Your Friends & Neighbors Page #4

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- Fine, thanks.

- Is this part of a collection or...

- No, it's just a single piece.

- Nice, isn't it?

- Very.

- Your first time here?

- Uh-huh.

- You?

- No, I work here.

Work? Really? You're an artist?

No, artist's assistant.

That's terrific.

Hey, you don't have a gift shop, do you?

I want to buy my wife a little...

We're going away for the...

- No, I'm sorry.

- OK.

Listen, is it me

or is this whole thing sort of...

kinda out of whack?

No, I think it's you.

Really? Because it seems...

No, I'm sure of it. It's you.

How did you find this hotel?

- I asked around. One of the guys.

- Mm.

Maybe we should... try again.

No, I...

I really don't want to right now.

I'm hard though.

Firm. Just relax.

- You're whispering again.

- I'm sorry.

If it's me... I don't want to push this.

Yeah.

I know, yeah.

Harvard Med? Hmm.

Yeah, that's great.

Top of the class too?

Mm.

AIDS research. Super.

Well, hey... Wait a minute.

What the f***'s her name?

I mean, tits like that

have a name, correct?

Yeah? Well, you get right back to me.

OK.

Maybe it's just me,

but f***ing is f***ing.

It's not a time for sharing.

I don't care what anybody says.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

Editorial note to delete the word

"f***ing" before submitting story idea.

- You're saying what?

- I'm asking for the best you ever had.

Can you name her?

- The best?

- Yep.

- Why do you wanna know that?

- It's interesting.

- Come on, we're friends. Be honest.

- Well, what's your best?

- Hey, I asked the question.

- F*** you too.

If we're gonna be revealing,

let's be fair.

OK. Er...

- Mine would be my wife.

- Bullshit.

Nobody would pick their wife.

Except maybe on a talk show.

That's my answer,

and she's very good, so up yours.

Jesus.

OK. It'd be er...

The f***ing best? Why do I

always go first with sh*t like this?

- I just went.

- Go ahead.

Take a turn if you're so interested.

I just wanna hear yours.

You amuse me.

Listen to this cock. Suddenly

he's got big balls hanging out with us.

- What does that mean?

- Figure it out.

- We're just wondering anyhow.

- Yeah. But...

OK.

Fine. You wanna hear it?

Huh?

Senior year, gym class.

You guys have a co-ed gym?

No.

His name was Timmy Carter.

- Timmy?

- Isn't that a boy's name?

It was a guy

from my high school PE class.

My best f***.

- What?

- It's the truth.

It was almost spring vacation...

late March.

We'd had about all the sh*t

we could take from little Timmy.

He turned four of us in during

English exam earlier in the week. So...

when the coach is in the lounge

for a smoke,

we grab his ass,

drag him into the showers...

held him down, tore off his clothes...

and we each took a turn.

I mean, we actually did this guy

up the butt.

I mean, we were some crazy f***ers

at that age.

I was the last one.

So, I don't know if he'd given over

by this time or what, but...

Goddamn, it was...

nice.

How can I explain this? It's...

never been like that with a woman.

As many as I've f***ed, never.

Not even close.

He's face down.

And my friends

are holding him spread out.

Timmy and I are making love like we're

on some beach in the Mediterranean.

I kid you not.

F***.

It was amazing.

I feel him taking my rhythm,

clenching me off when I get too deep.

Sh*t, he did everything right.

And I know he came when I did.

I mean, I didn't check or anything

but I could tell.

I shouldn't even be

telling you guys, but...

F***, I've never known anything like it.

Ever.

Like I said, there wasn't

too much of the school year left.

Timmy dropped out. I guess.

I mean, he finished from home.

But goddamn him, he never turned us in.

He never said a word about it

to anyone.

I admired him for that.

But I think the reason he kept silent,

and I feel I'm right about this...

is that he felt something special

had happened as well.

Him and me.

Those other guys f***ed him

to teach him a lesson. But we...

I know something special happened.

Jesus. Are you making this up?

F***, no.

This happened.

I told you before, this is my life.

Yeah, but...

- Has he told you this story?

- No, it's great though, isn't it?

It's incredible.

You'd have taken the same steps.

Common decency dictated the whole thing.

I just didn't expect

to find somebody who, you know...

understood me, is all.

Anyhow, that's mine. Big deal.

At least I got one.

By the way, you guys are crazy

if you think you're getting out of here

without a little reciprocal.

Cos I'm tired

of the sycophantic bullshit here.

So let's hear some. I don't care who.

- I told you mine already.

- Fine. Bullshit.

But fine.

How about you? I think you can climb out

on a limb after what I just coughed up.

- No, I don't wanna.

- What?

- I'm not in the mood. I'm late.

- Well, f*** that and get in the mood.

You were ten minutes ago.

- Right, it's your turn.

- Come on.

Your favorite research assistant?

Fess up.

Seriously, I gotta get to rehearsal.

Go ahead. I thought you said

he was seeing somebody.

Oops.

Come on. Who is it this semester?

- Knock it off.

- Freshman or sophomore?

- What are you doing?

- What?

This is why I hate

when the three of us get together.

What?

You get together with him,

it's like you've had an a**hole pill.

We just want the truth.

I thought that was the whole idea.

- What is up with you?

- I just don't want to get into this.

You're not gonna shock us.

Not after what we just...

- So, go on.

- Yeah. Amuse us.

I know it's not

that snatch you live with.

Exactly.

You can talk.

It's not like you're in bed.

- What?

- You were the one complaining about it.

What did you call her the other day

when we were...

It had to do

with the feminine issue.

- F*** off.

- Come on, we're friends. Be honest.

OK, the best f*** I ever had,

that'd be your wife, that was the best.

That beats my story.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- You're home early.

- Yeah.

You guys have fun?

Yeah, it was good.

- You're smoking again.

- Oh, you know, it's just the one.

- If you're hungry, there's...

- No, I'm fine.

- You OK?

- Yeah.

Sh*t.

"Hold me."

Is this your work phone?

Oh, your office there. Yeah, I remember.

Great. I just...

had it written down here

with something else.

Right. Maybe you gave it over lunch.

I... I don't remember.

Anyway, you're good?

How's... Terrific.

Listen, like I said,

I kinda just called by accident,

but you wanna get salads or something?

Answer, answer.

Answer. Sh*t.

You're a tramp.

A prick-f***ing teaser.

I don't mind saying it to your face.

You come out and I'll say it

right in your face.

Oh, God!

You lied to me!

Right to my own f***ing person!

I'm serious. You are not a nice woman.

I mean, who in the f*** just gets

their period all of a sudden?

It just doesn't happen.

And it's happened all over my bedding.

But, no, you knew that.

And you're twisted to have planned this.

I hope you have

one of those red biohazard bags.

Cos you just bought yourself

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