Wild Hogs Page #11

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN

Well... Have a good one.

The patrolman walks off. Dudley looks at Doug and grins.

DUDLEY:

Morning.

DOUG:

Please put your pants on.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

The guys cruise through the rolling prairies of Missouri.

It's another beautiful day. They ride in formation,

until Woody's bandana doo-rag blows off. Woody goes back

to get it. The other guys stop and wait for him to

return.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER

The guys are still riding - but now the heat of the

Missouri plains is taking it's toll. They look boiling,

and have sweated through their clothes. Bob takes a

drink of water from a bottle of water, then pours the

water over his head. He breathes a sigh of relief, until

he hears an angry yell behind him. He looks back and

sees Woody is now drenched from the water. Bob smiles

sheepishly as Woody burns.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT DAY

The guys ride through the forested Ozark uplands, looking

even hotter than before. Doug spots a waterfall pouring

into a crystal clear spring, and points to it. The guys

nod in agreement.

CUT TO:

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 40.

EXT. BLANCHARD SPRINGS, OZARK NATIONAL FOREST - LATER

DOUG, WOODY, and DUDLEY wade into the spring water in

their boxers. You can see on their faces that it's like

dipping into heaven. After a moment, BOB walks up.

BOB:

Thanks for waiting for me, jerks.

The guys look up to see that Bob is naked. He smiles and

cannonballs into the water.

BOB (CONT'D)

Whhheew:
Yeah! That's c-c-cold:

He sees DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY are just staring at him.

BOB (CONT'D)

What?

WOODY:

Why are you naked?

BOB:

We're swimming. You guys kept on your

skivies?

DOUG:

Skivies? What are you, a Newsie?

DUDLEY:

I kept mine on because I didn't want

everyone to see my crank.

WOODY:

(TO BOB)

Yeah. That, and being naked with a bunch

of guys is gay. What's wrong with you?

BOB:

I don't know. We took showers and stuff

together in college. I thought this was

kind of... you know, the same.

DOUG:

I guess I get that.

(THINKS)

I mean, we would have been naked in

college. Why are we... Oh, man. It's

true. We are tamed. We're old guys.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 41.

WOODY:

No, we're not. Don't say that.

Doug wiggles his boxers off and holds them in the air.

DOUG:

I will find old Doug!

Doug smiles and throws his shorts on the shore. Dudley

smiles, takes off his briefs and holds them up.

DUDLEY:

I will... Do what Doug does!

Dudley throws the briefs to shore. They all look at

Woody. He rolls his eyes and takes off his boxers.

WOODY:

I will be naked with my gay friends, and

if they look at my jock, I will kill

them.

Woody throws the boxers to shore. The guys all look at

each other and smile. It's a nice moment.

Until a family approaches.

Doug looks at the other guys, wide-eyed, as a family with

three young kids walks up with a picnic basket. The

young kids run and jump into the water. The Dad of the

family laughs and shakes his head.

FAMILY DAD:

Hope you guys don't mind a little

company. The mini-van was getting a

LITTLE--

The Dad stops talking as he sees into the water... He

realizes, then looks at his kids, concerned.

DOUG:

Um... Well, we're just taking a dip. I

UH--

WOODY:

There's a shallower spring up the path.

The kids might like that even more...

The Mom lays down a blanket and turns to the guys. The

Dad is still staring, not sure what to do.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 42.

FAMILY MOM:

(TO WOODY)

Oh, no. These little squirts like to

DIVE AND--

The Mom sees a glimmer of something through the water,

and realizes. She suddenly looks very uncomfortable.

FAMILY MOM (CONT'D)

(VERY TENSE)

Janey, Kyle, Holland. Out of the water.

We're going to find a new spot.

JANEY:

No, Mama. This place has little rocks

THAT--

FAMILY MOM:

Get out of the damn water! Now!

The kids climb out of the water and the parents hurry off

with them down the path. After a moment of awkward

silence, Doug looks at the guys.

DOUG:

We should go.

BOB:

You think? They're gone, now.

WOODY:

Yeah, we could stay another few--

VOICE (O.C.)

Whhheeeeew!

The guys look to the other side of the spring to see the

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN cannonball naked into the spring. They

stare, horrified, as he pops up and smiles at them.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN

Saw you're bikes out there. You guys

ever chicken fight?

The guys look at each other for a moment, then;

DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY

Ahhhh! / Oh, god! / Run!

They frantically sprint out of the water, grab their

clothes and hurry away.

DISSOLVE TO:

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