Wild Hogs Page #19

BOB:

That's a lot of carbs.

Doug stops, mid-bite, and puts the bread down.

DOUG:

Thanks, Bob. You saved me from all

that... buttery, garlicky flavor.

WOODY:

No he didn't.

Woody takes the garlic bread and crams it in his mouth.

WOODY (CONT'D)

(MOUTH FULL)

I did.

DOUG:

I hope you choke on it.

CHARLEY approaches with his two deputies, EARL DOOBLE and

BUCK DOOBLE. They are chubby, thirty-year old twins -

identical in every way, except for the fact that Buck is

missing an ear on the right side of his head... which the

skin has scarred back over. It doesn't look good.

CHARLEY:

Howdy, guys! Welcome to the block party!

These are my deputies: Earl and Buck

Dooble.

Earl shakes the guys hands.

EARL:

I'm Earl and he's Buck. Just remember,

the brother with the word "ear," in his

name, has both on his head.

(LAUGHS)

I can only say that because I'm on his

right side. Which as you can see, is

blown off.

Earl laughs again, as BUCK extends his hand - oblivious.

BUCK:

I'm Buck and this is Earl. Good luck

telling us apart!

Buck laughs and turns to Charley, exposing his missing

ear to the guys. They draw back a little.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 71.

DOUG:

Well, it's nice to meet you guys. You've

got a great town here.

CHARLEY:

Yeah, we got everything here. Good

people, good fishing...

EARL:

We do have convicted child molesters,

though. We have to disclose that.

CHARLEY:

Not if they don't have kids, Earl.

EARL:

Just to be safe, though.

(yells at crowd of people)

Hey!! Thomas Milborn!

A bookish man with a tweed jacket turns around and looks.

EARL (CONT'D)

(ANNOUNCING)

Convicted child molester.

Thomas Milborn nods glumly and pulls his hands out of his

pockets. The guys look at each other uneasily.

BOB:

Well... Still a nice town.

WOODY:

If you're not a kid.

DOUG:

Or Thomas Milborn.

ANGLE ON:
DANCE FLOOR AREA:

DUDLEY is on the dance floor with MAGGIE. The middle

aged guy on stage is letting loose with a rendition of

Usher's "Yeah." Maggie and Dudley dance conservatively

for a moment, but as the beat gets ahold of Dudley, he

starts getting into it. He starts spinning around at a

rapid pace, then drops to his knees, slaps the ground and

shakes his head to the music.

Maggie watches curiously as Dudley pulls himself along

the ground by his elbows - then springs up to his feet

and starts a move that resembles a sprinkler. Maggie

grins - actually amused by Dudley's rhythmic passion.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 72.

ANGLE ON:
The Wild Hog's table. The guys sit with

Charley, Buck and Earl - watching Dudley with a curious

look.

CHARLEY:

Looks like your friend and Maggie are

hitting it off.

DOUG:

Yeah. I think he really likes that girl.

CHARLEY:

Well, Maggie's a great woman.

EARL:

Yup. Big cans, too. Buck liked her, but

you know... He's a deformed freak.

Buck, on Earl's left, stares out at Maggie and Dudley,

deaf to the conversation.

BUCK:

I used to like that girl... but then I

realized, I can do better.

The guys look at Buck.

CHARLEY:

So, why are you guys taking this road

trip, anyway?

DOUG:

Ahh, just to escape for a bit.

WOODY:

Hey, we're not escaping anything, man.

We're on this trip to live.

CHARLEY:

I know what you mean. Sometimes things

in life can bother you, and sometimes

nothing in life can bother you. Either

way, you've got take a break from it.

Happiness is somewhere between boredom

and stress.

Doug is surprised at Charley's insight. So is Woody.

WOODY:

Exactly. Which is why we need to keep

riding until we figure out where that

happiness is. You don't get old Doug

back by just staying put.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 73.

CHARLEY:

Old Doug?

DOUG:

Yeah. Apparently I've lost him. I don't

sing Bon Jovi anymore.

WOODY:

You did lose him, Doug. You know why?

You're housebroken. You're too

comfortable. You've got to snap out of

it!

Doug nods halfheartedly. He knows woody might be right.

CHARLEY:

(TO DOUG)

Woody's got a point, there. Comfortable

can be a bad thing. You have to wake up

and slap the bull once in a while.

WOODY:

Right! Slap the bull!

(then, to Charley)

What?

CHARLEY:

Slapping the bull is kind of the local

test of manhood. It's a way to prove you

aren't controlled by fear. We've all

done it.

EARL:

Yup. Even torn-open head, here.

He nods at Buck, on his left.

BUCK:

You know, I slapped the bull once.

Woody smiles slyly. Doug looks concerned.

WOODY:

We're slapping the bull.

DOUG:

I don't think we need to. I mean, we can

have our own test of manhood. Let's see

how many ears of corn we can eat or

something. I'll start.

Doug grabs an ear of corn and takes a bite, but Woody

just grins with that reckless look in his eyes.

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