What Did You Do in the War, Daddy? Page #4

A partisan.

Lost four brothers fighting the Nazis.

-The nurse!

-Nurse?

-Oh, Lionel! Oh, help me!

-Yes, sir.

-Oh, my little choo-choo.

-Choo-choo!

Choo-choo, yes. Her little choo-choo.

That's an idiomatic Italian colloquialism,

meaning her ''poor wounded war hero.''

-Well, this has gone far enough!

-It has, sir?

-Right. Order an air strike!

-An airstrike?

but we can certainly give you

air support, Lieutenant!

We'll level this bloody town!

-Looks like they've got you, Major.

-Me? What do you mean, me?

Well, you're obviously the ranking officer.

and decided to take you prisoner.

-Listen, isn't there something...

You'd better watch it, Major.

He looks like a mean one to me.

Down! Down!

Down! Down!

Just take it easy now, Major.

They'll probably hold you prisoner in town.

In town. Let's go, you!

Don't worry about a thing, Major.

We'll try to take care of it.

Hey, you, shut up your mouth!

Outside! Let's go!

-Sergeant, don't do anything foolish.

-Oh? For instance?

Hey, you, get into the jeep.

No, Lumpe, for heaven's sake, not now!

Come on!

Benedetto! Benedetto! Benedetto!

I've reached the bank!

Are you sure?

I've checked the map a hundred times.

We are directly beneath the vault.

All the live long day

You cannot get away

In compliance with the codes of war,

having exhausted all available resources,

and in the face of overwhelming...

Excuse me.

...odds, we are compelled to surrender.

Lieutenant.

Hey, Lieutenant, hold it! Let me get

a good picture. Nice smile, that's it!

All right, fall in!

Lionel!

Gina! Gina!

The surrender is off!

-Oh, come on, Oppo...

-And you shut up, snake!

Now I know why you stay with me

in the bathtub!

Whats the matter with you? No!

The eyes of Texas are upon you

All right, all right, gentlemen, let's go

rescue our glorious leader from the ducks!

-Hello.

-Hello, Captain Cash.

Come on. Come on. Up, up! Here we go!

Get a hold of him. Take it easy.

Are you all right? Are you all right?

Oh, easy now. Right, yes.

-What are you doing? Get out...

-Come on.

-Where is Potty?

-Who?

Potty! The major from Intelligence,

that I wish to speak with immediately!

The catacombs!

A man gets in there and he is lost...

...Iost forever.An endless, hopeless maze!

-But there didn't

used to be a hole there.

No.

Remember, keep your mouth shut!

What I told you was cosmic secret, right?

Lieutenant, relax.

I wouldn't give Pott the time of day!

What have you done with the salami?

What?

I ate it.

Oppo! Now, look, be reasonable.

Now, we're in a hell of a lot of trouble.

You steal my Gina, I steal you Potty!

-Steal my what?

-His Potty.

Yes, Potty. Major Potty.

And if I tell him the truth about

what happened last night...

-Oppo, that's blackmail!

-It is blackmail!

Then you go!

Take a squad of men

and go find Major Pott!

Watch out, now! Glasses!

Sergeant Rizzo, please, don't do that!

Here are those recon photos

from Valerno, sir!

Let's have them.

Holy cow! ''Minor resistance,'' hell,

they're fighting hand-to-hand

in the streets!

What?

Wait a minute! Major what? Major who?

Major Pott of G-2.

Pott came here during the festival?

-No. No, no,just relax. Relax.

-During the festival? Oh, no!

-Come here, now. Lie down.

-Come here. Relax.

-Come on. There we go.

-Yes, I have to lie down.

Oh, Christian, what about Pott?

Don't pause like that.

Now just keep talking.

I get very nervous when you pause.

Keep talking.

Well, first of all, you fell down the stairs.

Check. I fell down the stairs.

-Dead drunk.

-I fell down the stairs dead drunk?

Harriet! My cousin Harriet!

-Major Pott, you idiot!

-No, no, no,just...

Oh, good! Good boy!

See, if you can't trust your own lieutenant,

who can you trust?

But then, when he told me

to order the air strike...

-Strike where? Strike where? Strike here?

-No, no, it's all right. I took care of it.

-You took care of it?

-I took care of it my way.

-Your way?

-I gave him to the Italians.

-Gave him to the... Who?

-Major Pott.

You gave Pott to the Italians?

Well, no, no, not really.

Actually, it was Needleman and Rizzo.

Rizzo and Needleman gave Pott away?

Well, they were dressed

in Italian uniforms, see?

-When we went down...

-In Italian uniforms?

-Yes.

-How could you... What's he saying?

Look, what I'm trying to say is

that the Italians won their uniforms

-in a poker game the night before.

-They won their uniforms in poker?

They won their uniforms in poker?

What are you...

-Relax. Relax.

-I am relaxed!

You see, Pott thinks that Needleman

and Rizzo are Oppo's men.

Christian, what did you do with Pott?

-Well, we put him in jail, and then...

-You put...

I'm going... I'm going crazy!

I'm going crazy! What...

Get out of town, filthy imperialist!

John Wayne!

What's going on? What's wrong?

What have I done?

-Oh, who the hell

knows, Captain?

It's them! It's them!

Look at them! Its them!

-What's with him?

-What's not with me? Major Pott!

-Who said he's in jail?

-Oh, you mean, he isn't?

-He escaped.

-My whole life just passed in front of me.

I can't find him for beans.

Yeah, down in some tunnels

under the town.

Catacombs or something.

Oppo said that's a maze.

-Guys get lost in there for weeks.

-Oh, don't be an idiot. They die.

-Hold his head.Are you all right, Captain?

I'm all right.

I'm all right. Yes.

I could hardly let Pott just go ahead

and order an air strike,

and I wasn't about to tell him that

we captured the Italians yesterday,

and we gave them a little night off...

Captain, would you stop that?

-What?

-That humming!

So! This is how you keep order

in my village, Captain Cash?

Riot and disorder! Leave town! Get out!

-Papa!

-Get out!

My daughter! My daughter!

You drunken swine!

How can you dare to debauch

my innocent daughter?

Lieutenant Christian,

you're sitting on my bed.

I just want to finish my explanation.

Oh, good.

I was hoping there might be more.

Well, you see, the reason

we had to get rid of Major Pott

was because pretty soon

Oppo was going to surrender.

It was all set up.

Oppo promised to keep his mouth shut,

about the festival, I mean.

Then you fell off the balcony

in your underwear.

On purpose?

Oh, come on, Captain,

get with it, will you?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you.

-Did Oppo surrender?

-No, no, he didn't surrender.

-Then he saw Gina practically nude.

-Nude!

Oh, Lionel, I am so sorry,

my little choo-choo,

but I must go now.

Bye.

So, that's when we found out

that Pott was missing.

-Then we had the fight.

-Who?

-Everyone.

-Oh, that's only fair.

-Then the recon plane flew over.

-And they were taking our pictures?

Will we be in the papers?

Lieutenant!

Captain, message from General Bolt.

''Your gallantry has inspired us all.

''Impossible to send reinforcements.

Keep fighting.

''Our hopes and prayers are with you.''

Boy, I gotta get out of here!

I can't spend the whole night in this place.

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