What We Do in the Shadows Page #7

- Go on then.

Take your thousand paces and smell yourselves!

I can't wait till you moan them.

There should be no eating of the human.

Who are you all of a sudden?

You have forgotten your former lover.

So quickly.

Georgie?

No, not...

... Georgie, like, 5-years Saturday.

No.

Wait a minute.

Just one moment.

No...

No, I've got it, it's coming, take it away...

Hello Beast.

Hello a**hole.

- Hey, don't call me a**hole!

- Don't call me...

... Beast. This is Vladislav. This is me ex-boyfriend.

- This is absolutely the same.

- You know, the one who f***ed the police...

- Alright, that's old business, that's...

- ... personal business.

- Yeah.

- Nice to meet you a**hole.

- This is my lover.

You will not feast on the blood

of the human known as Stu.

Listen a**hole, this is a human and

this is the rules and

what is cameras doing here?

One, and then another one,

what is this?

They're making a documentary on...

This is a private secret society mate,

you don't go bringing your

bloody cameras into everything.

You will not eat Stu and

you will not eat the camera guy.

- Maybe one camera guy...

- I'm up to bloody here, with you at the moment.

And all your mates behind there,

whoever the hell they are.

We're gonna eat the human being.

And there's nothing you can do about it, alright?

Now back off!

And let my misses get her way.

Oh, there's nothing I can do about it?

- That's right.

- Well, what about this?

Diego, rip his head off.

What do you want?!

Vampire fight!

Get him Vladislav!

Rip his head off!

He's killing him!

It is forbidden for vampires...

... to kill a vampire.

- What the f...

- Medic!

What?

Are you okay, love?

Get out!

We should probably go Stu.

It was great to see you,

- Pauline.

- A**hole!

Perfect.

- That was very... how we both...

- He's a murderer!

We both, together,

equally destroyed that guy!

Yeah, but it was more Stu

with the giant stick!

I hope this doesn't make this awkward

for you and The Beast.

No, I think it's opened up new possibilities.

Oh, no.

Here we go again.

Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu!

Stu, Stu, STU!

Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu...

- Stuuu... Stuuu...

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop!

Listen, listen!

You smell that?

This way.

Werewolves.

- Oh, no.

- Look what the cat dragged in, huh?

- Piss off.

- Keep walking. Don't hassle us tonight.

There has been no hassle here.

Well, let it stay that way.

Keep chaining yourselves up!

Guys, where's your track suite pants?

It was washing night.

My misses couldn't wash them cause

there was too much blood on them.

When your legs expand they go into the track suit.

- Oh!

- Those jeans are gonna rip completely!

You've lost all those trousers, guys?

Declan, that tree's far too thin!

Look at it! It's like a branch!

You don't know how big you get

when you transform!

That's the wrong tree for you.

Anton, I've...

Oh, no, you've forgot the combination.

Why did you get a combination lock?

I lost my key last time.

Okay, well, it's probably 4 zeros,

that's the factory setting, is it?

- F*** off to a tree.

- Hey!

Werewolves, not swearwolves.

Yeah, I know, well on transformation nights,

it's alright, alright?

I'm getting stressed out.

I was just reminding you.

Stop talking and chain yourself up you d*ckhead!

Honestly, we're transforming.

Alright, we'll keep walking.

- Yeah, keep walking. By the way I find that offensive!

- We'll keep walking.

Is it fur?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Don't look at the fur everyone.

Get back to your trees, okay?

- That's disgusting, man.

- You're wearing fur.

Declan!

- That's not real fur.

- Oh, sh*t!

Honestly, get out of here.

Take your humans!

The guy in the bow-tie, he's gonna go first!

Get out of here!

Take all your coats off if you want to keep everyone!

Take that army service jacket off...

Get that camera out of my face!

Go, go! Let's go, let's go. Come on!

Run, Stu, RUN!

Let's go, let's go!

- They're coming, guys!

- Sh*t!

I got one!

My leg! My leg!

Oh, God!

Stu! Stu!

STU!

Stu!

Get off me!

Stu, are you alright?!

Stu!

Stu!

Ah, f***!

F*** off!

Get off me!

You stinky piece of a**holes!

Stupid werewolves!

Look away Nick!

Don't look at their blood!

Stu!

He's a really good dude!

Leave him alone!

It's too late for him!

- Don't look at the blood Nick!

- Stu!

There he is.

He's probably still a little upset

having seen his

best friend disemboweled by werewolves.

Nick!

I found you.

Whoa!

That was pretty full on, heh?

But this is what happens

when you are a vampire.

You have to watch everyone die.

You're mother and father.

All your friends.

Sometimes brutal.

Like slipping and falling onto a giant spike.

Or falling asleep.

In an autumn pile of leaves,

and having some of them,

block your wind pipe.

Or making the simple mistake,

of fashioning a mask out of crackers,

and being attacked by ducks.

Geese.

Swans.

Or simply dieing of old age.

But even old age is brutal.

Watching your friends...

... grow old.

They can't piss.

And they say stupid things and

their brains go and they

can't remember anything.

And then, one day, they can't even

remember who you are.

And you wish they were dead.

And then they do die.

No.

If I know Stu...

... this was probably the way he wanted to go.

Disemboweled by werewolves.

Blood and guts,

splat onto the trees.

His face torned to shreds.

I hope I made you feel better.

Ah, well, from what we

could see in the beginning

it looks like there's been

a bit of a dog attack.

That's really what happens,

when you get, you know...

dangerous dogs.

Um, straits, not being looked after.

This is not good.

No, not good at all.

There's nicer ways to go, then being...

... torn apart, by what looks like a pack of dogs,

more than just one.

- I say so.

- These attacks have been happening more, more frequent.

They're happening on a monthly bases and

and it's just no good for anybody, okay?

Specially not the dogs.

Certainly not the community.

I've got the bastard.

One of them here, hey?

That's what I'm talking about.

Look at it.

End of the day,

this dog is gonna have to be put down.

What a shame.

Look what you did.

Hey?

He's got the scent again, hasn't he?

He wants to go again. He's not finished.

Yeah.

They say that vampires hearts are cold and dead.

Definitely dead.

- Bye Stu.

- He would have loved his scarf.

It was lovely, loose, knit.

But I don't know.

I think I still feel things inside it.

Deacon!

Deacon!

Deacon, wakey, wakey. Hey!

You don't sleep in here.

The curtain's opened. It's nearly morning.

You want to get sizzled to a crisp.

You know, you could think

a little about these things.

Okay.

- Sorry Viago.

- It's okay.

- Night, night! Okay.

Received at 4:
20 AM:

- Stu?!

- Hey, Deacon.

- Stu!

- How is it?

Good to see you.

Look at his face!

I saw them tear you to shreds!

Look! He looks like Seal!

They didn't kill me.

- It looks cool.

- Thank you, thank you.

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