Wife Vs. Secretary Page #4

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she's not on the stage.

And Battleship did a double somersault

from a chair, and broke his wristwatch.

Did he? Gee, that's something.

- What's that?

- This? It's just a surprise.

$75 a week.

A $20 raise. What happened?

- It's all your fault.

- Mine?

Yep. I was sitting in the office,

looking at a calendar.

I must have been looking at it

for about an hour.

$55 a week, I said.

Next year, this time, it'll be $65,

and the year after that, it'll be $75.

That's two whole years out of my life,

out of both of our lives,

waiting for that number to come around.

Well, I got up and I walked right into

Poker Face's office

before I had time to think.

I knew that was the only way I could do it.

And there he was.

Oh, I'll never forget it.

He was filling his pipe when I came in.

And I walked right up to his desk

and I said,

"Mr. Kemp, I believe

I can get $75 a week elsewhere.

"Would you be interested

in keeping me on here at that figure?"

He didn't say anything.

He just... Just kept puffing on that match,

and then that one went out,

and he lit another.

He didn't even look at me.

I thought maybe he was mad,

or maybe he didn't even hear me at all.

And then, suddenly,

he looked up and said,

"$75," and smiled. Old Poker Face.

- I bet I was white as a sheet.

- Dave.

I don't even remember

whether I said thank you.

I just turned around

and walked out of the office.

Oh, Dave.

Honey,

you better hand in

your two weeks' notice tomorrow, huh?

We could have a servant, Dave.

I wouldn't have to give up my job.

Now, we've been over all that.

It isn't like being married.

Why isn't it?

It's just an idea that you have.

We could live much better on two salaries.

On mine alone we could save enough

maybe even to go to Europe.

Well,

you'll be all tired at night.

You work late.

You got worse hours than I have.

We're not giving marriage a fair break.

We wanna have a home and kids.

Maybe. Like everybody else.

Whitey, you're not like the rest of the girls

in our crowd that got married.

They all had little jobs

that weren't interesting,

and they didn't mind staying at home.

But you've got this good job,

and you're getting

more used to it every day,

and you see parties, like tonight,

meet men like Stanhope. Millionaires.

Well, that spoils you, honey.

You can't help yourself.

You'll get so that you won't

want a husband, and a home,

and kids until it's too late.

A girl like you has to make up her mind

to have a home with a man.

That's natural.

What you're doing isn't.

Come on.

Come on, give Stanhope your notice

tomorrow, will you, Whitey?

I mean, make it a month's notice

if you want to.

I can't do that now, Dave.

Darling, we'll iron it out.

We just don't want to do anything

without thinking it's not best for us.

You're parked on the wrong side

of the street.

You've been here for over an hour,

and your parking lights are out.

- I'm sorry.

- You're sorry?

Well, sir, if me feet didn't hurt me,

I'd write you out

the longest ticket you ever saw.

My golly, they're killing me.

You might get your death of cold

with only that bit of rabbit you have

around your neck there.

Now, let's see, where was I?

"The reason I prefer

individual contracts is..."

Oh, yes.

"The reason I prefer individual contracts

is because..."

"Is because I have found

from experience..."

I don't know

what I've found from experience.

- My mind isn't on this.

- We can do the rest on the way back.

You know, Whitey,

I have a lot of respect for Underwood.

Do you really think he'll fall for this hooey?

Well, he should,

if you're convincing enough.

Hello, J.D. How are you? How's your back?

Never mind that, son.

What are you here for?

Oh no, no. He's smoother than that.

He won't talk business

for the first two hours.

- Hello, Van.

- Hello, J.D.

- How's your back?

- Never mind that, son.

What are you here for?

Well, now.

I don't care what you're here for.

It's more interesting for me to tell you

about my back.

Van, I've got a brand new kind

of a steam cabinet

some fellow in Belgium invented,

and I tell you, I'm like a kid with a toy.

You know,

I haven't had a good steam bath in a year.

- You haven't?

- No.

Like it?

Wonderful, marvelous.

Van, enough beating about the bush.

What are you trying to put over on me?

J.D., did anybody ever put anything

over on you in your entire life?

Well, you're not far wrong.

Hell, I'll lay my cards on the table.

I want your advice.

I'm thinking of starting a five-cent weekly.

Oh, so you're gonna try

to compete with me, eh?

Oh, no, no.

There's room for us both, I think.

Well, you're a clever

young gamecock, Van,

but I'm not so old a bird that I'm afraid

to stay in the pit with you.

So take my warning.

I hate to throw cold water on you.

You're too late.

As a matter of fact,

if you're thinking of going in

for quantity circulation,

why don't you think a better idea?

- Well, what's that?

- Well, why start at scratch?

Why not take something already set up?

- How do you mean, J. D?

- Why not buy National Weekly from me?

What? Buy National Weekly?

But your price would be prohibitive.

Besides, that's your pet sheet.

You brought it up from a baby.

Oh, I hadn't even thought of it.

- You'll have to admit it's an idea.

- Why, it's... It's flabbergasting.

Well, it takes an old flabbergaster like me

to make you smart youngsters see

that you haven't got all the ideas

in the world.

Why the deuce

didn't I ever think of that before?

Well, it's probably this new steam bath.

That sweats out a lot of things.

Yeah, that's right.

A four million circulation under one man,

- that's power, boy.

- Can you tie a bow tie?

I can tie it on a milk bottle, all right.

I can't tie it on myself.

- How'd you get dressed this morning?

- Linda did it.

- How is she?

- Fine.

- She's too good for you.

- I know it.

When does your directors meeting

come up?

About two months.

Well, I'll send you all the figures you need,

- and you can get used to them.

- I can't hold out any hopes, J.D.,

- those boys are awfully conservative.

- Well, you can't tell, they may like it.

If they do, maybe we can get together.

You run the works,

and I'll take a stock allotment,

play golf the rest of my life.

I could make a living doing that, too.

You couldn't believe it.

He spent the last 20 minutes

trying to talk me into it.

It's his idea now.

He fell like a ton of bricks.

Oh, that's wonderful, V.S.

- Finney, take Miss Wilson home.

- Yes, sir.

Whitey, if the faintest rumor of this

ever leaks out...

I understand, V.S.

- I can't even tell Linda a thing like this.

- You can trust me.

Well, I wasn't worrying about trusting you.

I was only afraid that you might

not understand about the secrecy.

Good night.

Good night.

What are we having for dinner?

Mr. and Mrs. Barker.

Oh, penny-a-point Barker.

I'm sure they're both card cheats.

- So am I.

- But they couldn't be better than us.

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