Why Him? Page #9

has money,

but there's something about

this whole foundation

that sounds like

a bunch of hooey.

If this guy's running hooey,

then I'm gonna find out.

Okay, first thing's first, Ned,

you have to break into

his computer

and download a program

that I'm gonna send you.

That's hacking?

I took a shower,

washing every body part...

Yeah, okay.

I'm getting online.

Kevin, what are you doing?

Huh, baby?

Oh, I'm helping Ned

with something it-related.

Oh, tell Ned I said hi.

Okay.

All right, webcam's on.

Okay, I'm in the office.

All right, now get

in front of the computer.

All right, good.

Press the spacebar.

Oh, darn.

It's asking for a password.

No surprise.

A lot of guys have passwords related

to their girlfriends or their wives.

Kevin, you're a genius.

That's what I have!

It's "barbsguy1989."

The year we were married.

The younger generation tends

to go a little bit racier.

I'm gonna get into some

sensitive areas here,

so just bear with me.

We need to focus on Stephanie's

more defining qualities

that this guy might latch onto.

Do you understand

what I'm saying?

Would you just get to it?

For example, like,

would you say...

Stephanie has perky breasts?

What?

Okay.

I would say yes,

because she does.

Please try "Stephanie's b*obs"

one word, no caps.

I'm her dad!

I understand that

you're her dad,

but you gotta think like him.

Okay?

No.

We're gonna have to

kick it up a notch.

You said that this guy was edgy?

Please try

"Stephanie's tight ass."

Give that a whirl.

Are you messing with me, dingle?

I wish I was messing with you.

I'm trying to help you, Ned.

Make the two "s's"

dollar signs in "ass."

God!

I am going straight to hell

just for typing this.

Tight ass.

No.

Hey, guys?

Do you wanna raise the volume

on the movie?

Okay.

Okay. I'm just gonna list

some off, you type them in.

All right,

try "Stephanie's sweet slit."

I am not writing that!

Okay,

"Stephanie's pink canoe."

No!

Listen, this isn't fun for me.

Oh, my god.

What is it?

It's the password!

The one piece of paper

in the entire house.

What does it say?

I'm gonna log it in.

"Stephanie's dude."

Aw, that's actually sweet.

"2016."

Boom! We're in.

Oh, gosh!

What? What is it?

It's a nude photograph

of Stephanie.

May I see it, please?

No.

May I please see it?

I said no!

Okay.

Go to your earthlink account

in the web browser.

Earthlink, earthlink, okay.

Press.

I give it my password.

Okay.

Okay.

I just emailed you a file.

Download that and

open it on his desktop.

Ned, we're gonna f***ing nail this guy!

We're good!

We're hacking, baby!

We're gonna nail him.

We're gonna nail him the way

he's been nailing Stephanie.

Just come with me right now.

What?

Why are you

taking me to my office?

Everyone's downstairs.

Oh, sh*t! Someone's coming!

Okay. Escape!

Oh, god!

Baby, what are we doing?

Christmas Eve is about to start.

What is the matter with you?

What's happening?

I specifically told you...

Don't say anything.

That I wanted to be the one to

tell my dad about Stanford.

I know. We were just...

Then why did you do it?

We were bonding so hard,

it just sort of slipped out.

You clearly have no idea

what this means to him.

He was so proud of me

when I got into Stanford.

He worked so hard

to make it happen.

Me dropping out is like

a huge slap in his face.

Okay.

I just never had anyone

like him in my life before.

Oh, my god!

I thought we could

just talk it out.

You could see how that's not

your place to do that, right?

Okay. Maybe not.

Definitely not.

Okay, you're right.

He was super pissed.

Sometimes I feel like

you're not capable

of being in a relationship.

It's time that you get a handle

on these father issues.

Wow.

That's the truth.

When you call me on my sh*t...

My god! It makes me

feel so close to you.

Your honesty has

such an effect on me.

You're making me so

f***ing horny right now.

- What?

- Yeah.

That face is boner-bait.

Can you not see

that I'm mad at you?

Yeah, I see it.

That's what's...

Oh, my god.

You're driving me crazy!

You're not listening to me.

I'm listening.

I'm sorry.

Do you...

You need therapy.

Not working.

No?

Mm-mm. Not today, buddy.

Okay. How about this?

Is this working?

A little bit.

Okay, how about this?

Okay. That's working

a little bit more.

Laird, I love you.

But I'm still mad at you.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

No, no!

Okay?

Yes!

No!

You...

I'm gonna make it up to you.

What is happening?

You just lie back, and I'll give

you an early Christmas present.

You are such a freak.

I know.

Here comes Santa.

Oh, really?

Ho, ho, ho.

Oh, my god.

Merry Christmas.

Somebody's been

naughty this year.

Boss?

Ned. Are you there? Hello?

Hello?

Oh.

Yes. Kevin, I'm here.

What's happening?

I'm in.

Do you have access

to the Internet?

Yes, I do. Hold on.

Wait a second.

Log into your earthlink account.

Okay. Got it.

I'm gonna send these

to you right now.

Good.

You're done, Mayhew.

What the f***?

What happened?

Oh, my god.

Wait, what?

What's going on?

I don't know. He has my face.

What do you mean

he has your face?

I'm locked out.

I can't use my computer anymore.

What?

Stop that!

What's happening?

He's onto us, Ned.

What are you doing?

We have to abort.

Oh, god. Oh, no.

Oh, f***!

He's a mythical creature, Ned.

He's what?

What the f***? Oh, god.

He's pulling out his penis!

Oh, my god.

He's balls deep

in my digital butt.

Are you watching porn?

Turn that off!

Ned, he's doing it!

Marnie, it's not good!

Stay the f*** out!

Turn that off!

Kevin!

Kevin!

He has control of the house!

Come here!

Kevin, what is happening?

We gotta get out of here!

Go, go, go!

- What?

- Kevin!

Kevin!

Oh, my...

Hi.

Hey.

You know what?

Let's not fight.

Okay.

I'm sorry, truly, that you found

out about Stanford that way.

Thank you.

It was not okay of laird,

and he knows that now.

But I'm confident

this is a really good idea.

Honey, before you continue,

I need to tell you something.

Laird has been lying to you.

I tried.

No, no, no. Hey!

It's unbelievable!

He is in serious

financial trouble.

In what way?

It's Christmas.

Ned, you're making a mistake.

He doesn't have enough money

to finance his business,

let alone a foundation.

What exactly

makes you think that?

Wait till you see this.

What's this?

Here.

Look at this,

his own bank records.

All in red.

Is this for real?

Yeah, it's true.

Guerrilla gang hasn't crushed

one in a couple of years.

So you lied to me?

I'm dropping out of school

to start a foundation that

you're supposed to be financing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Baby, the foundation

is all good.

What are you talking about?

Ned, there has been

a very big misunderstanding.

These are only

laird's business holdings.

On the personal side...

I have put together a moderate,

conservative private

equity sleeve

that has been

performing delightfully.

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