What We Do in the Shadows Page #4

But if they ever offer you bisghetti...

Um.... you shouldn't eat it.

They offered me biscotti.

Vampire mates don't eat human mates.

And no matter how much I want to eat him...

... I will never eat him cause he's my mate.

- Right, Stu?

- Yah.

Yeah.

Stu is great.

We really like him.

At first I wanted to kill him.

But now I'm glad I've spent

the time to get to know him.

Yeah, of course he looks delicious

with his big red cheeks.

But we've all got an agreement

that we're not going to eat Stu.

- Right?

- Right.

The guys upstairs, they...

They're loving him.

That's ... it started off with,

'Who's this human you're bringing into the house?'

But it took them literally 2 minutes and

they like him more than

they like me, I reckon.

I'm knitting a scarf for Stu.

Try it again. Use your legs.

Wow.

- Step back...

- Punching high.

- Yep.

- Hi.

Yep.

I'm just, what I'm trying to say is...

... cause I know that you...

... you turned me into a vampire.

Maybe don't do that to him.

He's a... vegetarian.

Last thing he'd want to is eat...

... a life-being or eat blood or eat meat...

- I am controlling this.

- Get it, get it!

Quite amazing to see how far

technology can go forward

if you're not paying attention.

One message received.

There is a crucifix behind you.

So, done on it, or like,

half way down and focus it.

Maybe smile.

- Anything you want to find, you...

- Yeah.

- You can type your name here.

- I've lost...

... a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.

Yes, now Google it.

Stu is the first human friend

that I've had for long time.

With humans there's a tendency to die.

Yeah.

We can look at her photos.

- Ah, oh yes.

- Or you can poke her.

Yes.

Can we see a movie with sunrise?

- What? Sh*t!

- Whoo...

Nice...

If you push images,

than we can see pictures of virgins.

- Ah, yes. Yes.

- Yah, yah...

I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.

There he is, yeah.

This is my old servant, Phillip.

- So, we're gonna call him.

- Yeah.

And...

...screen...

My God, that's him, that's him,

that's him, that's Phillip, that's Phillip.

- He looks old.

Yeah, kind of like youth romance,

but like more, more layers.

Maybe Twilight, have you seen it?

Okay, I'm the main guy in Twilight.

You now the main guy?

Twilight?

That's me.

Cameras following me around.

They could have chosen anyone.

How many people have you told

you are a vampire?

- Not many.

- I heard that girl...

... talking about that

you said you were a vampire.

Yeah, I told her.

- Who else?

- Who did you tell?

Uh, I told her hot friend.

You can't tell everyone that you're a vampire.

Who's that guy?

I don't know but I told him.

You can't tell everyone.

Yeah, I've got a bit of an eye condition.

What's wrong with him?

Um, vampire eyes.

Can't go into the sun.

Oh, my God, is that your fangs?

For real?

For real, real.

For real, real.

I'm a vampire.

- What?

- Yeah.

- I'm a vampire hunter.

- No, you're not.

- No?

- You f***ing piece of sh*t.

I'll Skype you!

I float.

- I transform into stuff.

- Same.

- No you can't.

- Yeah.

I'll show you.

Show me.

Show me some of your vampire stuff.

What have I got?

Um...

Don't lie about transforming into sh*t.

- Twilight!

- Shut up, Nick!

You're not Twilight.

- What's your problem?

- You are my problem.

Telling the world that we are vampires.

And I'll tell the whole world

that you're an a**hole now.

Shut up!

- Shut up!

- Guys?

- You shut up!

- No, you shut up!

- No, you shut up.

- You shut up.

I'm Dracula, man!

You're not Dracula!

- I'm Dracula!

You don't even know who Dracula is!

You idiot!

- Oh, bat fight!

- Bat fight! Oh, yah, yah, yah!

Ah, Deacon!

That wasn't fair, man!

My f***ing jacket, man!

I don't care about your stupid jacket.

- Deacon!

- You okay, man?

- Hey, Stu?

- Mm-hm?

How's your worms?

Alright.

You're eating worms.

Can you do that sh*t when

you turn them into worms?

No.

Doesn't work on chips.

Only works on things that

already look like worms.

- Maybe noodles. Do you want some noodles?

- He knows now.

Oh no. I wouldn't eat that.

Why?

Are you okay Nick?

Alright?

He ate fried chip.

I can't eat salads now, great.

I can't sunbath.

I can't watch daytime TV.

I can if I could, or I guess I could.

More, more then ever just the chips.

My favorite food.

I can't eat chips.

I don't... it's just...

I hate...

I said it. I'm over being a vampire.

It's sh*t.

So, don't, don't believe the hype.

Jackie?!

Jackie, can I come in please?

- Okay, off to bed, guys!

- Hello, children!

- Don't look at the men.

- You want me to kill this?

Don't look at the men!

I was going to bite you tonight.

Really?

But now I can't because

there's this Nick being a vampire.

Sorry, sorry, I thought you

killed him 2 months ago.

No, I didn't...no... he's a vampire.

What do you mean?

He jumped in front of your place.

All I'm saying is that, um...

You know if I had a penis,

I would have been...

I would have been bitten years ago.

I might have to penalize you.

Perhaps another couple of years.

Maybe 10 years.

Hm?

Like one big circle, just biting each others d*cks.

You know, they don't even wear shirts,

they wear blouses. It's, it's just...

... a big homo-erotic dick biting club.

And I'm stuck here,

ironing their f***ing frills.

Also clean the bathroom, please.

It's blood everywhere.

It is gruesome.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

Off to bed, please.

Katherine.

She was so charming and nice.

She was everything I wanted.

Unfortunately...

... yeah, she was married.

Sure, I wanted to kill the guy.

I thought about, chopping his head off.

Draining him of every

drop of blood that he had.

Who wouldn't?

But then, I also saw

how happy she was.

And that made me kind of happy.

And I didn't want to ruin it for her, so...

I did the honorable thing and I just...

... stepped back.

And let her live her life.

Petyr!

Petyr!

Where is it?

Petyr!

Petyr!

Petyr!

Get water!

- Get out of the sunlight!

- Get water! Get water!

Get water! Petyr, get away from the sunlight!

Get in the shadows, Petyr!

Get out of the sunlight!

Get out of my way!

I'm going in!

I'm coming Petyr!

- Deacon, no, it's sunlight!

- I'm coming for you!

It's sunlight out there!

It's sunlight!

I was too late.

Turn that thing off.

Our friend had just been killed

in a fatal sunlight accident.

So this is what I think happened.

The vampire hunter...

... broke into the window here.

Has impacted the table. Breaking the table leg.

Then he has come this way.

Towards the tomb.

Crucifix!

Cover the crucifix!

And then...

... Petyr has burst from the tomb.

Pushed the tomb lid

on to the vampire hunter.

And then the sunlight has come through here.

And burned Petyr alive.

Think this is just a table leg, which is...

... sanded down.

- Do you think he hand sanded that, or?

- Yes.

Image that, stuck in your...

It's quite shocking down here, Nick.

Look, here's our sweet Petyr.

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