Wild Hogs Page #7

DOUG:

Well, tell them I'm the same as I used to

be, Kelly. Tell your Dad not to like me.

KELLY:

You're not the same, Doug. The old Doug

wouldn't have made fun of Fred Milton for

dancing, because he would have been out

there dancing himself. With me.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 24.

DOUG:

So what are you saying?

KELLY:

I'm saying you have changed. And

frankly, i don't like it. I like you the

way you were. I liked it when you

weren't afraid of looking stupid. I

liked it when we laughed. I liked it

when we danced.

DOUG:

Hey, I'll dance! It's just this music is

lame. People like me need a fresh beat!

Doug walks over to the stereo and changes the station.

"Cand Sho " h y-50 Cent starts playing. Doug nods along

with the beat, as the guests all now stare at him.

DOUG (CONT'D)

(yelling over music)

Awwww, yeah. This is the sh*t! It ain't

1980 anymore, man. Yeah!

(SINGS ALONG)

I take you to the... Andy shop--

Doug tries to confidently sing along, but struggles

awkwardly, as he's obviously never heard the song before.

KELLY:

(urging, to Doug)

Honey, stop it. You're being an ass.

DOUG:

What!? I thought this was what you

wanted? I'm dancing!

Doug starts grinding and shimmying to the beat. Kelly

grits her teeth.

DOUG (CONT'D)

Come on, baby! Just because we're

married ten years doesn't mea n we're old

people. Let's dance! It fee ls goooood!

Doug makes another spastic dance move, then suddenly

grimaces and grabs his chest.

DOUG (CONT'D)

Nope, that feels bad--

KELLY:

Doug? What's wrong? Are you okay?

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 25.

DOUG:

Yeah. I'm just-- Ow: That's-- Yeah, I

should go to the hospital--

Doug staggers across the carpet as people run to help

him.

KELLY:

Doug!?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - AN HOUR LATER

Doug is in a bed, with Kelly next to him. A DOCTOR

enters with a chart.

DOCTOR:

Well, Mr. Matthews--

DOUG:

Dr. Matthews, actually.

DOCTOR:

Oh, really? Great. Then, I can say this

a lot easier. You had a hypertensive

myocardial seizure.

Doug nods confidently, then, after a moment:

DOUG:

(DEFEATED)

I'm a dentist, actually... I have no

idea what you just said.

DOCTOR:

Oh. Sorry. It looks like you had a

stress-induced panic attack.

DOUG:

Stress-induced? I'm not stressed.

DOCTOR:

Well, it's probably been pretty buried. I

actually see it a lot with middle-aged men.

Work, family, it can take a toll on you.

DOUG:

I'm not middle-aged.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 26.

DOCTOR:

Yeah, I see that a lot, too. Anyway. We

should have you out of here soon.

The doctor smiles and exits the room. Kelly looks at

Doug.

DOUG:

I am middle aged, aren't I?

KELLY:

Only mathematically.

Doug takes this in.

KELLY (CONT'D)

Doug, Let me ask you a question. When

was the last time you sang a Bon Jovi

song?

DOUG:

What?

KELLY:

You used to sing Bon Jovi songs at the

top of your lungs. Like you didn't care

who heard you, or how dopey it sounded.

Then one day, you just stopped. That's

how it's been with everything. Romance,

sense of humor, the way you used to give

me that cocky little wink when you took

off your shirt... It's all faded away,

leaving just a shell of what you used to

be. Why? Why no more Bon Jovi songs?

DOUG:

I don't know. There's just a lot

weighing me down these days, you know?

KELLY:

Like what? You have a great career, a

perfect family. Money is fine. The only

thing that could be weighing you down is

me. Is it me? Are you tired of me?

DOUG:

No! of course, not. I could never be

TIRED OF--

Doug stops himself, as it dawns on him. You can see the

horror of realization creep across his face. He looks at

Kelly, wide-eyed.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 27.

DOUG (CONT'D)

(REALIZING)

It's me. I'm weighing me down. I'm not

a guy I'd hang out with anymore, I'm...

Me. What's cool about me? I don't even

eat carbs.

KELLY:

Then eat them. I'd rather have you sing

than have a thirty-four waist.

DOUG:

I still have a thirty--

KELLY:

No, you don't, Doug. I buy your pants.

(THEN)

Look. We've been married ten years. And

personally, I'd like to be married fifty

more, but if you stay like this...

Then... I don't know...

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