, Mr. President.

- You got toilet trouble, right?

- Yeah.

Handy, I want to make it clear

that when I asked Miss Mannis out...

...I had no idea that you two

had a relationship.

And though I find it reprehensible for a

man to interfere in an ongoing romance...

Me too.

I also believe that a woman's heart

is hers and hers alone to give.

Yeah. That's a good point.

So I asked Sally out in ignorance

and she agreed to go.

And until she tells me to stand down...

...I intend to see her. Fair?

Call him a horndog.

Did she say "a horndog?"

Well...

...if it's okay with you, sir,

I'd like to chew on that a bit.

Okay, you chew on that...

...and if you find you can't swallow it,

I'll give you the Heimlich maneuver.

Come and fix these toilets.

- So are we going to see a date?

- I don't know what you'll see.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

- I feel great. Do we have any ice cream?

- Absolutely, sir.

And I think we found a way to solve

your money problems.

- Really?

- Yes.

- Voil.

- That's it?

Nothing to it. You save 3 million

dollars and look: Still beautiful.

Excellent. Excellent.

Don't even miss it.

- Everybody, let's get back to work.

- Right away, sir.

Son of a b*tch.

Sally!

Plunger, you stay off of the couch.

Hello?

Hey. Hey, it's me. What's up?

What are you doing? Want to go do

something? See a movie?

You know I have plans tonight.

That's right.

That's right.

I forgot tonight's your date with

the president of the United States.

You see this?

"Local vet finds romance

with past president. "

Where'd they get that picture?

Well, there it is next to

the president on the front page.

So, what about later? I mean, you know,

he must go to bed at 8:30. Right?

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