Wild Hogs Page #13

DOUG:

All right, guys. We get the joke... Good

one. Anyway, we actually should get

moving along.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 47.

JACK:

Oh, it's no joke. You want to know the

joke? Suburban a**holes that buy leather

outfits and think they're bikers. And

it's a joke I'm damn sick of. So I'm

keeping your friend's bike, I'm keeping

this jacket, and you guys are going to

turn the hell around and go back to

wherever you came from, because the next

hundred miles of this highway belongs to

the Hells Angels.

The color drains from the Wild Hog's faces.

DUDLEY:

Like an adopt a highway thing?

JACK:

Like a "Go home or we're going to split

your skulls open" thing.

Bob makes an audible whimper. Doug elbows him, and tries

to look brave.

DOUG:

All right. We respect that this is your

turf, and we're sorry for bothering you.

But we can't head back without my

friend's bike. So clearly we're going to

have to work something out here.

Jack looks back at the Hells Angels and nods.

JACK:

You're right. We're going to have to

work something out.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER

We see DOUG, BOB and WOODY riding away from the bar,

looking very glum. The camera PULLS OUT to reveal the

rusty sidecar is now attached to Woody's bike. DUDLEY

sits in it looking miserable and cold (having lost his

jacket and now in his sleeveless shirt).

The guys get a good distance away from the bar and Woody

waves for them to stop. They do and Woody looks back to

the bar.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 48.

WOODY:

All right. Let's just give them a few

minutes to get back inside - then shoot

right past them.

BOB:

What? Are you nuts?

DOUG:

The trip's over, Woody. Let's just head

back home.

WOODY:

We're going to turn back after all these

miles? Just because some fat bully's

pushed us around?

DOUG BOB:

Yes. Yes.

Woody shakes his head and looks at Dudley.

DUDLEY:

I go wherever you go.

WOODY:

Good. See? Dudley's got some balls.

DUDLEY:

No, my sidecar's just attached to your

bike. I'd prefer to turn back, but I

could only roll so far...

WOODY:

I can't believe you guys. What a bunch

of pussies. The whole point of this trip

is to live, man.

DOUG:

That's the point, Woody. Our lives

aren't on this highway. They're back

home. We have families, jobs, wives...

or cats... We're not going to piss off a

biker gang. We're going back.

Woody takes this in, gritting his teeth in disappointment.

DOUG (CONT'D)

Come on, Woody. You don't want to take

this risk. You have Claudia, and your

job... You have a great life back home.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 49.

Woody looks up at him. Something about this has sparked

something in Woody's eyes, but he covers it up with a

calm smile.

WOODY:

You're right, I do. But maybe I should

talk to those guys one more time. I

mean, I'm an executive at an Investment

firm. I've made a career out of

convincing people and these are just

people. You guys wait here.

Woody starts up his bike. Doug and Bob look at each

other and shrug. Dudley hurries out of the sidecar.

DUDLEY:

I'll wait here, too. You'll get better

gas mileage.

Dudley gets out and falls to the ground.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)

Leg's asleep.

Woody shakes his head and starts back to the bar.

EXT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME

Woody rides up to the bar, and looks back to make sure

he's out of Doug, Bob and Dudley's sight. He sees that

he is, and kneels next to the line of Hells Angels

motorcycles. He takes out an army knife, and slices

through one of the motorcycle's gas line. Gas starts

leaking out onto the ground and Woody nods.

WOODY:

(TO HIMSELF)

Come after us now, a**holes.

Woody goes along to each bike, smiling with a weird

recklessness as he slices through each gas line.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - A FEW MINUTES LATER

WOODY pulls up on his bike, where DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY

are waiting.

WOODY:

They're cool with it. We can press on.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 50.

BOB:

Seriously?

WOODY:

Yup. I tried to be polite. I tried to

reason. I told them Dudley was dying.

DUDLEY:

What?

WOODY:

Well, technically we're all dying,

Dudley. Just very slowly.

Dudley looks concerned.

DUDLEY:

Oh my god, you're right.

(REALIZING)

I'm slowly dying.

WOODY:

Anyway, none of that worked. So I laid

it out for them. I said, "Hey, go ahead

and assault us. Because we might be not

be real bikers, but we know real lawyers.

And the moment you touch us is the moment

you get your ass sued. Because this is

the real world - with real laws, and real

consequences." And they backed down.

The guys are impressed.

DOUG:

You really said that?

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