Why Him? Page #8

a little adjustment.

Ah!

Christmas tree shopping

with the big cheese.

Ned, you don't know

how excited I am about this.

I don't know

if I ever mentioned this,

but I never had a father

to do this kind of stuff with.

I'm glad we're getting

a chance to hang out.

That's nice.

Uh, it's not getting me hard.

You need an erection

to buy a Christmas tree?

Helps.

I wanna get to know you better.

I mean, you're so perfect.

Seriously, did you always

have your sh*t together?

Oh, heck no.

I got fired selling Datsuns.

How'd you f*** up

selling little dogs?

No. Datsuns.

What's that?

It's a car. Doesn't matter.

It doesn't exist anymore.

But you're still here.

You ever get nervous

about shifting tides?

Well, you know, every business

has its ups and downs.

Yeah, I know it, bro.

Guerrilla gang, it's been

struggling a little bit.

Really?

Yeah, it's just a f***ing

tough landscape, dude.

What doesn't kill you

makes you stronger.

Whoa.

Chills. Did you

come up with that?

No, laird.

Whoa, whoa.

There she blows, Ned.

It's our motherfucking tree.

Why not? It'll look great

opposite your moose.

Ned, Ned. Not that one.

That one.

Oh, no. See, laird...

That doesn't belong to this lot.

See, it's owned by...

Wet games?

WEWT games.

Like, 'woot-woot'.

I know those dudes.

They're d*cks.

Tried to rip off ape assassins.

Plus, it's the first Christmas

with the family, dude.

Gotta do it right.

Hey, buddy.

Yeah.

Can I borrow that chainsaw?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

F***ing...

Come on.

Will you hurry up?

I'm trying.

Come on, guy.

I need my chainsaw back.

Just give me a second.

Should we call an ambulance now,

or wait till he loses a finger?

Can I borrow those?

Have at it.

Okay. Laird just...

Okay.

Hand it over?

You sure, Ned?

Yup.

Oh!

Total f***ing dad move!

Oh, sh*t!

Love kiss!

Kiss, baby!

These guys are awesome!

Stephanie and I do karaoke

to kiss all the time.

Dude, I know,

that's why I put it on!

And we do

a pretty good job, too,

if I might say so.

Oh, man.

That's cute.

Yeah.

Listen, laird,

I've been thinking about

our teepee talk yesterday.

Oh, dude, me too.

I've got so many ideas

for the proposal.

No.

No. Ned, hear me out.

I was thinking about

getting the Goodyear blimp,

releasing a thousand doves.

No. Wait.

Laird, just hold on

a second, okay?

Slow down.

Okay.

Look, I get it that Stephanie

really likes you.

But...

Uh-huh.

Look. Man to man.

Yeah.

Now is not the time.

Dude, Ned, I thought we were

getting past all that.

No, it's not me.

It's all about Stephanie.

Stephanie?

Yes.

I don't know, dude.

These last few semesters

are gonna be so intense.

And then there's graduation,

and she'll be looking for a job.

And who knows

where that will take her.

It's just...

All right, Ned...

I wasn't supposed to

tell you this,

but I just wanna

put your mind at ease.

Stephanie is not going back

to school next semester.

What?

Dude, I know you're probably

shocked, but do not worry.

She's already

got this awesome job

lined up

at this non-profit.

What organization

is that exactly?

She's going to be president of

the laird Mayhew foundation.

That's me.

Stephanie!

Barb?

Everybody upstairs right now,

family meeting!

Ned, would you like

me to schedule a meeting?

Oh, f*** off!

Just trying to help.

You don't always have to be

such an a**hole.

Yes, I do!

Dad.

You are so dead.

Shut up. Of course

I was going to tell you.

I told mom yesterday

at the mall.

I was just waiting for

the right time to bring it up

and that hasn't happened.

Wait a minute.

You knew?

Honestly, honey, we thought

you might freak out.

So we decided to wait until

after Christmas to bring it up.

But, okay, he told you

about the foundation, right?

Yes.

Yes, okay.

This is a big part of

why I wanted you

to come out here and meet laird.

Stephanie, even if he wasn't

this abject lunatic,

which he is,

I still wouldn't understand why.

You've only got

a few semesters left

before you graduate.

Why would you

just throw that away?

I'm not throwing

anything away, dad.

The year I spent

in central America

doing this kind of work,

I know you think that I'm

making some rash decision

and I'm not.

We've spent months

figuring it out.

All the months

where you didn't even tell us

you had a boyfriend.

All those months?

Darling...

I think you should hear her out

because it actually sounds

very interesting.

Does it?

Are you willing to listen to me?

Give it your best shot.

The plan is to focus

on women's health

as a function of environmental

change in the third world.

Right.

All right.

And when all that

goes belly-up,

you know what you're left with?

What?

Being a college dropout.

That's it.

You don't get it.

Oh, I don't get it?

No, you just, like,

don't get it at all.

Oh. What is that?

It's a tattoo.

With his name?

You got a tattoo?

You've marked your body

with his name on it.

Look at that, Barb!

Oh, no.

That is so cute.

Let me see.

I wanna see.

Laird's been telling me

I should get a neck tat.

I see what laird is doing here.

I see what he's doing.

He is trying to put his

imprint on this entire family.

And that is why we've got

all these secrets now.

And it's all because of him!

Why do you have such

a big problem with laird?

Great question. You know why?

Why?

Because of his influence,

you drop out of college.

Because of his influence,

you get a "too."

Dad, I think you mean "tat."

You definitely mean "tat."

I mean "tat?"

It's not a "too?"

"Tat." No, it's not a "too."

No.

No, I saw it on Geraldo.

They call them "toos," okay?

Okay.

This is what's going to be

your downward spiral.

First you get a tattoo,

then you start vaporizing.

- What?

- You're vaporizing.

What are you talking about?

When you have...

It's an e-cigarette.

But instead of tobacco

or a fake tobacco,

no, you have marijuana

in that e-cigarette.

Dad, I know what it is.

Yeah.

How do you know what it is?

Because I've been around.

Haven't I?

Mm-hmm.

Then you go

from there to heroin.

Mm-hmm, that's right.

After that, after you

get hooked on drugs,

you know what happens next?

What?

You'll become a hooker,

a prostitute...

A pimp's b*tch.

That's what's

going to happen to you.

I see it very clearly.

Oh, my...

How long do I have?

I'm glad you asked.

Not long.

You keep going down this path,

at this rate, not long.

You're clearly not in a place

to listen to me right now.

So I'm gonna go.

Thank you, pops,

for the guidance.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Boom!

Boss, let me get this straight.

You want me to hack into

Stephanie's boyfriend's computer

and find out

if there's any record

of him starting a foundation?

Yes, I do.

Listen, Kevin,

you are my it guy.

I've got nowhere else to turn.

You know I've always thought

so highly of Stephanie.

Yeah, she thinks

a lot about you.

Really? Oh, yeah.

That's so crazy.

Now, listen.

I know that this character

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote