Wild Hogs Page #18

JACK:

Those a**holes think they can cross the

Hells Angels? Do you know how bad

they've made us all look!?

The gang nods. They all look pissed.

JACK (CONT'D)

Those guys have some balls. Balls I will

put in my mouth and chew on!!

The gang looks at Jack with a slight smile. OILCAN

chuckles.

OILCAN:

You're going to put balls in your mouth?

The gang laughs. Jack realizes what the joke is...

JACK:

No! I'm not-- I'm going to put my foot

up their asses! Both feet! Hell, I'm

going to stick anything I can in their

asses, and I'm going to enlov it.

The guys start laughing again. Jack boils red.

JACK (CONT'D)

Shut up!! I didn't mean-- Just get on

your damn bikes! We're riding to Lucas!

The guys start towards their bikes. Oilcan sidles up

next to Jack.

OILCAN:

Sometimes it helps if you say things in

your mind first, then say it out loud,

you know?

Jack looks at Oilcan for a beat, then bends down, picks a

dart up out of the ash, and jabs it into his shoulder.

OILCAN (CONT'D)

Oww! Dammit!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 67.

JACK:

I did that in my mind, first.

Jack smiles calmly and walks off.

EXT. MAIN STREET HOTEL - THAT AFTERNOON

DOUG, BOB, WOODY and DUDLEY exit out of an old fashioned

hotel next to the diner. They cross to the town square,

where the block party is in full swing. Townspeople

mingle around eating corn-on-the-cob and hotdogs. Up on

the stage, a plump, middle-aged man with a goatee and a

polo shirt tucked into dockers - sings Justin

Timberlake's "Rock Your body."

PLUMP MAN:

So you grab your girls, And you grab a

couple more.

And you all come meet me, in the middle

of the floor.

Gonna rock your body! 'Till the break of

DAY--

The man drops to his knees at the edge of stage and

reaches his hand out to the audience, like the star of a

boy band; However, it's clearly making the people on the

dance floor uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, Doug, Bob, Woody and Dudley walk through the

square and are instantly greeted, patted on the back and

thanked by each townsperson they pass. The word is out

that these guys are heroes. Doug gives a "can you

believe this?" look to the other guys - who are just as

thrilled as him. They're eating it up.

DOUG:

These people love us. This is nuts.

BOB:

Yeah. They think we're bad asses.

DOUG:

Well, let's not get too carried away with

it. The truth is we're just regular

guys. Let's not forget that.

DUDLEY:

Yeah, the best thing is to keep a low

profile. Don't cause any waves. Then if

somebody pushes us too far, Boom! We go

Billy Jack upside their heads!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 68.

WOODY:

You're going to go Billy Jack?

DUDLEY:

Nooo. I'm just minding my own business.

I don't want to cause any trouble.

Dudley turns to Woody and stares at him. Woody looks

confused.

WOODY:

(TO DUDLEY)

What?

DOUG:

He's waiting for you to say something

else, then he's going to kick you.

Dudley gets a deflated look and backs off of Woody.

DUDLEY:

(TO WOODY)

Doug just saved you a world of hurt.

WOODY:

You're afraid of your cat.

DUDLEY:

Yeah, well... He once bit me on the

sack.

Dudley walks off towards the beer tent. Woody looks to

the other guys with a puzzled look.

BOB:

It's true. He was unclogging his bathtub

drain and the cat thought it was a ball

of yarn.

Doug and Woody wince.

ANGLE ON:
DUDLEY, at the beer tent. He gets in line,

and realizes he's behind MAGGIE. She smiles at him.

MAGGIE:

Hi.

Dudley is wide-eyed.

DUDLEY:

Um... I, uh---

(SCRAMBLING)

What do you call a Mercedes in Harlem?

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 69.

Maggie looks confused.

MAGGIE:

Excuse me?

DUDLEY:

Nothing-- uh...

Maggie notices the tattoo on Dudley's shoulder.

MAGGIE:

Wow. You like macs too, huh? I've got a

vintage Apple 2e. Restored it from

scratch.

Dudley's jaw drops.

DUDLEY:

I-- have a cookie jar made out of a 2e.

For fig newtons.

MAGGIE:

Wow. I like fig newtons.

Dudley collects himself and tries to speak.

DUDLEY:

Yeah. They're like fried chicken at a--

No, that's not... Dammit! This is hard.

Maggie smiles sweetly as Dudley fumbles.

MAGGIE:

You want to dance?

Dudley goes to respond, then decides to just give an

emphatic nod. Maggie smiles.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

DOUG, BOB and WOODY are sitting at a picnic table,

drinking beer out of plastic cups. They lean back and

soak up the small town celebration around them. It's a

great night.

DOUG:

It doesn't get any better than this, huh?

Bob notices Doug getting ready to chomp down on a piece

of garlic bread.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 70.

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