Wild Oats Page #4

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I mean, it only takes 30 minutes

and it was, it was really...

Ooh.

Why can't Europeans wear shorts

like normal people?

Come on, be nice, Maddie.

No, come on. Did you see that, huh?

Thank you, Paco.

- Es un placer, seoras.

- Seoritas.

We're seoritas.

Ah, seoritas.

Wow.

Well, he's cute.

Whew, I'd like to see him jump in.

No sh*t.

Oh, no.

Let's get out of here.

No, relax. Relax, Maddie.

Noisy lot.

Well, that's Klaus for you.

Would you mind terribly

if I introduced myself?

- Chandler's the name.

- Hi.

Lacey Chandler, English imports.

- Oh, are we in your seats?

- Hi.

- Beg your pardon?

- No, we're not in his seats.

- If we are, we can move...

- No.

- ...if these are your seats.

- We're not in his seats.

No, of course not. I just thought

I'd take the old bit by the horns

and introduce myself.

- To us?

- Yes, to us. Would you just...

That's so sweet.

I've always heard that...

people are friendlier in Spain.

Northwest Africa, actually.

Of course. What?

This place is closer to Northwest Africa

than it is to Spain.

What do you know?

And this isn't your first time

in the Canaries, is it?

- Uh, yes, it is.

- No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

My name is Lacey Chandler.

Would I be intruding if I introduce myself?

You just did.

So I did.

Must be the sun.

I'm Maddie Reynolds.

This is my friend Eva Fenton.

How do you do?

Would you like to sit down?

No, maybe he doesn't want to.

Well, maybe he wants to.

I don't...

I can't understand what's happening here.

How would you two charming young ladies

like to dine with me tonight?

- Oh, I'd love to be...

- No, we can't. I can't.

- We can.

- You quite sure?

- Positive. I have things...

- Yes.

- What?

- ...to do.

- We'd love to. We'd just lo...

- We have plans.

You sure about that?

- No, we absolutely don't.

- Really, I don't think we can.

What about 8:
00 in the main dining room?

We would love to.

Splendid.

Enjoy your afternoon.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

All right.

So begins the report

of Investigator A.J. Vespucci

into case number 135276.

I'm not sure about that number.

I just rang the doorbell.

Nobody's home.

Fortunately, I anticipated this possibility,

and already located the not-so-hidden

hide-a-key under the mat.

Kitchen's spotless.

You could eat off the floor.

Maybe she, uh, cleaned house

just before she left.

Or maybe she's just a naturally tidy person.

My sister's very clean, but...

you can't have a conversation with her.

She's so negative.

Subject has a daughter, Crystal,

married to a Luke Morrison.

Daughter's smile seems very artificial to me.

Son-in-law looks unimpressive.

Bingo.

Letter from Beneficial Life.

Aw, very sad.

In conclusion...

Yeah, hello.

- Alvin. Tammy.

- Yeah, hi.

I had a couple of minutes,

so I looked up Mrs. Fenton for you.

She received a letter by certified mail,

deposited the check

and booked two first-class

tickets on Iberian Airlines

to Gran Canaria in the Canary Islands,

where she reserved the Presidential Suite

at the Lopesan Costa Meloneras Hotel.

Her room tab, to date,

is 27,428 U.S. dollars.

Look, I've got to run.

Oh, Alvin, good luck.

He did say 8:
00.

- Maybe he did forget.

- How could he forget?

I mean, he introduced himself three times.

Do you think maybe there's

really something wrong with him?

Hello!

- Well.

- Good evening.

Oh.

Hope you like your gentlemen prompt.

- Oh, we do.

- But it's 9:
30.

- Is it?

- Mm-hmm.

Goddamn, I'm still in Tokyo time.

Big international business deals, you know?

No, Tokyo, it's the middle of the night.

Yeah, well, they work so hard there.

Well, in that case, I think I might be early.

Oh, you're a doll.

I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

Would you help me make it up

to you by having dinner with me?

Of course.

That's why we're here.

- Oh, did you have plans?

- Yes, we had plans.

- No plans.

- Yes, we had plans.

- With you.

- Well, here I am. And I'm on time.

- Why don't we all have a drink.

- I've got a better idea.

Why don't we all have dinner.

Of course.

Oh, gosh.

So, first time in the Parakeets?

- He's demented, honey.

- Oh, come on.

So he mixes up a couple words.

I mean, who doesn't do that?

The accents, they keep changing.

Did he grow up on a transatlantic jet?

You know what your problem is, Eva?

You don't know how to have fun.

You know what your problem is?

Ha.

I apologize, ladies.

When business calls, nature answers.

No, that's not it. Just a minute.

- It's something else. I forget.

- Well, never mind.

You better eat that steak tartare

before it gets cold.

Well, somebody better.

- Would you like some more wine?

- Well, more wine than what?

Yes, more wine. Much more than we can afford.

Would you like some wine, my dear?

- No, thank you, thank you.

- Are you sure?

Come on.

Where the hell do you come from, anyway?

Sounds like you grew up

in some transatlantic shipyard.

Airplane.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

- It can't be.

- What?

You don't understand.

My ex-wife is over there.

What's she doing here?

Of all the rotten luck.

That's your ex-wife?

Yes, that's her over there.

What went wrong?

- Me, I think.

- Oh.

I was mad to think I could keep her.

Oh.

No, no, no, you're a nice person, and very...

- That's terrible.

- ...handsome and interesting and sweet.

- Really sweet.

- I'm sorry, the shock of it all.

You'll have to excuse me.

Wow.

That's...

She's not that great.

Thank you.

Oh, look who's there.

I really must apologize.

- Oh, no, it's okay.

- We understand.

Oh, you're too kind.

- Have you seen the casino?

- I think we should have another drink.

- Huh? What?

- What?

Well, that's decided.

Now, the great thing is to let yourselves go.

Don't hold back, it's only money.

Oh, not funny.

Maddie, you are making a fool

out of yourself.

Here comes trouble.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Sh-She probably won't even notice me.

Hello, Michelle.

Well, that was rude.

That's okay, darling.

She doesn't speak English, only French.

My own little offering.

Oh, come on, Lacey Pants.

- Now, how much is that?

- $10,000.

- Is that good or bad?

- It's bad.

Then why are we happy?

'Cause we don't care.

Honey, don't you think you've had enough?

Let's-let's go to bed now.

Oh, just one more little spin.

See? Just one more little spin.

What do you say you and I try something

a little more dangerous?

I've never played this before.

Thirty-six.

Uh, twenty-three.

Eighteen!

Tell her to split the aces.

Uh, I would like to split the aces, please.

That's right.

This right?

Oh, split the aces again.

Again? Where do I put...?

Do it again. That's it.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, oh, excellent.

Hit me.

- But madame has 18.

- Do it anyway.

What happened?

We are leaving.

You are cursing our monies.

Oh.

Sorry, ma'am.

Blackjack.

Eva, I'm begging you to stop now.

- Stop.

- All right. Oh, all right.

Can I have a bag for this?

Aw, the poor thing.

Oh, Maddie.

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