Wild Hogs Page #10

DUDLEY:

Wow. Now I really don't want to talk to

one.

BOB:

You know, it's not always so bad. Like,

when Karen sleeps, she still crawls over

and pushes up against me. Just snuggles

right up like she needs me. I like that.

I like that a lot.

(then, sobering)

Then the sun comes up and turns her into

a raging she-demon.

DOUG:

Yeah, I guess life just isn't as simple

as it was when we were in college. Well,

except for you, Woody. You're still

living the fairy tale. Swimsuit model

wife. Big job at an investment firm.

You've got the good life.

Woody doesn't respond. He just stares vacantly into the

fire for a beat.

WOODY:

(FLATLY)

Yeah... The good life. I'm a lucky man.

DUDLEY:

My life blows. I don't have a family.

Or a wife. I have a cat that doesn't

like me. She wouldn't even stick around

if she knew how to use a can opener.

The guys all look at Dudley.

BOB:

Hey, Dudley. You've got us, buddy. And

you're going to get a woman, too.

(MORE)

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 36

BOB (CONT'D)

I told you we were going to hit some

strip clubs when we get back.

DUDLEY:

Nah, I don't like those places--

BOB:

Dudley-- Please. I'm trying to help you

here.

DUDLEY:

I know. I just don't--

BOB:

Please! Strippers are nice to me!

DUDLEY:

Okay... Sorry. We'll go.

BOB:

Thanks, man.

(THEN)

I'm just... trying to be a good friend.

DOUG:

We know, Bob.

WOODY:

I'll go, too.

DOUG:

There's a surprise.

Doug pulls a flaming marshmallow out of the fire.

DOUG (CONT'D)

All right, who wants their marshmallow

well-done?

The guys just look at it.

DOUG (CONT'D)

Yeah, I left that one on too long.

Doug flips the stick and the marshmallow goes flying

behind him. The guys don't notice - but we see the

marshmallow land on the tent and continue to burn. Bob

continues to huff on the air mattress. He stops and

looks at it.

BOB:

(out of breath)

I think I'm half way there.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 37.

WOODY:

In just one hour.

DOUG:

(TO BOB)

You sure you don't want us to spread out

a sleeping bag? We have three in the--

Doug turns around and sees a foot-wide flame now burning

on the tent.

DOUG (CONT'D)

Sh*t! The tent--

Doug and the guys jump up and hurry over to the tent.

DOUG (CONT'D)

Dudley, get the water jug off my bike!

Dudley hurries over to Doug's bike as Doug and Bob try to

smother the flame with sand.

DOUG (CONT'D)

It should be okay. It's fire retardant.

The guys try and extinguish the flame as Dudley comes

running with a jug. He quickly takes off the cap. Doug

notices him.

DOUG (CONT'D)

Dudley, no! That's—

It's too late. Dudley is already throwing it on the

fire. The liquid hits the tent and it explodes into

flames. The guys shield themselves.

DOUG (CONT'D)

Gas! That's the spare gas tank, Dudley!

Dudley doesn't know what to say. The fire quickly

disentergrates the tent. Doug, Bob and Woody just watch,

knowing there's nothing they can do. After a moment,

DUDLEY runs back up with the correct water jug and

empties it on what is now a flaming pile of ash. It does

nothing.

DUDLEY:

We need more water.

DOUG:

That was all of it, Dudley. That was all

the water we had.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 38.

DUDLEY:

Oh.

Dudley takes this in for a moment.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)

Is anybody else thirsty?

The guys just look at him.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ROADSIDE US-50 -- THE NEXT MORNING

BOB, DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY are all sleeping on Bob's air

mattress, like four sardines. Doug opens his eyes to see

a large figure standing at the foot of the air mattress.

It's a stern-looking highway patrolman.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN

You guys all right?

DOUG:

Yeah. Yeah, just on a road trip.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN

All right. Just making sure.

(BEAT)

Looks pretty comfortable, actually.

We see the highway patrolman has started rubbing his

thigh. Doug quickly jumps up, waking the others.

DOUG:

Okay, well... Thanks for stopping. Have

a nice day, officer.

The highway patrolman laughs.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN

All right, I get it.

(WINKS)

Five's a crowd.

Doug is mortified. The officer looks them over for a

moment.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN (CONT'D)

You guys are lucky to have each other.

(looks at them hungrily)

Damn lucky.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 39.

DUDLEY:

(OBLIVIOUS)

That's what I always say.

Dudley gets up and puts his arm around Doug. We see he's

wearing a saggy pair of briefs and nothing else.

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