Wife Vs. Secretary Page #3

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as I am to him uptown.

Well, she's not the sort of person

I'd care to see alone

- in a telephone booth with my husband.

- Why, Mimi!

Oh, you're terrible.

Van doesn't know

any other woman's alive.

His father's son?

Well, Mr. Paper-reader, why don't you

drink your soup with a straw?

Oh, don't be silly.

How you gonna get the vegetables up?

Caught red-handed. A pickpocket.

Why, I didn't know it was your pocket, sir.

I was just walking down the street...

Outside, young lady.

- Show it to me now, Dave.

- Not until after the show.

- Patience, woman, patience.

- Well, what's the matter? What is it?

Well, he has something to show me.

This is his idea of wearing the pants

in the family.

If and when

you ever trick me into marrying you, dear,

I'll wear the pants.

- What's that?

- Nothing.

- I said nothing.

- Well, say it a little louder, dear,

and stop hinting.

All you have to do to get a divorce

in this family, is just say the word.

I know. For the last 10 years,

I've been trying to find that word.

Hello?

Yes, Mr. Stanhope.

Holy mackerel, I've never known it to fail.

Yes, she's here, Mr. Stanhope.

- Hello?

- Hello, Whitey.

Do you remember

if the 240,000 circulation included

mailing to newsstands

that didn't have delivery?

I don't think so, V.S.

I think they counted with the newsstands.

Oh, I think I'd better go over

the whole thing again, Whitey.

You run down to the office

and get me the folder.

It's in the small safe. Thanks.

You weren't doing anything tonight,

anyway, were you?

Well, that's perfectly all right, V.S.

If I leave here now,

I'll be there within an hour.

All right.

Well, that's great. Just great.

It may be your idea of a good job,

it's not mine.

You know, if that's happened once,

it's happened 20 times.

I never saw anybody so inconsiderate.

Doesn't it ever occur to him that you

might be wanting to go out

for a good time or something?

Now, Dave,

he's got important things on his mind.

If you'll just give me my ticket

to the theater,

I'll be there as soon as I can,

and then you can tell me what I've missed.

I'm not going out with a girl,

I'm going out with a doctor.

Except, Stanhope gives birth

every 20 minutes.

- Miss Wilson?

- Yes.

I've often spoken to you

over the telephone, miss.

- Of course. You're Simpson.

- Yes, miss.

If you'll just be seated.

I'll tell Mr. Stanhope you're here.

Do you suppose that's on the level,

or just for the effect

on the visiting firemen?

Don't look now, Van, but there's

a terribly green-looking girl just behind us.

You know what did it, don't you?

Just envy.

Happy?

I don't know.

You've never shown me anything else.

Sickening.

- May I cut in?

- How did he get in here?

I didn't invite him.

Miss Wilson is here, sir.

I'll never forgive you for coming this late.

- Shall we dance?

- I didn't come here to dance.

Now, that's interesting.

What did you come for?

Come on upstairs, Whitey.

It'll be quieter there.

- Hello, Herb.

- Hello.

Say, who is this?

Why don't you wear that thing

at the office?

Hello, kids.

- Oh, my.

- Who was that?

- He said his secretary was coming over.

- Secretary?

I'll be a so-and-so.

Relax, dear. This is their third anniversary,

not their first.

- Hello, Linda.

- Have you seen Van?

- Yes.

- No.

Well, that is, I saw him

just a few minutes ago with Harvey.

How did I know

you were going to say no?

My mother always used to tell me,

"Joan, you should never see the husband."

- Simpson.

- Yes, madam?

Have you seen Mr. Stanhope?

Yes, madam.

He's just gone upstairs with Miss Wilson.

- Thanks, Simpson.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Excuse me, Raoul.

- Certainly.

- Oh, good evening, Mrs. Stanhope.

- Hello, Miss Wilson.

Why, Van,

you've taken her away from a party.

- Oh, that's all right.

- You're going to stay right here.

- Oh, no, I...

- Yes, you are. I insist on it.

- Come on, Whitey, join the party.

- I couldn't. I...

- I'd only be intruding.

- Oh, no.

Oh, no. You'd be doing me a favor.

There are half a dozen extra men,

and we need you.

- They need you.

- Well,

someone's waiting for me at the theater.

Well, the theaters are out by now.

- Are you sure?

- Oh, certainly.

Whitey, you're good at this.

Thanks, V.S.

V. S? No, not when we're dancing.

- Thanks, Van.

- Better.

Hey, Battleship,

haven't you ever seen a blonde before?

I'm beginning to wonder.

I must definitely meet that.

I wish my wife

would get a sick headache and go home.

Gentlemen, I fear that even I could give

that little lady dictation.

- It was a lovely party, Linda.

- Thank you.

I think I've discovered your secret

with Van.

You're not jealous of his business.

Well, I don't understand a woman

who treats her husband's business

as if it were a bad habit

she couldn't break him of,

and then spends every cent he makes.

Isn't she sweet?

And what a lovely-looking creature

Van's secretary is.

You know, Linda, that proves something.

Most wives couldn't afford to have

a pretty girl like that around all the time,

but you're so sure of Van.

Well, I don't think Van's the kind of man

you have to worry about.

Oh, of course not.

- Good night, dear.

- Good night.

Oh, Linda,

I know just what you're thinking.

You've got nothing to worry about,

not with Van.

- Good night, sweetie.

- Good night, Joan.

I just signed the hotel register.

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith

of Scranton, Pennsyltucky.

- Oh, idiot.

- Oh, Gwendolyn,

if it weren't for the wife whom I love,

I'd make an honest woman out of you.

But I do love my wife.

I'm the best, aren't I?

You're the top.

The only best, always?

You know, someday they're going

to put us both in a wheelchair,

and then when my lumbago

isn't bothering me,

honey, you look out.

Well, I've worked for a lot of them,

but he certainly is one grand guy.

What do you think?

- He certainly is.

- Should say he is.

And the missus, she's a pip, too.

- You know, I'd do anything for her.

- Yes, she's awfully sweet.

But him, the way he acts,

especially for a big shot,

always clowning around

and doing the craziest stunts...

Hey, what's the matter?

Do you want to get run over,

you big chump?

Does he act like that down in the office?

Sometimes.

Well, he certainly must get

a great kick out of life.

Everything he does is all in fun.

Yes.

It's all in fun.

- Good night, Miss Wilson.

- Good night, Finney, and thank you.

David.

David, wake up. You'll be late.

Okay, Mom.

Oh, hello.

- What time is it?

- 2:
00.

- I was going home at 12:00.

- I didn't think you'd be waiting.

We didn't finish work until 11:00,

and I couldn't have got

to the theatre on time.

That's all right.

I might have been able

to get there on time,

but they asked me to stay.

They were having a party.

Party? How was it?

You can't believe it.

Their home,

and the people that were there...

Fred Evans came up after the show

and danced.

Kitty Hobart.

She's pretty old when

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