Why Him? Page #7

Right.

What's up?

Did the server forget

to send a reminder

for your birthday party

or something?

No, he is actually

in the printing business.

Oh, sh*t.

Whoops.

No, no.

We didn't put you

out of business or anything?

No.

What? Ruin our business?

No, no.

We're doing quite well.

Thank you.

Oh, that's great!

Good for you!

Honestly, good for you.

We love little

mom-and-pop printers.

So inspirational. So important.

Mm-hmm.

My dad has more of a factory.

Not to brag,

but we're a pretty big shop.

People need paper. They need

something to write on.

They love the feel of that

card stock in their hands.

Yeah.

I've never heard

anyone say that.

Hmm. We have not

found that at all.

Yeah. Nope.

I think we come from

two different worlds.

Yes, we do.

You better start learning code

pretty f***ing fast, dude.

Dude, Ned was crushing it

since before you two were fighting

over your mother's titties.

Our mom didn't breastfeed us.

Laird, you know

we had a wet nurse.

Oh, I can tell.

Boy, I'll tell you,

I don't know what's going on.

I'm lost.

I'm overwhelmed.

Yeah! Me, too.

There's Bukkake

floating all around me.

What?

Hm?

What's Bukkake?

Oh, laird told me.

It means when you're overwhelmed

and you got too much going on.

Oh, my gosh.

Can't figure things out.

Then, I'm drowning in Bukkake

at this point.

Okay, I'm gonna be

real with you guys.

It means jizz on your face.

I'm sorry?

Bukkake means covered in jizz.

Tons of jizz, ejaculate.

Usually after a gangbang.

Not as bad as it sounds.

Yeah,

post-gangbang.

Or during. Depends

if someone finishes early.

What the heck?

I was trying to

protect you, dude.

- Protect me?

- F***ing Justine.

You mean embarrass me?

It was a really

sensitive conversation.

I didn't want to start talking

about guys jerking off

on each other.

Why'd you tell me

it was overwhelming?

Justine brought it up!

I hope this is an opportune

time to show a video.

It's not.

- Oh, god!

- Yeah.

Oh, and this

is a teaching moment.

- Here's another.

- Oh, my god.

- No. Scotty.

- Don't look at that.

It's all good.

You don't have to see this.

Is that you?

No.

Oh, my god.

Are you okay?

Yeah!

Come on, daddy.

You're okay!

Okay, I just need to

take a breather. One...

I love this kid.

Oh, my god!

DDT your ass.

I love you, dawg.

Hi, pops.

I just need some fresh air.

Can I come?

We've always been straight

with each other, haven't we?

Yeah, of course.

Okay, I need to

ask you a question.

And I mean this honestly.

Okay. What?

You're scaring me.

No. It's just...

What?

Why laird?

I mean, come on.

Oh, my god.

Why?

Dad.

You are so smart

and you're beautiful.

You could be dating anyone.

Why?

I don't get it.

You want the truth?

Yes.

He kind of reminds me of you.

What?

Me?

Yes.

Okay, I need you

to explain that one.

How?

You're both the most honest

and authentic men that I know.

It comes out

in totally different ways.

Oh, well...

Laird has literally no filter.

I don't know that to be true.

Is that right?

Okay.

Sorry.

Trying to help you out here.

But I swear his heart

is always in the right place.

He's a very good guy.

And I love him.

You love him?

What?

I'm processing.

We had the...

Very funny, dad.

Okay. Okay.

Just try to be cordial.

I will. I'll try.

Okay? I'll try.

Try to what?

I'll try to just...

understand that person better.

Come here.

Hey.

Hi.

Long night.

What are you doing?

Just chilling.

Barb, is that my shirt?

I don't know, is it?

Want me to take it off?

Would you, please? I only

brought two dress shirts.

I really don't feel like ironing

while I'm on this trip.

I'm so exhausted.

Oh, yeah.

Take it off, baby.

Yeah! Take it off.

Take off those shoes, girl.

Let me see those feet.

I wanna see those feet!

Did you hit your head

or something?

Yeah. Let me

smell that shoe.

You don't wanna smell my shoe.

Yeah, I want feet!

I want those feet

out of those socks.

Barb, what happened to you?

I am so stoned right now.

What?

Yeah, I am so baked.

I am like super baked.

Barb. What?

Where did you?

I was very lonely

after you guys left.

And I saw this guy,

and he had a cigarette.

I thought it was one of those

electronic cigarettes.

They're called e-cigs.

Yeah.

But turns out...

I was vaping.

What?

I was vaping.

What is that?

It's marijuana that comes

out of some kind of machine.

Keep your voice down!

Ned, it's legal.

Oh, this poor boy

had it for sleep apnea.

At his age? So sad.

I'm going to bed. That's it.

No, no, no. Wait!

- Barbara, I'm tired.

- Wait a minute.

And I've got a headache.

Let's play a little bit, huh?

No, no.

I'll give you

one of my patented massages.

Barb.

Let's take the little cheese

out for a spin.

No, no, no.

Come on, let me just see him.

Don't.

I just want to see him.

Don't call him that.

Please. Come on.

Oh, my god!

You used to love getting high

and fooling around.

What? Barb! No, Barb.

We're on vacation!

But someone could walk...

There's no locks on the door!

What?

Justine! Do you have any kiss?

Oh, hell yeah!

Are you kids gonna do it?

Yes.

No.

We're doing it already.

We're doing it right now.

Barb!

I'm doing it with my feet.

One foot.

That's kiss!

Honey, you love kiss!

But not right now.

Yell!

Yeah. Yeah.

Look what I learned

at the party.

What?

There was this real cute girl,

and she was going like this.

She was doing this cute,

new dance.

You're gonna

throw your back out.

I'm not gonna throw my...

I'll throw you out.

Let me get on you.

Wait, do you smell that?

I'm putting him in.

What is that scent?

There. Oh, it's in.

What is that?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

Is that Indian summer

by Priscilla Presley?

I used to wear

that perfume in the 90s.

Yup, pumping some in.

I saw you mentioned it on your

college reunion's Facebook page.

I know what you like, Ned.

Oh, I know you do, dawg.

Yeah, get in there. Get it!

Barb!

Get you some!

Get it! Good. Oh, that's...

Okay.

Yeah. You're almost in there.

No, you're, like,

six inches away from it.

Get in there.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Barb.

Oh! Yeah!

Barb!

That's good.

Oh, that's good.

You're getting into it now.

- That's it!

- No!

No, no! Take me! Yes! Take me!

I'm not...

Take me.

I'm taking you right to bed.

That's what I'm doing.

Here you go. Yes.

No, I wanna do sex.

We are not gonna do sex.

No, honey.

But I want to.

Justine, turn all the music

off please...

I wanna do it.

And leave us alone

for the rest of the night.

It's gonna be full penetration!

Would you stop!

Psst... hey, girl.

Fifth button from the right.

You'll thank me later.

Mama, won't you please let me

mmm...

There we go, girls.

Oh!

Okay. You all right?

Yeah. Oh, man.

That's it.

Dude, I thought

I was gonna make it.

I know. You almost did, but...

Very good evasive parkour.

Yes, but the last move

you ate sh*t.

I know.

I'll put you on the table later

and we'll do

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