What We Do in the Shadows Page #5

- F***ing hell.

- Burnt to a sizzle.

- I can't figure out this.

- This is the vampire hunter.

Is this Franco?

- Uh, who's this guy?

- Look at this...

... bloody head, back to front.

Twist it the other way,

the other way!

Let's see who this guy is.

- Hm, typical macho type.

- Yuck!

It is.

Oh, sh*t!

I know that guy.

- Actually.

- You know him?

- Yeah.

- What?

I saw him the other night in town.

Told him I was a vampire.

What?!

I thought he was joking.

He said he was a vampire hunter.

You let a vampire hunter into our house?

- I just gave him my e-mail.

- Nick!

Take out your tongue.

And shove it down your ass.

F***ing hell!

You and your big mouth!

It was a mistake!

Get up and stand on this ceiling like a man.

We can talk it out, yeah, man?

We can talk it out, mate!

- I'll kill you!

- I'm already dead!

Stu, stay back!

Someone's at the door.

Go, go.

Oh, sh*t.

- Good evening, sir.

- Hello, police.

Hi, I'm constable O'Leary.

This is constable Minogue.

We're just responding to a report

of a possible forced entry and also...

... a rather large amount of shrieking.

Just, um, wondering maybe we could come in

and just have a wee look around?

Okay.

What's with the fellow?

What's with the camera?

Yeah, we're obviously just here

cause there was a phone call

from the, a member of the public, um,

about a bit of disturbance.

Um, some loud noises.

- Possibly a forced entry, wasn't there?

- Um...

And, also, maybe a bit of smoke coming out, so...

We're just checking over the scene.

Making sure every thing's uh...

You know, above board sort of speaking, uh...

Making sure no ones in danger,

that kind of thing.

We might go up and have a wee look up there,

if that's alright with you?

- Come on mate, you lead the way.

- Just a little tour. Yeah.

Okay.

- Smells a bit weird here too, mate.

- Yeah.

What do you call that?

Barbecue.

You will not notice anything

out of the ordinary.

No, we certainly hope not.

Let's just...

Lets just keep going.

- Hi there guys. How are yah?

- Hello.

Hi fellas.

We've just wondering where

all the shouting was coming from?

That was me.

Yeah, okay, we've had a couple reports, okay?

A couple of people not happy

with the level of noise here.

Okay.

The neighbors?

You got neighbors on either side.

Feeling nervous.

I've hypnotized those cops.

I'm not a great hypothesizer

so it could wear off any second.

I really hope that those guys

don't kill those police

because then this means

more police will come.

Possibly even Christians which is totally

the last things we need in this house.

I can see you're having a good time.

End of the day...

... we got to keep the, uh,

the peace, okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

See what I'm seeing?

Is that even ok?

You're joking?

Not a smoke alarm in sight.

No smoke detectors, mate?

Rule number 1:

Smoke detectors.

Okay.

Rule number 2:
maybe not

so many barbeque's inside.

- Sorry fellas.

- Okay.

- Barbeque's?

- That was really strong there, ain't it?

What kind of marinade?

Who's this guy?

Um...

It's a friend who came to our party.

Mate, you're alright?

- He's drunk.

- That's what I thought.

Drunk guy.

You can't just leave him down

here like that, okay?

This guy's not having a good time.

He's gonna feel terrible tomorrow morning.

Well, he's soul is in hell, so...

Well, I don't know where's his soul's at,

but all I am saying, where is his blanket?

Who left the concrete on?

- Yeah, you can move him there?

- It's definitely not going to be comfortable.

- Seen anything else in there?

- No, I think I've seen enough.

- Okay.

- Hang on a minute.

What have we got here?

- What is that?

- This?

- Oh, this?

- Are you seeing this clearly as I can?

Adhesive, mate.

That's a flammable.

And then you got a lamp on top of that.

Directly underneath the power source.

- That is quite bad.

- It's very bad.

And no smoke detectors again are there?

- No.

- Yes, there are.

- Yes, there are.

- Okay, that's good.

Lots to think about guys.

- Yeah, lots to think about there guys.

- Next flat-meeting, yeah.

Yeah, good thinking, that's the thing, just...

- ... have a bit of dialogue about it.

- Okay.

- They've got a really good point.

- Wait!

Let's kill them.

Well, let's just see what other safety...

- Stay here and then maybe we'll...

- Yeah.

I call into session,

this trial of Nick,

of Wellington.

Read the charges.

Problems we have with Nick.

Number 1:

You brought a human into our house.

- Which is a big no-no in the vampire world.

- Stu is, Stu is okay though?

Yeah, Stu is fine, so I guess we'll just...

... cross that one out.

Uh...

- Thank you Stu.

- Thank you Stu.

So...

The new number 1:

Nick's been telling people he's a vampire.

That in turn resulted in...

... an unwanted visit from a vampire hunter.

Crime number 2:

This is quite a bigy, Nick.

The vampire hunter who killed Petyr.

That's... I actually should've...

that should have been crime number one

but we wanted to build up to that.

Number 3:

Deacon doesn't like that

your wear the same jacket as him.

And he would like you to find

your own original style.

For these crimes of which

we the vampire council find you guilty...

... you should be banished from our flat.

Indefinitely.

- Indefinitely?

- Indefinitely.

So I can come back?

No, no, indefinitely means that there is no end.

I thought that there was no...

No, indefinite means

that it's not a definite thing.

Yeah, but it's long.

Could be tomorrow, it could be 6 months.

NO! No, it is not tomorrow!

- You get about at least 6 moths.

- Banished!

You are banished.

But Stu, you can visit if you like.

Thank you.

For your crimes...

... you will be made to suffer...

... the procession...

... of shame.

I asked them Nick,

I asked them not to pass that sentence.

We should do this immediately.

- In my opinion.

- You didn't ask.

You didn't ask. You were saying yes.

- I did...

- Well, this is what's going to happen.

I still think it's quite extreme.

Let us do the procession of shame.

Now.

- Shame.

- Shame!

Shame. Shame. Shame!

Shame!

- Shame.

- Bad vampire!

Shame.

Should we go Stu?

Bye Stu.

That was a shame.

So today we have an invitation.

To the big event of the year.

Breaking it open.

They have burned the edges.

- Like a treasure map or something.

- It looks very authentic, doesn't it?

'Dearly departed...'

That's us.

'The Wellington vampire association

in conjunction with the

lower-hat-vampire-witch club

and the Kurory-zombie society

invite you to attend The Unholy Masquerade

on the night of the 6th of June...

... starting at 6 PM.'

- 666...

- Oh, yeah...

The Unholy Masquerade of course is great time

for the undead community of Wellington.

There's zombies there.

Vampires, banshees, all having a dance together.

It's all a big deal for me.

Love it.

One year I went to

The Unholy Masquerade dressed as

Whoopi Goldberg from Sister Act...

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