What We Do in the Shadows Page #6

... 1 and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.

Didn't go down so well because

she was a nun.

Vampires don't like nuns.

Of course the big deal of

The Unholy Masquerade

is that every year they

announce the guest of honor.

And...um...

I don't know if I should be saying this but...

I heard a little rumor

that the guest of honor this year...

... might be me.

The location...

- Oh, yeah, where is it?

- Where's the location?

Detrol of Despair.

And the guest of honor will be...

Who is it? Show me.

Hm.

Okay.

Okay.

- Okay. Okay, that's fine. That's fine.

- Okay?

Vladislav...

... has...

... just had a reaction to the information

that the guest of honor will be...

... um... The Beast.

The darkest part of my mind

is reserved to The Beast.

We can tell you a thing

or two about The Beast.

You should pray that you

never have to see The Beast.

This one is called The Beast.

And I said,

'Get you hands off my balls, Beast!'

He may have told you

some stories about his

great battle with The Beast.

Yeah, oh,

'I fought The Beast on a cliff.'

Oh... 'I fought The Beast in a swamp.'

'One time I fought The Beast

in the toilettes of a night club.'

Difficult battle.

I hope you never see The Beast.

The Beast.

You can't go the the ball as Blade.

He's a vampire hunter.

Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes.

It's inappropriate.

Okay, Vlad? The Green Jortes,

or the Black Leather with the Dragon Belt?

- We're have a mild crises here.

- Doesn't matter which pants you were, just...

- What do you want with me?

- Just look at the pants Vlad!

Look at the pants!

Enough with the pants!

- Sh*t, man!

- Holy sh*t!

Oh, you look terrible.

The black pants.

Thank you. Get dressed!

I don't know if I feel up to it, really.

You don't look that great but

if you eat someone on the way...

If you ate a little bit?

- You could probably wear a mask or something.

Just leave me to do my dark biding on the Internet!

What are you biding on?

I'm biding on a table.

- Are you coming or not?

- Not.

I'm gonna go change.

We're leaving in 10 minutes.

Have a good time!

We waited often,

without giving into that kind of...

stuff which I'm really sick

of that but you know...

It just that, it's a hard frustration...

takes people down.

Come on. Can I introduce, um...

- Aaron and Alisha.

- Hi, how are you?

Hi.

- Hi.

- Less moaning guys.

So we are at The Unholy Masquerade.

It's great.

This is my mask.

Which I made for the occasion.

Hey!

- Jackie.

-Yeah!

- This is undead party.

- Yeah, I'm a vampire.

You...?

I'm a vampire. I'm a vampire!

- Great.

- Yeah, yeah.

- So, um, who bit you?

- Oh, Nick.

- Oh great.

- Yeah.

Okay.

Deacon!

Pretty rude, because she was my...

... servant.

She was a pretty useless servant.

- I wouldn't...

- Yeah, yeah, but still, it would have been...

... appreciated if you'd asked...

How's Stu?

- He's good. He's here.

- Oh, his here?

- Stu! STU!

Hey, hey!

Hey!

Has anyone looked at you

like they want to eat you, at all?

Ah, no...

Can you hear me at the back?

On behalf of the Wellington vampire society...

... uh, with lower-hat vampire and witch club.

And the Kurory Zombie society,

we welcome you here tonight.

We're raffling a live big pet this year,

you could see

the prize over here on my left.

It's a wonderful prize.

I thinks it's a 10 dollars each or

45 dollars for a book of five.

Now without further adieu, it's my very great pleasure

to introduce to you this years guest of honor.

Pauline Ivanovich!

Thank you.

That's The Beast.

Thank you.

The Beast is, uh, the name

I gave to my ex-girlfriend Pauline.

She prefers Pauline.

We had a very intense relationship.

We were very...

... sexually explosive.

Last time I saw her, she impelled me and

called me an a**hole.

She said...

... all kinds of things that really hurt me.

And all this while I was impelled on a lamp post.

Well, everyone, I will be mingling around

and I really hope that...

... I will meet...

... all of you.

Hello.

That's the new guy.

What, what kind of vampire... if he is a vampire.

Did you see his face?

Oh... oh.

- Hello!

- Hi, how are you?

- This is Deacon.

- Hello Deacon.

- This is Stu.

- Good day Stu.

- How are you my friend?

- Good.

Hi. Stu.

You got really warm hands too.

You a demon?

- No, he's not a demon!

- I'm a software analyst.

- Stu, Stu, Stu...

- Am I a witch?

Go dance, uh, with anyone.

- Sure.

- Okay, take your time.

I like Stu. He's not vampire, or a zombie...

- Am I a witch?

- He's not...

He not uh... he's neither,

he's uh... more of a human.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hi, Nick, hey.

Um, Nick...

Do you mind if Stu is killed?

Uh, I don't feel real good about it.

Can I, can I just ask you, you know, a...

- ... a personal question?

- Sure.

Are you, um....

... are you, are you,

are you predeceased?

Uh...

If anyone's gonna eat him is gonna be us but

we're not, we're passed it.

They can just go f*** themselves.

Nick! It is your fault.

Okay? You brought a human

into this den of vampis nest.

- You're not helping.

- Yes, you did.

- Plus one.

- Lovely talking to you, I've got to shout off now.

See you later on.

As soon as one vampire takes a bite,

it's a frenzy!

- A frenzy!

- Okay, we've got to get him out.

Okay, follow me, follow me.

Excuse me, sorry guys.

Okay, Stu.

Put that over your red face.

- Just going out for a cigarette.

- Oh, hey!

- Okay, not that way.

- This way.

- This way.

- Is there another way?

- Get away from the vampires.

- Guys...

Excuse me everyone!

Can I have your attention please.

Some of the vampires forget

Unholy Masquerade rules.

They brought a human.

And they don't let us to feast on him.

This was a total misunderstanding.

There was on the invitation,

and this actually pertains to you...

... the invitation, it said,

- plus one, but it did not specify...

- Okay.

- Wait, look...

- If it could be a human or

if it could be werewolf or...

Yeah, but he could be

a vampire hunter for all we know.

He could texting his mates, saying,

'I've got them all under one place

come on over.

We'll have a vampire barbecue!'

Well, he's not, he's not doing that.

How do we know that?

He's wearing a bow-tie, look at him!

Stu, tell them what you do.

Come on Stu!

Tell us what you do. Come on.

Tell them what you do, Stu.

- Hi, my name is Stu uh...

- Don't f*** it up, man.

- I can't hear Stu.

- Louder, louder!

Hi, my name is Stu, uh, I work in...

- I can't hear...

- Louder.

Stu can't hear, they cannot hear you.

Hi, my name is Stu. I'm a software analyst.

I work for a geographic information system company.

-Uh...

- Sorry, what is it?

I work for a company that does

basically we take like

business requirements from organizations.

Then we analyze those requirements and

then we build software

to fit those requirements.

He is a virgin. He is a virgin!

- I can smell a virgin of a thousand paces.

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