Zack and Miri Make a Porno Page #3

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Linky all those years ago.

Wow, that is a weird revenge flat.

-You must be a terrible lay for that..

- What? No, I'm great. I mean I've

had enough practice and everything..

Wow, that sounded not good.

I f*** a lot. That's what I meant to say.

That doesn't sound good either. Wow.

You're a lot funnier than I remembered.

Thank you. Gosh, you turned

out to be such a nice guy.

Wow, it's just.. you know,

it makes even easier to just say this..

Would you like to come back to my place and

maybe open a bottle of wine and..

have ourselves a high school reunion?

- I..

-Hello Miriam.

- Beat it, we're talking.

-I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.

- Salutations.

-Bobby's boyfriend.

-Bobby who?

- Bobby me.

Bobby Long.

Brandon is the star of such adult fair..

What was that one called again?

"You'd better shut your mouth

or I'm gonna f*** it"

That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.

-Are you f***ing with me?

- No, they are f***ing with each other.

Oh my God.

-No!

- What?

-Granny Panties?

- Excuse me?

-How can you tell?

- This is so crazy.

I was literally just watching you like right

before we got here. This is so crazy.

This is you, right?

- My name's Granny Panties and

nobody wants to f*** me.

Nothing's whiter than my big gay ass.

-Where did you get that?

- Oh, I entered gay and ass,

and it was the top hit.

It's had 200 thousand views in three hours.

Honey, you are like.. I'm actually jealous right

now, cause you are like super famous.

Baby, please take our picture.

I need a picture with Granny Panties.

This is awesome.

Alright, smile.

Did you get it? Oh thank you, baby.

-E-mail me that.

- Yeah, cause he's the worst photographer.

Okay, good.

-You're gay?

- Yeah.

And I'm on the internet wearing.. a diaper?

Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh

and meet a celebrity?

-I'm gonna drink now till I pass out.

- Okay.

She'll be fine. So you guys

suck each other's c*cks?

Oh, like crazy.

-Okay, that's enough.

- Oh, I'm embarrassing him.

I love when he gets embarrassed. He's not

living out loud you know, so he gets all like..

-You guys are totally in love, aren't you?

- Zackhary, we are.

Oh god, I just want..

I just wanna eat him up.

I can't keep my hands off him.

You know what, although he does most of

the eating in the sack, if you know what I mean

-In the sack and off the sack.

- Alright, that's enough. Look,

you've drank too much.

You do this every time.

You can't contain yourself.

Oh, I'm sorry. And by containing myself,

you mean containing myself in the closet?

In the closet of denial?

Is that..? No, no, no.

-Oh sh*t, this is real.

- No, but this is exactly why you haven't

met my mother. Because you don't know how to

ease people into this situation.

-Baby.

- ..just force your way in, every time.

Baby, I thought maybe for one second in

this town I could be myself.

I'm so sorry. No, you're right.. I should just

butch up and pretend that I don't love it

When you shove your dick in my mouth.

This is the best night of my life.

Am I making a spectacle, cause

I could make a much bigger scene.

- Really are

I'm sorry. Pittsburgh, listen up Man-Rovers..

My name is

-Brandon St.Randy and I love Bobby Long.

- F***ing A!

Is that enough for you? Is that enough for a scene?

Cause I could start do a lot worst than that

And the reason, the reason you

haven't taken me to your mother's.

Your mother with a make-up and all her drinking

She's in the closet, too.

-They fight just like real people.

- I thought, I could be a conduit for you.

-Thank you.

- Are you being sarcastic?

-No, I'm not. Thank you.

- I love you.

-I'll e-mail you, Brandon.

- Zack, it was so nice to meet you.

And I will be patient with you,

I will be there on your journey.

I will be your ship up

the mountain of gayness.

Well, about to see what

Granny Panties is up to, huh?

Do you hear that?

What kind of evil fucks turn off your

power the day..

No, the night before Thanksgiving.

-Who does that?

- Can you get advance on your credit card?

Flash light. Back stab my 200-dollar women.

Not a wise purchase, I'll give you that.

This is bad. If we don't come up some rent

we're gonna be locked out the apartment.

So, who the f*** wants to live there?

There's no water or power.

Which means, by the time we get home,

there's no heat either.

Well, I think it's time we put what we

always talked about into effect.

You're gonna have to start hooking.

You know, these are the exact circumstances

people find themselves in

right before they start having sex

for money.

Or making porn.

Sexy.

-Oh my God, yeah.

- What? You got an idea?

We could make a porno.

Not the idea I was looking for.

- What? No, yeah that is a f***ing awesome idea.

Are you shitting me? That's a great idea.

That guy, Brandon St. Randy, who's Bobby Long's

awesome nice boyfriend

He said he makes a hundred

grand a year, because he shoots

and distributes his own porno films.

If it's so easy, how come

everybody doesn't do it?

Because other people have

options and dignity. Which we do not have.

Which puts us in amazingly

adventitious position.

F*** you, I have dignity.

- Where?

Is it hidden in your gigantic under pants

that are blasted all over the internet?

-Is that were you hide your dignity?

- Every woman has a pair of those period panties.

That's like a fact.

- OK, families.

I bet most people don't make porno,

because they have families.

But luckily, your parents are dead

Sorry. My grandparents are dead.

- Sorry.

Thank you.

So who we're gonna disappoint?

Porn has gone main stream now, it's like

Coca-Cola or Pepsi with d*cks in it.

Look at Paris Hilton.

Now she's selling fragrances to Tween's.

And I'm pretty sure she's legally retarded.

-Tween's?

- Have you seen that Jul Francis

guy who made Girl Gone Wild?

That guy is the biggest f***ing

idiot piece of sh*t in the world,

and he has a jet and a f***ing island.

Look, there's gotta be a less extreme

solution to our financial whoas here.

-Give me a better option.

- Get a paper out.

-I don't have bike.

- You could be a waiter.

No-one wants me around their food.

-Would you eat food that I gave you?

- Not if you gave me it, that's true.

Nobody wants so see us f***, Zack.

- Everybody wants to see anybody f***

I hate Rosie O'Donnell, but if someone said

"I got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting

f***ed stupid", I would be like why the f***

aren't we watching that right now?

-Cause she's famous, hello?

- So are you, you're f***ing granny panties.

My underwear and your ass are famous, we're not.

-So who the f would want to watch us f***?

- At least 800 people.

You jerk went to school?

Are you serious?

Of course, I'm serious. If you heard

this one we graduated with

Was in a f***ing porno movie,

you watch it, right?

I'd watch the Brandon guy suck

a cock. I just met him.

With this mailing list, we have

almost a thousand people

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