What Happens In Vegas... Page #7

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she got for him. Bag of weed!

- Her idea!

- Really?

- She's on fire!

- Wow.

On fire.

Well, thanks again.

Stripper! Hiya!

- I so want to junkpunch that guy.

- What's with you and junkpunching?

- Joy?

- Hi!

I'm so glad you could make it.

Hey, sweetie.

- Hi! This is my girlfriend, Tipper.

- Hi, Tipper. Judy.

- Thanks for calling.

- Where's Jack?

He's over there,

coaching the Little League.

Do you know what it's like

to fall on the floor?

And cry your guts out till you got no more

Come on, sweetheart.

I want my new daughter-in-law

- to meet the whole family.

- Smile!

One, two, three,

- Rockets!

- Rockets!

Who wants sugar? Let's go!

What is this, like a five-foot hoagie?

- Hi!

- Hi.

This is my niece, and BFF,

the great Sammy Sosa.

Sammy, this is your Aunt Joy.

- Nice to meet you, Sammy.

- Hi, Joy.

I didn't know you coached Little League.

Oh, there's a lot of things you don't know

about me. Isn't that right?

Jack wore a little fedora

and a leather jacket to school

every day for six months.

Who wouldn't want to be Indiana Jones?

I agree completely. I mean,

Raiders of the Lost Ark may be

the greatest movie ever made.

- I don't think I like what's going on here.

- What, are we bonding now?

She doesn't seem so bad, Uncle Jack.

I think you guys should just

split the money and stay married.

Make a hundred pretty babies.

You told her?

Yeah, I don't have secrets from Sammy.

I tell her everything.

Hey man now you're really living

Well I just saw the sun rise over the hill

Never used to give me much of a thrill

But hey man now you're really living

Well, ladies, I believe

this is where we go our separate ways.

Thank you.

People sing

Do you know what it's like

to fall on the floor?

And cry your guts out till you got no more

Hey man now you're really living

Joy!

Mason.

- What are you doing here?

- I was just visiting some friends.

- In Brooklyn?

- Well, yeah. Yeah.

Brooklyn. The B.K. Love it here.

Yeah, they're artists. Yeah.

Hey, you want to go grab a glass of vino?

Maybe chat up for a bit?

I can't right now. Sorry.

- Okay, all right. Well, maybe next week.

- I have my retreat.

Wow!

You seem fine.

No, I mean, you look great.

Doesn't she look great? You look great.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

I... Yeah.

- I gotta go.

- Yeah, me, too. Me, too.

- All right, well, maybe some other time.

- Yeah.

Good seeing you.

Good bumping into you like that. Weird.

Take care.

- Oh, my God. You're falling for her.

- What?

- You're falling for your wife! You idiot!

- What are you talking about?

- She's a wily temptress.

- "A wily temptress."

- Yes!

- You just said "wily temptress."

Yes, I did, because that is what she is.

And what do wily temptresses do, Jack?

They tempt in a wily fashion.

And then they play you.

Tempt, play, tempt, play.

And she's playing you, my friend.

Don't let her play you

out of what is rightfully yours.

Keep your eyes on the prize, Jack!

Eyes on the prize.

Hey, McNally.

What'd you do, take the weekend off?

- Oh...

- Have fun?

No, I remember when I didn't care

about my career, either.

I'm sorry, I just had this thing

this weekend with my husband's family...

Your husband? You got married?

Well, thanks for the invite.

I didn't even know you had a boyfriend.

Yeah, no, I'm married.

I didn't tell you that?

No, you didn't.

I guess you're not a big sharer.

Now, listen, Joy,

I've been in this business for a long time.

And the thing that I value most

in my employees is honesty.

So I'm gonna be honest with you.

Right now, you and Chong are tied.

Now, Chonger is bringing her husband

to the retreat.

- I think you should bring yours, too.

- He will be there.

- You can count on it, sir.

- Good.

So let me get this straight.

She asked you

to come to a retreat for her job.

Yeah.

The most important thing

to her in the world.

Do you believe that? I was like, "No!"

'Cause I'm like... I'm like,

"Hey, what are you still doing here?"

Jack! You have got

to get your ass down there,

pretend to be the perfect husband,

charm them all, and then,

when you have them eating

out of the palm of your hand,

you make her sign this.

- What's this?

- This is a document, okay,

relinquishing all the rights to the money.

Right? You tell her if she doesn't sign it,

you're gonna out her in front of everybody.

Yeah.

I mean, that's not, you know...

It's not pretty, but we can...

I can laminate it.

- I don't know.

- Okay, look, Jack, the hearing's in a week.

Okay? This is our last shot.

- Hey, McNally.

- Mr. Banger.

So, where's this husband of yours?

I just met Chonger's husband.

He's a very smart guy.

He's a tool, but he's smart.

He's...

So the spaceman says,

"I don't even have a vagina!"

He's there!

I'll just take this to him.

Mr. Banger, I just wanted

to take this moment

to express to you my gratitude.

I'll be seeing you at the...

The dining table.

- Hey, hey!

- Hey.

I'm so glad to see you.

Muffin, I've been looking

everywhere for you.

This is why everyone

should have their wife on LoJack.

Let me introduce you to my friends.

This is David Young, your CFO.

Mr. Young. An honor. Hi.

And this is the rest of your board, actually.

Great people. Wealthy people.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

So you're the lucky guy.

- Hi. Jack Fuller.

- I'm Richard Banger.

You're in my seat.

Wait, your name is Richard Banger?

Your name is Dick Banger.

Dick Banger! Dick Banger?

You, sir, have just provided us with jokes

for the whole weekend!

Well, you must be Jack... off!

Jack-Off! Give it to me, baby!

- Jack-Off, buddy!

- He has a comeback!

McNally, where have you

been hiding this guy?

You know, I've just been

keeping him all to myself!

Well, you gotta learn how to share.

All right, everybody, let's sit down.

Brainiac, Chonger, move over.

"Jack-Off." How about it? Oh, boy.

I don't know what made you change

your mind, and I don't need to. I just...

Thank you.

- "Jack-Off." I love that.

- Yeah, I do, too.

I love that, that you said that.

Because it was...

For a moment there, I...

I'm so sorry.

Joy, come on over! Joy!

I'm on it!

- Yeah!

- I'm on it.

Yeah! Yeah!

One looks for happiness

One longs to find a partner

One knows that nowadays

One love will be the answer

One sees a crazy world

One needs a fresh perspective

- Hey.

- So what's up? She sign it yet?

No, not yet.

You better not

be pussying out on me!

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

I'm just waiting for her to get down here.

Got to warm

these people up, you know?

All right, well, call me

when it's done, okay?

I'm holding down the fort in the meantime.

- Yeah. All right.

- Bye.

Lavender.

You get on my head.

Oh, my God. That is slick.

That is something else.

- Can you believe this?

- No.

I guess I was wrong.

You do clean up pretty well.

What?

No, you just... You...

I like your hair like that.

Thanks.

Can I get two shots?

You know what? Make it three.

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